Forgive me

Forgive me but I can't forgive
Myself and what I believe
I throw my hands up because I know I tried
But love is crippling so best to let it die.

Run my fingers through my hair
Drink this wine and stare
Into the mirror at the disaster this is
Knowing this is no way to live.

One step forward until I think
Then two steps back and I need a drink
The glass fills more and more
Begging for the fantasy of you walking through the door.

Tormenting myself to the a point
On the end of a daggers edge
Slipping and sliding
Just begging for this love to be dead.

Why does the heart beg for one more kiss
And why does this soul continue to exist
Begging for a lover and mate
Why can't it learn to hate?

Forgive me as I slip away
Forgive me as I end this play
Forgive me as I try
Forgive me as I beg this to die.

Reality...

Hello my darlings. Swirling out in the mist... Taunting me with malicious smiles and gleaming white teeth. I know you are hungry Ready to prey on my mind.

Ah... There it is. The cool touch of ice that sends a shard of ice cold pain into my heart. Trying to extinguish the fire, the passion, for life. Tempting me to do something dark and selfish. Just for me. To take all this pain away...

There must be a reason to live. I try and remember as the ice spreads. It is so cold in these New York apartments. It is so empty in a city full oh human life. The rich, the middle, the vermin all living together but never really being of any comfort to the other. So why continue? Is there value in my life? Does it matter... Ah. The ice spreads.

There is pain in each joint and exhaustion pulling me down like a weight. The voices and glowing evil eyes chase me through the night and I run for my life only to look down and be slipping on ice. The world covered in a heartless carless shell. Zombies staring back at me and him as their leader.

They torture me. His own hands do it and I stare into the gaping abyss that is his cruel smile. His ice cold hands scratch at my skin that covers my heart. Longing to rip out the heated muscle and turn me into one of them. Giving me over to the dark thoughts that have been chasing and feeding off my fear and doubt.

"I'll take this by force" he says in a scratchy voice. To much coldness has frozen his ability to even communicate with another human.
I stare at him and know my soul mate stares back at me. This cold icy creature who tears at all my security, who eats away the fire in my soul only to reignite it... I know him. I love him. I love this world despite the freezing stagnant souls that wander it.

I face the abyss in his smile and long to kiss those lips and melt him.
"You already have my soul. If you must take what you need from me"
He screams and the voices let out a loud peal of anger and pain. Fire ignites and the world melts...

Bloody Dream

I was there at an airport. I was with my withering old grandmother and a man who we had saved from turning into a demon and terror of the land. We came back from a furious battle between angels and demons. I was different... I was a stronger person. I was a woman of old magic. Long black veils covered my grandmother and the other men that were part of our traveling groups wore apparel that is what I knew to belong in the desert. However, the demon had followed us.... We carried a man that I think now was very important. He had been greatly wounded in the battle and maybe he was an angel in human form... some true form of good.
We were in a type of port. An airport area or someplace waiting to be transferred to an airport to spread our good news. I left to find out something and I came back to blood. There was blood everywhere and the demon laughing and feasting on parts of my grandmother and the good man. They were piled in places and the red fountain of their life spread like a fast filling pool. I touched it and knew I had failed.

It felt real. It felt like another life and when I became aware of myself within myself I was scared and confused at there being two mes. I was angered by my weakness and my inability to perform any kind of spell and I was aware that something in me had changed. The blood was so red against the sand and heat and the demon was coming and I jolted awake to escape what I was sure to pass.

Anger Cont.

Somehow they got the door shut and he spun them around so he had her pressed against the door and he could keep her caged there. No escape from him. No running away. HE wanted to keep her still for a minute.

She felt the cold wooden door against her back and his hot familiar body pressed against her. His hand gripped her arms like two vices and he kept his mouth glued to hers. Everything had seemed to turn red when he slammed his mouth onto hers and she couldn't tell if it was anger or passion or more than likely, a combination of both. The only thing she acknowledged was that her body responded with the needs of a parched man who had found water in the middle of a desert. His mouth felt perfect pressed against hers and she could feel more than one part of her body responding in full to what he was doing with her. She tried to clear her head of the thick red haze that seemed to be dominating but a moan escaped her lips into his and she felt him grab her legs and lift her against the door. She was floating...

He felt her legs automatically wrap around his waste. Her hands slide up and cup his face, on reaching around and gripping his neck, holding him in place. He heard and felt her moan against his mouth again. He wanted to see her face for a moment. He wanted to see her look at him with something other than frustration and pain. He went to pull his head away and felt her nails in his neck. She didn't want him to leave her mouth but he needed to see...

She felt him tug his head again. Why was he tugging. She wanted him to stay this way. She didn't want it to stop. However, she relinquished and found herself staring into his eyes again.

Anger

She looked at him from across the room. They had been chatting with everyone at the party except each other and the first casual but stilted "hello" when she first entered. She had been gone for several months, off chasing a life in a big city and leaving those she cared about behind. However, he had abandoned her before she had even left and she had discovered that in the crumbling of their friendship.
A hand touched her shoulder and snapped her out of her thoughtful study of him. She returned to the party and tried to enjoy herself even though he lingered.
________________________________
As people started leaving she felt nervous. There was a huge hole in her chest that she thought she could fill and keep sealed and here it was ripping open little by little. She had been offered a place to sleep here at the hostess/best friend's house and she had gratefully accepted. All her friends left with hugs and smiles saying how good it was to see her even if only for a night. That was all she had to spare. Tomorrow she had to be back with her family. Her best friend came in and hugged her drunkenly and said she was going to her boyfriend's house. She smiled and said she'd see her in the morning then closed and locked the door as her friend left.
She sat on the couch feeling the whoosh of pain as she realized he hadn't even wanted to say goodbye. He had left when she was occupied with a game of beer pong and he hadn't even felt the need to say farewell.
"FUCK IT" she whispered to herself. Feeling the damn hole throb at the torn and frayed edges. "Damn it all" she laid down and started crying.
Her phone chimed but she ignored it, not wanting to deal with or talk to anybody for the rest of the night. A homecoming was nice but it was almost more painful than leaving she mused to herself.
She paused... There had been a soft knock on the door. She sighed. Someone probably forgot their purse somewhere or something. She opened the door and felt like she had been hit with a brick to the skull.
There he was looking right at her. And that is all they did for a moment was stare at each other until she finally broke the silence.
"What do you want?"
"I left my... wallet here."
"I'll get it for you, where is it?"
"I can..." She threw her hand up to stop him. It rested on his chest.
"No just tell me and I'll grab it."
He sighed and didn't answer. "Why does it have to be like this between us?" He asked instead.
She didn't look at him but shamefully felt the tears well up in her eyes and start to trickle down her face.
"Your wallet is where?" she asked, desperate to end this and be alone with this pain.
"Dammit, Answer me. Why?" he asked getting frustrated by her sad eyes and cold demeanor.
"Your wallet..." She mentioned just as stubbornly refusing to talk about it.
He looked down at his feet then sighed deeply. He cocked his head back up to look at her again. Her hair was longer but her eyes still held the same intense stare that had got to him before. She stared at him straight even though he knew she was hurting she had never backed down from facing him head on. Her body was a little slimmer than when she left and she seemed to smile less. She was as pale as ever.
"Look I'll have allie send your wallet over tomorrow" She went to close the door but he threw his hand up and in one swift motion used his other hand to grab her arm and pull her to him. He kissed her hard and with the ferocity of his frustration and anger. He felt her shove hard against him even though her lips parted and let his tongue sweep inside. Her shoving turned to tugging as she pulled him into the house.

Note

Here I am staring at the wall
Feeling ever so small
Unenlightened to why
You left me without saying goodbye.

Sure there was that note
The words apparently frozen in your throat
Taking the coward's way out
Leaving me alone to figure out what you lied about.

The shadows that dance
Across my subconscious
Are whispering about all the love
That I thought we shared

But apparently you didn't care like you said
All those memories are just fabricated in my head
With this damn note staring me in the face
Gloating in how it allowed you to escape

No real answers and no real truth
Except to say that I knew nothing about you
And cry these tears and face my fears
That can only make me stronger
Now that you are no longere here.

No Paradise

I walk down this road
And I hum in the night
Wishing for something better
Something to show me this choice was right.

The cool breeze is brisk
And I dream of moments when I would wish
For just one more chance
To touch your lips with a kiss.

Clouds of memory drift in the sky
and I stare at my hands that waved goodbye
Knowing with all my heart
I left you and tore us apart.

There will always be this ounce of regret
This feeling that I won't forget
Those worthless tears shed
Pain and terror swirling in my head

When I walked to my car
Drove as far as I could
Away from you and where you stood.
I felt my soul rip in half
My life flash past
And here I am looking back
Gasping and shaking
Wishing I hadn't only thought of escaping.

No paradise for those like me
Who constantly run
Only a difficult path
Without you and lonely.

Back To You

Here is to this night
When pain is alight
Deep in my chest
Burning me away with loneliness.

I am laying in bed
watching shadows dance across the ceiling
and I know this feeling
has come to be my companion.

This torture is my bliss
Because with each and every kiss
You twist the memories in deep
And then leave me here
to remain lonely.

You tell me to go
To stay far away
And all I wait for is a night or day
when I can come running
Back to you.

Climbing Walls of Ice

You sit there and stare
Ice shards fall from your lips
Cold hands balled into fist
Hang tight and cold by your hips.

Walls surround the fragile state
That you surround yourself with
In order to meditate on the pain
The loss, the suffering

And here I stand
A flame that won't burn out
A light to guide you back home
To show you what it means to be unconditional.

These walls that I climb
Time after time
Just to reach you
Each time to convince you

But you refuse to see
That you melt when you are with me
That this passion could be yours
If you didn't lock yourself in icy walls

Hate and grief
Unending belief
That your ice sculpted heart
Is protected and apart

I am here to tear it from your chest
To love you like I know is best
To wrap you in this raging fire
And give you a taste of this desire

I'll climb those walls
I'll burn down the protection
And we can melt together
In one last night of passion

Candy Never Tasted So Good

Spun sugar in a fragile sculpture
A lollipop ready to be licked
Gumdrops and bubble gum waiting to be devoured

Hours upon hours of toothache
Rotted and decayed
Pain from that sweet experience
Leaving its mark on an otherwise innocent mouth

Verbal Seduction

Just whisper in my ear
A tiny bit louder darling
Yes, like that so I can hear clearly
The sweet poison that you let slide in
Kisses tied with broken promises
Slip right under my shield
And the only power you need to wield
Is that of your twisted words

I moan softly as you grit your teeth
Keep the lies coming
So I don't suspect
Until I am trapped thoroughly in your tangled web
There is no struggle
As my knees bend and buckle
Falling under the weight of a broken heart
That loved you with all it had
Till you walked away and it fell
Shattered

You croon and a haze appears
Filled with seduction and destruction
The web wraps tighter
Around this suspecting prey
But I let you bleed me dry
Because it was all a high
Whether you admit it or not
You love me as you watch me die.

Sad Eyes

There isn't much to say when looking out at the day
Fading into a night where there is only darkness, no light.
The stars shine like always
But I'm blind to that comfort
Or any that would take away this sting
And lead to any type of healing

Because I spiral down
And I do it alone
When no one is home
And the black shroud of night wraps me up tight
I look into blank and empty eyes
And I despise the reflection that I know is mine

Wanting to love is pathetic these days
Thinking that someone speaks the truth
Kindness isn't a virtue
Anger and violence are the only comforts now adays.
Heat doesn't come from passion but from distrust
There is no love anymore
Only frustrating lust

These Notes Float

The fingers dance across this keyboard
Your hands dance across my heart and squeeze
Deep breath as I spiral down
No grip can hold me here
Not even those eyes that tear at my soul.

As I walk away my heart pounds
Desperate to escape my chest and come back to you
But you never wanted it to start with
Those were just pretty lies
That lay in bed with me at night
And left me to cry in the morning light

These streets are new and the faces are too
The small apartment and smell of city
None of it is familiar
None of it is you

If I could tell you now
That I would stay if you just asked
Begged and promised
Just hold me close before the future becomes the now
Don't let me go so easily
Don't keep lying
While my heart is bleeding, breaking, dying

Each step is a step away
Each night leads to a future day
And we smile, grin and bare it
As we lie and tell each other shit

I love you is the truest thing I can say
But it won't ever matter
Because you will let me walk away that day
Because you won't be true to me and to you.

Sweet Hello

I haven't been on here in awhile. A long while. My life has changed in many ways since my last entry, and in many ways it has stayed the same while I have changed.

Now I am a graduate. Now I have a kitten. Now I have lost weight.Now I am comfortable with what and who I have become. Now I am moving to New York...

However, I still laugh out loud at random thoughts. I still watch spongebob with a loyalty that would make a dog envious. I still love Robert Downey Jr. I still can't put down books.

So what is there to say? I haven't been totally on the surface lately. I tend to be making a plunge down into myself only to come to surface for the necessary interactions.

I don't know that there is anything to say. I have been listening a lot and not writing as much. I have been reading more than anything else. So I think I will delve back into my current book.