Drill Drill Drill

My head is throbbing and I am staring at a computer screen. Not my best idea ever.

Peanut butter is a miracle worker. I have been reading manuscripts for three hours and I had a spoonful... well a couple actually, and now I am ready to get these last few read.

10,200 words isn't a short story by the way. Grr.

Anik is stuck to the curtain. He does that when he gets excited.

I day dreamed a lot today and yet time stood still. How sweet...

Lavender-Honey ice cream is just about the best cup of ice cream I have ever had. I need some more lavender to sooth the throbs in my brain telling me, "Get off the computer and back to reading". NO!

Okay... well yes actually. In a minute.

I want to say something meaningful or interesting... something that matters.

But all I've got is... If it feels like there is a lot of pressure built up in my head from a headache, why am I not allowed to just drill a small hole in it to relieve the throbbing? I think it sounds wonderful. Just fantasizing about it makes my head ache a little bit less. Not enough though.

I like the way he smells.

ZILLA

Bridezillas is a show that features women who are getting married and turn into GIANT BITCHES. Not only are they controlling, bossy, spoiled, and snobby, they treat their men like crap and they are excited to be shitty to people.

Yes, I have watched it and therefore have supported it in that way. These women make me want to go on a killing spree. Marriage is something that is special and be sacred to those getting the chance to be in the position to join like that. I hold it in high regard even though America treats it like a joke. Hence Bridezillas.

Right now there are sisters being all bitchy and they sound retarded while also being terribly mean to each other. Another woman thinks she can spend all the money she wants and not leave any for her fiance because SHE thinks SHE owns him. What. A. BTICH.

Why do people like this stuff? Why do we watch it? Why is it fun to treat people like doormats? I don't get it. I turned the channel. I want to get married and I will never act like that. I will be happy if I find someone willing to settle down and have a life together, why would I treat him like crap?

Opportunity Cost a.k.a OC

If I want to do this then what is the opportunity cost of doing This?
Micro econ is so boring but yet, I don't mind it as much in the summer.

Anik has the hiccups. Kitty cat hiccups are one of the cutest things on this planet. As is when he curls up next to me. Right by me in bed and purrs and hiccups at the same time. The Opportunity Cost of having a cat? I can't live with liz because she is allergic.

Today was busy, not like you care. I went shopping. OC: Didn't work out. I got some very cute things and that always puts me in a good mood. I seriously think shopping is like a drug to me. I don't go every week or anything but once a month I od and my credit card needs to be shocked with the paddles.

Shopping wasn't all I did. Working, studying (very little), hanging with Amanda, then Lizagna, class. OC: Didn't work out and ate too freaking much.

Tomorrow I drive... today actually. I am thinking the weekend will be good. I get to mow the lawn. There is no cost, only benefit here. Well okay... OC: Doing hw. But who cares? I love mowing lawns and I haven't gotten to in so long. Let a girl be happy for christ's sake!

Now I am sleepy. OC: studying for the test I have soon... Oh well.

People who talk behind others backs are everyone! We have all done it at some point another but if you wouldn't say it to their face then don't say it. Obviously there are times you vent, but you need to learn to vent to the right people... not to a close friend (am I a close friend? hmm) anyway, not to the friend of the person you are bashing.

A neck rub would make me purr like a kitten. OC: really there isn't one. A neck rub would be heavenly.

If love exists then it is in the rain

There are moments in my life where I have felt truly and totally part of life. Not a moment of excitement or of thrills.

When it rains. "God is in the rain" was said in a wonderful movie.
Only when there is a truly outrageous storm do I feel myself melt with love, with devotion, with utter contentment with life. Captured in each droplet that runs down my face, each bolt of lightening that zaps awareness with its blinding light, each boom that vibrates through my body as the clouds grumble with lust for more.

When the sky, the heavens, the utter beyond opens up and pours the contents down. Each river, lake, stream, puddle, ocean... It touches you in a way you can't be touched by anything else. Each tear that has been spilt comes down again and drowns the grass with sorrows and happiness.

I was in love in the rain once. Easily one of the best nights, so far, of my life. Dancing, running, singing, kissing... Drenched clothes, a small dorm bathroom, washing water with water.
Now those jeans don't fit, that shirt is sold in a garage sale and yet... I still have that moment each time it rains. On replay in my head begging to be felt and touched and heard. My heart beats with longing for something to happen like that again. For that touch that says "forever".

If...when I move away will I see these kinds of storms? I can't imagine anything as perfectly chaotic and peaceful as the storms Missouri offers. It is a soul in torment. A soul in love.

I sit in the rain, especially when it pours at night. I cry with utter joy, literally, from the beauty of perfection. The glow of street lights, the thunder cracking like a whip overhead, the rain soaking me and bringing me to life. It feeds that longing, it shows me that I am not alone when I ache. The Earth aches and groans and lusts for something until it can not bear the weight and so releases on those who would tear her to shreds.

I am not alone the rhythm of a longing heart. We have something in common. We reach, but there is always distance to overcome and obstacles in the way. Let these tears, the drops of pure need rain upon the earth and flow to the heart. The heart that mine beats for. Feed it, sustain it so that when I find it, I too can have a bright sunny moment of clarity.

Just like Glass

I'll bite you hard without a thought. Just simple minded cold words that fall off this melting icicle.

Don't be under the illusion that I care because that would take effort that just isn't there. Your problems and your thoughts don't have a lot of value and I don't care to be bought with false feelings that you think you have.

One in the same, that is all people are. Just a mess of faces and constant similarity.

I am begging you. Any one. Just stand out to me. Show me something different. Give me a reason to believe in individuality instead of a constant reality of drudgery.

You think being different is easy? That all you have to do is change your clothes? Change your look? Change your actions? To what, I ask. What about each of those actions is different from anything that has come before you.

I am bleeding with boredom. I am gagging on disgust.

And the reason, That face that stares out at me. All of them.

Damn the mirror that shows me nothing new, but simply the hateful image of dying flesh and nothing unique.

Head Full of Lead

I wake up and there is no one here beside me...
There, playing in the background, the music talking about falling in love. "Take my hand" it begs.
Mine is empty, I could reach, I could fall in with you but I will withdraw. Because I don't think it is possible to love fully with the head I have. The replacement I received six months ago cancels out the heart almost every time. And I wake up from nightmares of cold eyes, violent hands, and "I can't do this anymore..."

Was it just a dream? And if so was it my nightmare, a dream, a moment in time yet to happen? All I know is my pulse rushed and everything hurt till I slept again.
Then another. Repeat of the first. My escape became a hell and now torments me silly today.
I slept but my head feels full of lead and I just want to be held and drift away where those things don't happen. But even in the darkness of night, in the comfort of sleep, whispers of a dark moment surface and steal away my breath.

The laundry needs done, a lot of reading awaits me, pages of economics, poetry, fiction, and literary journals; all of them begging for a moment of time. Then there are the shelves that need building, the workout that needs doing, the room that still needs cleaning, the internship that needs interned, the car that needs cleaned... I want it done today but there is simply no way it will be.

Ingrid Michaelson's Can't Help Falling In Love With You:

Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
So take my hand, and take my whole life too
Cause I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows so surely to the sea
Oh my darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
So won't you please take my hand, and take my whole life too
Cause I can't help falling in love, in love with you
Cause I can't help falling in love, falling in love,
I keep falling in love with you

Penguin Bumps

I am not a goose but I am cold
Always a river of freezing blood
Dousing the fire in my eyes
But never what lays below clothes.

My heart is a stone wall
But the sun heats it up
It can't melt like penguin's icy homes
But it gets hot and burns through logic.

Icicles develop on my frigid mind
Toes tingle as feeling flees from the body
and puffs of white hot steam escape
My shrinking lungs

But that stone heart is hot to the touch
And it heats the blood slightly
each Rush of blue it turns red
Boiling me like the lobsters that envy the penguins freedom.

It heats and withstands
The rays from the sun
And gives hope
To those my dreams dressed in black tuxedos.

I waddle my way
Through thoughts slowly melting
Turning into puddles
Meant to be splashed away.

Come Back To Me Now

Goodbye Florida. I won't miss you. With your roller coasters and humidity, there is nothing to truly love except the fish that swim from your sea into my tummy.
But I didn't eat much of that so it doesn't really matter a significant amount.
Back to KC then to Columiba, where people are waiting to see me and hang out. People who won't cross boundaries and upset me. People that I really care about even if there are times I get annoyed by them.

I said good bye to bad for me food today with a bang. Bigmacs are really so good. But I feel a bit sick now. Again. Oh well. Flying gives me the jitters and bigmcs make me fat. I am saying goodbye to both for awhile. Reforming my tastes and eating well while including 2 hours of working out eventually. Gotta work my way to it.

I will long for the ocean soon. There wasn't much time with it; just the one day is all we had. I didn't swim much but the waves were soothing to listen to and the sand was soft to the touch.

The Rosetta Stone is offered in a machine, like a snack machine, only this one is for your brain and costs $200.00. Expensive snack brain food.

I taste the stale taste of McDonalds in my mouth. Unappealing. Grease, salt, and fake burger patties. I am not so sad to see it go.

IF murder wasn't illegal I think I might try it. There is a feeling that I get from a certain someone that pushes my very limits of self control.

Misquitos suck. Obviously.

Beach Blistering Baggage

A beach is someplace to dig holes
in the mind, full of creatures below
Sifting and changing with the tides.

The sun bears down upon my brow
Flesh is tingling in the sun
Seagulls are skimming the shallows waters
For dead bodies.

Here I am for you
Fly down upon me annoying berating birds
My blistered body is the vessel
Served up on a plate of sand

Thinking while digging my own grave
deep in the sand
Salt water washes upon me
The tide pulls me out

~Tressa Canaday~