Let me stutter over the word Love.

Lets say... Just for a moment, that this isn't as hard as it is.
There the moment is past. Now back to the present.

I feel torn. Not that you care, but its true. Never have i been so out of sync with myself. Fun, easy going, silly, lovey me and Chill, party, school, adventure, change, pessimistic me are at a battle that would blow WW2 out of the park. Actually, I am not so self centered as to believe my own issues compare to that of the world's but it was a visual.

"Live in the moment. Focus on the positives. It may be good for us to just do some things on our own". Okay then. But when? What if I get sick of trying so hard all the time? I can't picture myself with out you, but I can't with you anymore either. And what about the ocean and all that jazz? The fishes... Halibut is my favorite but I enjoy crab, lobster, swordfish...

What has happened to my heart? There is a change. I understand life is full of lessons, so what is this one... Do i stay with what is familiar, or is this the time to grow and expand and focus on me without feeling so wrapped up in panic about something I feel could fall to pieces any moment?

But why do I feel crushed at the thought of not having you to talk to, do crafts with, be that side of me no one else gets? Never have I been so intimate and I don't want that with anyone else.

Love isn't something that I feel I always want. Or if it is, it is story book love. That love where he looks at me and smiles because he is so happy I am there. The love where I can't wait to cook dinner for him and then afterwards roll around in our bed laughing and being in love. I don't want what fades, I want what lasts. And sometimes I think I have it... other times I feel like I am pushing away from it because I know there are things that won't ever be given to me.

I cry when I see people get proposed to... Today at the baseball game... Because I want someone to love me that much. But I don't think that is there for me. And its sad, and I get it. Because I love freedom and movement and change.

But the other side wants to be tied down and loved so much that he would fight to the death just for me.

What is more important? How do I clear my head and listen to my heart? What if I am sick of what my heart has to say because it is so unrealistic?