Beautiful ~Eminem~
Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you
I'm just so fuckin' depressed I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick that mic back up I don't know how I pry away
And I ended up in this position I'm in I starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick this pen Up and tried to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit Or come to grips, with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet I know some shits so hard to swallow But I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow Copy One tough act to follow Here today, gone tomorrow
But you have to walk a thousand miles
In my shoes, just to see What it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to Feel your pain, you feel mine Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find Look at shit through each other's eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful OoOo They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you sOoOoo Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
OoOo They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you
I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything is so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room Just as soon as I walk in
It's like all eyes on me So I try to avoid any eye contact
Cause if I do that then it opens a door to conversation
Like I want that... I'm not looking for extra attention
I just want to be just like you Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom I don't need fucking man servant
Tryin to follow me around, and wipe my ass Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of them ain't even funny like
Ahh Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn
Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't have to trade our shoes
And you don't have to walk no thousand miles
In my shoes, just to see What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find Look at shit through each other's eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
OoOo They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you sOoOoo
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
OoOo They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you sOoOoo
Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands they've delt
We have to take these cards ourselves
And flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could have either just
Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
But take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid
To wait but I know to unpack his bags
Never sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in
Every single place
Every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid
Aunt Edna always told me
Keep making that face till it gets stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standing there
Holding my tongue up trying to talk like this
Till I stuck my tongue on the frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old
I learned my lesson and cause I wasn't tryin to impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
Cause where you see it from where you're sitting
Is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each other's shoes, at least
What size you where? I wear tens
Let's see if you can fit your feet
[Chorus]
In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
All be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
OoOo They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you sOoOoo
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
OoOo They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you sOoOoo
Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world Where they can be alone... sOoOoo
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through OoOo
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you
sOoOoo Oo Oo
Yea... To my babies. Stay strong.
Daddy will be home soon
And to the rest of the world, god gave you the shoes
That fit you, so put em on and wear em
And be yourself man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny,
Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful
Friday, September 18, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Boated Dead Fish
Why aren't we talking?
Today I have been semi productive... I am hoping still that I accomplish more than the average bear. REading through manuscripts is something that I would love to do all the time, if only it was all I had pressing me.
I keep looking at my shelf of books and I long to read the ones that I am ignorant of. Those pages that have yet to be logged into my memory and whisper sweet nothings to me... "Come, read us. Know us..."
My cat is asleep on my bras which are on my owl blanket. He adores that blanket and I don't really know why. He is big and soft and part of what makes my heart thud in my chest, and that blanket is fleece. HE is wonderful. As for my dwarf hamster, he was rowdy today and tipped his food bowl over twice, right after I cleaned the cage. I hate that it is a cage. I wish he could run freely, but maybe he doesn't mind so much since clear walls are all he has ever known.
There are still bills to pay, presents to buy, things to read (not my books :( ) and a dinner to get ready for. Oh don't forget the start of a week of working out. I am determined to drop these pounds, again. Weight is such a nasty thing. Yuck.
A boyfriend is living here this week, annoying. Girl roommates are not something I would recommend unless you have a seriously high tolerance for bullshit. Sadly, I have. But after this year that will change and I will either be alone or with a male. And of course there is always my cat and hamster to keep me smiling. The do not cause drama. They don't have unwanted company over. Pets are the best.
I need to produce and accomplish...
Today I have been semi productive... I am hoping still that I accomplish more than the average bear. REading through manuscripts is something that I would love to do all the time, if only it was all I had pressing me.
I keep looking at my shelf of books and I long to read the ones that I am ignorant of. Those pages that have yet to be logged into my memory and whisper sweet nothings to me... "Come, read us. Know us..."
My cat is asleep on my bras which are on my owl blanket. He adores that blanket and I don't really know why. He is big and soft and part of what makes my heart thud in my chest, and that blanket is fleece. HE is wonderful. As for my dwarf hamster, he was rowdy today and tipped his food bowl over twice, right after I cleaned the cage. I hate that it is a cage. I wish he could run freely, but maybe he doesn't mind so much since clear walls are all he has ever known.
There are still bills to pay, presents to buy, things to read (not my books :( ) and a dinner to get ready for. Oh don't forget the start of a week of working out. I am determined to drop these pounds, again. Weight is such a nasty thing. Yuck.
A boyfriend is living here this week, annoying. Girl roommates are not something I would recommend unless you have a seriously high tolerance for bullshit. Sadly, I have. But after this year that will change and I will either be alone or with a male. And of course there is always my cat and hamster to keep me smiling. The do not cause drama. They don't have unwanted company over. Pets are the best.
I need to produce and accomplish...
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
In the darkness a sweet craving creeps into my heart.
A demon wraps his arms around me and tells me to give in and let go.
Purity evaporates with the stealing of something that wasn't worth much in the first place.
Don't blame yourself for what a failure I have become.
It was okay that they both wanted to abandon me. My parents... they both would have given me up.
To this day I am surprised that I wasn't put up for adoption.
What is the worth of what I have gone through?
How about your life? Tell me about it.
I want a bed time story with all the characters, good, bad, evil, pure.
I can feel my skin. I can see my face. How unsightly.
There are moments when I just feel and refuse to look or think of it logically.
Logic cannot give me an answer for why after 21 years I feel like I have no idea what it feels like to be really loved.
It isn't just books and stories that confuse me.
The longing is there to be swept away and given a forever.
However, I know happily ever after never existed and never will. I am not five or six. Not anymore.
The piano playing the melody in my background soothes me.
I crack a smile and think of how I wish someone would look at me and think "She is beautiful, I love her"
I know that I tend to mess up a lot of things.
I have reasons for my madness, for my anger, for the self -obliterating button that I hit in emergencies.
Oh, you thought you were the only one? No, no love. Mine is small and hidden. Where is yours?
What do I want?
What am I feeling?
What is the point?
Grab me. Demand that I see what is standing before me. Demon, God, human, Choice... whatever you are reveal yourself to me. You be the weak one and lay yourself out for me to see. I have nothing to lay before you anymore.
A demon wraps his arms around me and tells me to give in and let go.
Purity evaporates with the stealing of something that wasn't worth much in the first place.
Don't blame yourself for what a failure I have become.
It was okay that they both wanted to abandon me. My parents... they both would have given me up.
To this day I am surprised that I wasn't put up for adoption.
What is the worth of what I have gone through?
How about your life? Tell me about it.
I want a bed time story with all the characters, good, bad, evil, pure.
I can feel my skin. I can see my face. How unsightly.
There are moments when I just feel and refuse to look or think of it logically.
Logic cannot give me an answer for why after 21 years I feel like I have no idea what it feels like to be really loved.
It isn't just books and stories that confuse me.
The longing is there to be swept away and given a forever.
However, I know happily ever after never existed and never will. I am not five or six. Not anymore.
The piano playing the melody in my background soothes me.
I crack a smile and think of how I wish someone would look at me and think "She is beautiful, I love her"
I know that I tend to mess up a lot of things.
I have reasons for my madness, for my anger, for the self -obliterating button that I hit in emergencies.
Oh, you thought you were the only one? No, no love. Mine is small and hidden. Where is yours?
What do I want?
What am I feeling?
What is the point?
Grab me. Demand that I see what is standing before me. Demon, God, human, Choice... whatever you are reveal yourself to me. You be the weak one and lay yourself out for me to see. I have nothing to lay before you anymore.
I prefer to be Alone.
There is a hunger, a craving that wakes up in the darkness.
When the sun hides its shining face behind the blanket of black silk, the stars and moon glitter sweetly and tempt me into something I could take if only I would reach for it.
Piles of work glare at me from the floor because I don't dare put them on the desk. What if it broke? I don't trust it. My bed holds me sweetly, cradling me and whispering sweet nothings in my ears. "Sleep darling. Close your eyes and drift into dreams and nothingness...rest".
I want answers! I want time to think, to write, to explore. Make my dreams vivid and full of color, emotion, awareness and dear bed you can take me to wherever you wish. Awake or asleep, it does not matter.
I want to walk with you on a road, gravel paths, chalky white sidewalks, and grass that tickles my ankles. I want to tell you my stories and let you explore my past. How fascinating it must seem to someone who hasn't lived it. Just like yours makes me smile and ache in ways you simply don't imagine. Yes, I make that assumption. I know that I can never understand someone else's stories, though I relish listening to them. Tell me about how when you were young you "fill in the blank". Tell me of your dreams and your let downs. Tell me of anger, kisses, hurts, healing, darling tell me of your growth. Let me see you as the seed you once were so that I can understand this towering plant in front of me, or next to me. What are you? Not a flower, heavens no. Not a veggie or even fruit. A tree perhaps?
Shade me from the thoughts and bruises that linger and scar me with dreadful thoughts. Stint to flow of endless tears that are more invisible each and everyday. They do not glitter like diamonds, they wash nothing away, no river like tendencies. My screams and sobs and wretched tears are quiet, silent, and nothingness upon the wind.
Make time to tell me what needs told. I do not live in the present, but am always falling behind or so far ahead that I lose sight of those in my life NOW. My heart pumps, thumps, thuds against my chest to let me know it is here, not there, that I am and belong for now in this place of utter confusion.
24 hours of sweet aloneness. 24 hours of staring into the sky and simply letting my thoughts drift about. They clatter here and there begging to be released, but really there is no one to tell. I have been heard before and everyone loses interest after awhile. I am the dress from yesterday, the forgotten ghost, the unexciting news that you try to evade. We are speeding through these moments, not caring for clarity, and then I look back and forward and wonder, "How ever did I get here?"
Bring me home... But first show me what that means. To have a home. To love with out boundary. To give and bleed and love without restraint. Give me something that isn't tainted. Show me being alone isn't all it is cracked up to be... Can you?
When the sun hides its shining face behind the blanket of black silk, the stars and moon glitter sweetly and tempt me into something I could take if only I would reach for it.
Piles of work glare at me from the floor because I don't dare put them on the desk. What if it broke? I don't trust it. My bed holds me sweetly, cradling me and whispering sweet nothings in my ears. "Sleep darling. Close your eyes and drift into dreams and nothingness...rest".
I want answers! I want time to think, to write, to explore. Make my dreams vivid and full of color, emotion, awareness and dear bed you can take me to wherever you wish. Awake or asleep, it does not matter.
I want to walk with you on a road, gravel paths, chalky white sidewalks, and grass that tickles my ankles. I want to tell you my stories and let you explore my past. How fascinating it must seem to someone who hasn't lived it. Just like yours makes me smile and ache in ways you simply don't imagine. Yes, I make that assumption. I know that I can never understand someone else's stories, though I relish listening to them. Tell me about how when you were young you "fill in the blank". Tell me of your dreams and your let downs. Tell me of anger, kisses, hurts, healing, darling tell me of your growth. Let me see you as the seed you once were so that I can understand this towering plant in front of me, or next to me. What are you? Not a flower, heavens no. Not a veggie or even fruit. A tree perhaps?
Shade me from the thoughts and bruises that linger and scar me with dreadful thoughts. Stint to flow of endless tears that are more invisible each and everyday. They do not glitter like diamonds, they wash nothing away, no river like tendencies. My screams and sobs and wretched tears are quiet, silent, and nothingness upon the wind.
Make time to tell me what needs told. I do not live in the present, but am always falling behind or so far ahead that I lose sight of those in my life NOW. My heart pumps, thumps, thuds against my chest to let me know it is here, not there, that I am and belong for now in this place of utter confusion.
24 hours of sweet aloneness. 24 hours of staring into the sky and simply letting my thoughts drift about. They clatter here and there begging to be released, but really there is no one to tell. I have been heard before and everyone loses interest after awhile. I am the dress from yesterday, the forgotten ghost, the unexciting news that you try to evade. We are speeding through these moments, not caring for clarity, and then I look back and forward and wonder, "How ever did I get here?"
Bring me home... But first show me what that means. To have a home. To love with out boundary. To give and bleed and love without restraint. Give me something that isn't tainted. Show me being alone isn't all it is cracked up to be... Can you?
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Stagnant Silt
If the world is full of color and sensation then what happened to my canvas?
What have I done? The colors have faded from a vibrant hue of reds and blues and greens and purples to a faded, dull, and stormy gray. There is no flash of lightening there is no rainbow to give hope for something different. There is only different shades of gray and empty nothingness.
Why don't I add some color? I don't know how. I don't know that I am done with this gray painting. I have been living on this canvas for so long that I am scared to start something new.
I am craving a change. Like a drug, I need something new something to move me. I haven't been moved in a long time. My spark has flickered and sputtered and is struggling to grow back into a blazing fire. There is no positivity in me anymore. There is only doubt and frustration and the knowledge that I could do something else but that I am scared to take that step.
I know how I could change things... but I know that will hurt. Change isn't very pleasant at first. It can be terrible and down right painful most of the time. However, usually there comes the bliss once it is realized that this was not for the worse.
Do I change? Do I fix my own problem? Or do I become on of the billions who settle and keep on trying to change gray into yellow?
What have I done? The colors have faded from a vibrant hue of reds and blues and greens and purples to a faded, dull, and stormy gray. There is no flash of lightening there is no rainbow to give hope for something different. There is only different shades of gray and empty nothingness.
Why don't I add some color? I don't know how. I don't know that I am done with this gray painting. I have been living on this canvas for so long that I am scared to start something new.
I am craving a change. Like a drug, I need something new something to move me. I haven't been moved in a long time. My spark has flickered and sputtered and is struggling to grow back into a blazing fire. There is no positivity in me anymore. There is only doubt and frustration and the knowledge that I could do something else but that I am scared to take that step.
I know how I could change things... but I know that will hurt. Change isn't very pleasant at first. It can be terrible and down right painful most of the time. However, usually there comes the bliss once it is realized that this was not for the worse.
Do I change? Do I fix my own problem? Or do I become on of the billions who settle and keep on trying to change gray into yellow?
Monday, August 24, 2009
Travel By Time
I don’t know that loving someone is really worth the pain that it will someday bring. No matter what you do, no matter what you try you will always lose the people you care about. Sometimes it will be a falling out, sometimes it will be a breaking up, and sometimes it will be death. Any way that it happens, if you let your heart be that vulnerable, if you let it open up and accept that moment where your grandpa lifts you up or you spill you heart out to your mom, or that moment when you see him or her and you heart wells up with love and you just know he /she is it.
How is someone supposed to handle that loss? How do you prepare yourself for it?
Don’t think about it. Live in the present it usually your best bet, because otherwise it would drive a girl insane. Know that the boy she kisses will someday disappear. To know the father she hugs will wither into nothingness. To know that even now her grandpa is only a memory. There are people already out of her grasp that she can’t ever reach again. Sure there are the possibility of heaven or the afterlife… but none of that is sure. None of it is secure, at least not for me. I don’t have that faith. It isn’t that I don’t believe in anything, surely there is some higher power, but what I believe in revolves about the power of the self and my power lacks when it comes to avoiding loss.
When you find that cat outside of Borders and he meows and you know, you just know in your heart that this is for you. That he is meant to be yours, to hold, squeeze, cry on, laugh at. I couldn’t avoid falling in love even if I wanted to on that night. I plunged head first into a love so deep I don’t know how I will ever not have my precious cat.
That is what I am talking about though. Is there any choice in the matter? In choice that involves living and breathing and participating in the world of humans, not hidden in a cabin far away from any person. And there of course is the question, does the feeling and those moments of love make up for the fact that someday, sooner or later, your heart…my heart will be broken and filled with a gaping hole of loss.
I barely knew him. I was 10 when he died. As I spun, danced on my tipsy toes, smiled into a crowd, he was off in the woods bleeding and looking up at the sky with dead eyes. Instantly he was gone. I never had a chance. I sat on his knee and he taught me how to catch fish. He showed me how to mow a lawn with a tractor and he laughed as I raced down the gravel driveway going 15 miles an hour on a john deer tractor laughing my 7 year old head off. Those are the only moments I really have of him. I don’t know how I can miss him so so much and yet never have really known him. I had nightmares of the night he died. Of the field and the scream that rips through my throat warning him “Don’t go grandpa. Stay here” Then the gunshot rings out. There have been dreams where he visits me. He walks with me and asks how I am doing. It isn’t a dream it is really him. He holds my hand and tells me how much I have grown. We look in on my grandmother; it hurts him to see my father where he is. It hurts him to know we are broken. And then he hugs me and he has to leave because the sun is coming and I will see him next time. Usually years away. And I wake up and my heart throbs and my arms ache because he is gone and that… that is the only time I ever see him.
I don’t know how I can stand the loss of people. I don’t know how I can stand the loss of those precious to me. I don’t know why I let them in so close in the first place.
Part of me craves to push it away. Part of me thinks I should run. But those people will always be here… they are always in my heart. Even those I thought were mine forever, those who aren’t dead still reside in there even if they are lost. They come in dreams; they come in moments when I just don’t expect it.
As much as it hurts, like now… All I want is to be held and loved so deeply that someone will understand. I want someone to miss me when I am gone, someone who wants to hold me close forever. How can I be so foolish?
I yearn to love fully. I want to be whole. I want to kiss his mouth and be swept off into our future… but there he disappears. There he leaves me alone in a house, graying and cold. Is there anything worth that pain? Is there anyway someone will love me like that.
Live in the present, enjoy what there is here and alive and in your possession you silly foolish soft hearted girl. I look next to me and smile.
Even though I can’t bear the thought of it, I would rather deal with the pain instead of those I love having to feel it for me.
How is someone supposed to handle that loss? How do you prepare yourself for it?
Don’t think about it. Live in the present it usually your best bet, because otherwise it would drive a girl insane. Know that the boy she kisses will someday disappear. To know the father she hugs will wither into nothingness. To know that even now her grandpa is only a memory. There are people already out of her grasp that she can’t ever reach again. Sure there are the possibility of heaven or the afterlife… but none of that is sure. None of it is secure, at least not for me. I don’t have that faith. It isn’t that I don’t believe in anything, surely there is some higher power, but what I believe in revolves about the power of the self and my power lacks when it comes to avoiding loss.
When you find that cat outside of Borders and he meows and you know, you just know in your heart that this is for you. That he is meant to be yours, to hold, squeeze, cry on, laugh at. I couldn’t avoid falling in love even if I wanted to on that night. I plunged head first into a love so deep I don’t know how I will ever not have my precious cat.
That is what I am talking about though. Is there any choice in the matter? In choice that involves living and breathing and participating in the world of humans, not hidden in a cabin far away from any person. And there of course is the question, does the feeling and those moments of love make up for the fact that someday, sooner or later, your heart…my heart will be broken and filled with a gaping hole of loss.
I barely knew him. I was 10 when he died. As I spun, danced on my tipsy toes, smiled into a crowd, he was off in the woods bleeding and looking up at the sky with dead eyes. Instantly he was gone. I never had a chance. I sat on his knee and he taught me how to catch fish. He showed me how to mow a lawn with a tractor and he laughed as I raced down the gravel driveway going 15 miles an hour on a john deer tractor laughing my 7 year old head off. Those are the only moments I really have of him. I don’t know how I can miss him so so much and yet never have really known him. I had nightmares of the night he died. Of the field and the scream that rips through my throat warning him “Don’t go grandpa. Stay here” Then the gunshot rings out. There have been dreams where he visits me. He walks with me and asks how I am doing. It isn’t a dream it is really him. He holds my hand and tells me how much I have grown. We look in on my grandmother; it hurts him to see my father where he is. It hurts him to know we are broken. And then he hugs me and he has to leave because the sun is coming and I will see him next time. Usually years away. And I wake up and my heart throbs and my arms ache because he is gone and that… that is the only time I ever see him.
I don’t know how I can stand the loss of people. I don’t know how I can stand the loss of those precious to me. I don’t know why I let them in so close in the first place.
Part of me craves to push it away. Part of me thinks I should run. But those people will always be here… they are always in my heart. Even those I thought were mine forever, those who aren’t dead still reside in there even if they are lost. They come in dreams; they come in moments when I just don’t expect it.
As much as it hurts, like now… All I want is to be held and loved so deeply that someone will understand. I want someone to miss me when I am gone, someone who wants to hold me close forever. How can I be so foolish?
I yearn to love fully. I want to be whole. I want to kiss his mouth and be swept off into our future… but there he disappears. There he leaves me alone in a house, graying and cold. Is there anything worth that pain? Is there anyway someone will love me like that.
Live in the present, enjoy what there is here and alive and in your possession you silly foolish soft hearted girl. I look next to me and smile.
Even though I can’t bear the thought of it, I would rather deal with the pain instead of those I love having to feel it for me.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Tomorrow We Begin For the Last Time
Senior year of college. The final year that you are a kid in school. Sure we are adults by age standards, but let us be honest and face that being in college rarely means you are an adult. We hang out in each other's garages avoiding hw and studying while scrambling the next day to make it to some class you don't care about to sit through and most likely fall asleep or surf the web.
I for one, will not have an adult life like this. I know there are those who just exchange the garage for a bar and a job they don't care about. I am on a path where I am going to do something I love, and while I may not love it everyday I am going to be working in the field I want to work in. How do I know this? Because I refuse to settle for less. In one area of my life I refuse to settle for less than what I really want.
The weather is perfect for school. It has cooled down some but still the sun shines and we get warm days. My schedule is pretty decent and leaves me more free time than I could ever ask for. By free time I mean the time I will be filling with studying and working for my internships and HOPEFULLY be seeing my wonderful friends.
I have some huge choices ahead of me. They are on my mind a lot.
Things I am sad about this summer... I didn't get to go to WOF yet and ride upside down rides. I didn't read even half the books I planned on reading. And I didn't finish my shot book. But I am started on that and worlds of fun may be happening in Oct and there is always more time to read. Afterall, that is what I want to do forever.
I am getting ready for friends birthdays and what not. I have a lot it seems in the fall. But I love and embrace being busy.
Martial arts is also on the agenda this year. :D
I for one, will not have an adult life like this. I know there are those who just exchange the garage for a bar and a job they don't care about. I am on a path where I am going to do something I love, and while I may not love it everyday I am going to be working in the field I want to work in. How do I know this? Because I refuse to settle for less. In one area of my life I refuse to settle for less than what I really want.
The weather is perfect for school. It has cooled down some but still the sun shines and we get warm days. My schedule is pretty decent and leaves me more free time than I could ever ask for. By free time I mean the time I will be filling with studying and working for my internships and HOPEFULLY be seeing my wonderful friends.
I have some huge choices ahead of me. They are on my mind a lot.
Things I am sad about this summer... I didn't get to go to WOF yet and ride upside down rides. I didn't read even half the books I planned on reading. And I didn't finish my shot book. But I am started on that and worlds of fun may be happening in Oct and there is always more time to read. Afterall, that is what I want to do forever.
I am getting ready for friends birthdays and what not. I have a lot it seems in the fall. But I love and embrace being busy.
Martial arts is also on the agenda this year. :D
Saturday, August 22, 2009
I love you
I love you. I do. I want to scream it, I want to tell you to your face over and over. I want to watch your face and kiss your lips and tell you... I love you. I didn't want to ever feel this but I do and it won't go away and that makes me happy and sad and lost and found all at once.
Could it have just been lust? Can lust turn to love?
How do you give yourself totally to someone?
Could it have just been lust? Can lust turn to love?
How do you give yourself totally to someone?
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Yes this is blood.
And so this is today. Today is just another third weekend saturday. Visit dad, go to eat, sit at home wishing it was no longer the weekend.
I want to be that type of girl that can do magic. The kind of girl that wants to dance in moonbeams and laugh in sunrays. My eyes would sparkle with secrets and my fingers would flow with electricity.
I want to be that type of girl that can do magic. The kind of girl that wants to dance in moonbeams and laugh in sunrays. My eyes would sparkle with secrets and my fingers would flow with electricity.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
I have a kitty in my lap and a craving in my belly.
Today my grandma called me fat. This is nothing new and yet it stings and whittles away at my self-esteem each time. (I am 5'7 and weigh 150. I am working on dropping about 10lbs). I don't think I am FAT...even though i want to lose weight. This is just what is on my mind kind of... Why does she need to say things like that? Do I disappoint her?
Image is a frustrating thing. No girl likes the twig image. In order for a 5'7 girl to be pretty she has to be 120 image. Screw that. I enjoy have an butt and a few curves, but I can't help feeling that pressure and that need to just stop eating and get myself to that awesome twig like image. Working out of course is the healthy option but who has time? ha. ha.
Does anyone deserve what they get? Is Karma a real thing? If so... I think I deserve... Hmmmmmmmmm. I don't know honestly. i thought of funny things to say... I deserve a snickers bar, a gold star, to already be done with college, to own fiji... But none of those are serious. I realize that in time those things will come (maybe not fiji but most of them) and I am okay with waiting and working towards those goals...
I hate when my Grandmother has the TV up so freaking loud above me that I can hear what they are saying in my room downstairs.
I love this room... though I would love it more if it was decorated by me for me. This is just my room away from my real home now up at college. That is where my true spunky decorative self is on display.
I adore pictures.
I have been baking a lot lately and getting more into cooking. It is so much fun and you can alter recipes to be good or at least better for your body. Plus fresh food is so much tastier than a frozen mass of mush.
None of this matters. I just felt like talking/rambling and so here we are.
I want to write a book. I really do. I think I will... But first I am going to read now.
Image is a frustrating thing. No girl likes the twig image. In order for a 5'7 girl to be pretty she has to be 120 image. Screw that. I enjoy have an butt and a few curves, but I can't help feeling that pressure and that need to just stop eating and get myself to that awesome twig like image. Working out of course is the healthy option but who has time? ha. ha.
Does anyone deserve what they get? Is Karma a real thing? If so... I think I deserve... Hmmmmmmmmm. I don't know honestly. i thought of funny things to say... I deserve a snickers bar, a gold star, to already be done with college, to own fiji... But none of those are serious. I realize that in time those things will come (maybe not fiji but most of them) and I am okay with waiting and working towards those goals...
I hate when my Grandmother has the TV up so freaking loud above me that I can hear what they are saying in my room downstairs.
I love this room... though I would love it more if it was decorated by me for me. This is just my room away from my real home now up at college. That is where my true spunky decorative self is on display.
I adore pictures.
I have been baking a lot lately and getting more into cooking. It is so much fun and you can alter recipes to be good or at least better for your body. Plus fresh food is so much tastier than a frozen mass of mush.
None of this matters. I just felt like talking/rambling and so here we are.
I want to write a book. I really do. I think I will... But first I am going to read now.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
TURN IT OFF
How in the hell am i supposed to stop thinking? Day dreaming... imagining... What part of me do I push, punch, flip, twist... whatever to get my thoughts to just focus on hw and not on other things.
What if i wanted to lie to myself? Just for 24 hours... Just to alter my reality for a day and see what that reality would be like. It wouldn't have to seriously affect anyone. It would just be me and the way I feel and act and proceed. Just switch to being a different person, me but a different version, Me 2.0.
I would keep it a secret. Some would notice, most would not. I could just fit in different shoes, test it out. I can't be the only one who has thought of this idea...can I? Surely no. Someone else out there has got to still want to be them, but let out the side or a different part that stays dormant because it doesn't fit in with the life path they are walking. They don't want to alter it for sure until they have had a look down the new path.
What I would give... a lot of things. Not my cat though, or my books. It isn't that important. But I would pay... or do a favor.
What if i wanted to lie to myself? Just for 24 hours... Just to alter my reality for a day and see what that reality would be like. It wouldn't have to seriously affect anyone. It would just be me and the way I feel and act and proceed. Just switch to being a different person, me but a different version, Me 2.0.
I would keep it a secret. Some would notice, most would not. I could just fit in different shoes, test it out. I can't be the only one who has thought of this idea...can I? Surely no. Someone else out there has got to still want to be them, but let out the side or a different part that stays dormant because it doesn't fit in with the life path they are walking. They don't want to alter it for sure until they have had a look down the new path.
What I would give... a lot of things. Not my cat though, or my books. It isn't that important. But I would pay... or do a favor.
I am a victim of love
I am. I let myself be.
But then again, I wonder what it really feels like. Is it different with each person? Can you love more than one person at a time? How do you know you are falling in love?
I am burning up at the moment. The weather is beautiful and all I want is to ditch my hw and lay outside looking at the stars and making wishes like a 5 year old.
However, I am not five. I am a ripe age of 21 and I am staring down the loaded gun of my last year in college. Where am I going? Will I get a job in publishing? Will my relationships last? Will I be able to move away from MO like i plan on?
Dear lord. Make my brain shut the hell up. I need to get through tonight's work load first... If only my neck didn't feel like someone hit me with a baseball bat.
But then again, I wonder what it really feels like. Is it different with each person? Can you love more than one person at a time? How do you know you are falling in love?
I am burning up at the moment. The weather is beautiful and all I want is to ditch my hw and lay outside looking at the stars and making wishes like a 5 year old.
However, I am not five. I am a ripe age of 21 and I am staring down the loaded gun of my last year in college. Where am I going? Will I get a job in publishing? Will my relationships last? Will I be able to move away from MO like i plan on?
Dear lord. Make my brain shut the hell up. I need to get through tonight's work load first... If only my neck didn't feel like someone hit me with a baseball bat.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
The 4th
I adore this holiday.
Fireworks, family, fireworks... It just doesn't get any better than this.
I am not usually an advocate for family gathering but this is the best and if I get mad I can literally go blow something up. It is win/win.
Nothing insightful to say, simply excited to cook (for the potluck) and ready to start setting off some smoke bombs while I wait for it to get dark.
Fireworks, family, fireworks... It just doesn't get any better than this.
I am not usually an advocate for family gathering but this is the best and if I get mad I can literally go blow something up. It is win/win.
Nothing insightful to say, simply excited to cook (for the potluck) and ready to start setting off some smoke bombs while I wait for it to get dark.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Fuck You Right Back
Don't mess with me
Don't look at the mess that I am.
Well you want to scream and tell me I am nothing
Your hand print hurts less than the burning cut
Of words that rip through my heart.
Lets see who can shout the loudest
Lets see who bleeds first
Always a competition to see who hurts who worse.
There is a part of me begging to break free
A part of me that wants to flee
But I am addicted to this bloody nose
and these broken bones.
I think we are soul mates, in hell
Your demon like tendencies
And my willing nature to feed the fire
Brings us down and we explode in a show
They would blush to hear what we say
They would tell me to run away
But the lava that runs from your tongue
Melts me to the floor.
The lashing out is my favorite part
When you go for my brittle failing heart
And grab it, crush it, break my spirit
I will scream and you won't hear it.
~Tressa. D. C~
Don't look at the mess that I am.
Well you want to scream and tell me I am nothing
Your hand print hurts less than the burning cut
Of words that rip through my heart.
Lets see who can shout the loudest
Lets see who bleeds first
Always a competition to see who hurts who worse.
There is a part of me begging to break free
A part of me that wants to flee
But I am addicted to this bloody nose
and these broken bones.
I think we are soul mates, in hell
Your demon like tendencies
And my willing nature to feed the fire
Brings us down and we explode in a show
They would blush to hear what we say
They would tell me to run away
But the lava that runs from your tongue
Melts me to the floor.
The lashing out is my favorite part
When you go for my brittle failing heart
And grab it, crush it, break my spirit
I will scream and you won't hear it.
~Tressa. D. C~
Monday, June 22, 2009
Drill Drill Drill
My head is throbbing and I am staring at a computer screen. Not my best idea ever.
Peanut butter is a miracle worker. I have been reading manuscripts for three hours and I had a spoonful... well a couple actually, and now I am ready to get these last few read.
10,200 words isn't a short story by the way. Grr.
Anik is stuck to the curtain. He does that when he gets excited.
I day dreamed a lot today and yet time stood still. How sweet...
Lavender-Honey ice cream is just about the best cup of ice cream I have ever had. I need some more lavender to sooth the throbs in my brain telling me, "Get off the computer and back to reading". NO!
Okay... well yes actually. In a minute.
I want to say something meaningful or interesting... something that matters.
But all I've got is... If it feels like there is a lot of pressure built up in my head from a headache, why am I not allowed to just drill a small hole in it to relieve the throbbing? I think it sounds wonderful. Just fantasizing about it makes my head ache a little bit less. Not enough though.
I like the way he smells.
Peanut butter is a miracle worker. I have been reading manuscripts for three hours and I had a spoonful... well a couple actually, and now I am ready to get these last few read.
10,200 words isn't a short story by the way. Grr.
Anik is stuck to the curtain. He does that when he gets excited.
I day dreamed a lot today and yet time stood still. How sweet...
Lavender-Honey ice cream is just about the best cup of ice cream I have ever had. I need some more lavender to sooth the throbs in my brain telling me, "Get off the computer and back to reading". NO!
Okay... well yes actually. In a minute.
I want to say something meaningful or interesting... something that matters.
But all I've got is... If it feels like there is a lot of pressure built up in my head from a headache, why am I not allowed to just drill a small hole in it to relieve the throbbing? I think it sounds wonderful. Just fantasizing about it makes my head ache a little bit less. Not enough though.
I like the way he smells.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
ZILLA
Bridezillas is a show that features women who are getting married and turn into GIANT BITCHES. Not only are they controlling, bossy, spoiled, and snobby, they treat their men like crap and they are excited to be shitty to people.
Yes, I have watched it and therefore have supported it in that way. These women make me want to go on a killing spree. Marriage is something that is special and be sacred to those getting the chance to be in the position to join like that. I hold it in high regard even though America treats it like a joke. Hence Bridezillas.
Right now there are sisters being all bitchy and they sound retarded while also being terribly mean to each other. Another woman thinks she can spend all the money she wants and not leave any for her fiance because SHE thinks SHE owns him. What. A. BTICH.
Why do people like this stuff? Why do we watch it? Why is it fun to treat people like doormats? I don't get it. I turned the channel. I want to get married and I will never act like that. I will be happy if I find someone willing to settle down and have a life together, why would I treat him like crap?
Yes, I have watched it and therefore have supported it in that way. These women make me want to go on a killing spree. Marriage is something that is special and be sacred to those getting the chance to be in the position to join like that. I hold it in high regard even though America treats it like a joke. Hence Bridezillas.
Right now there are sisters being all bitchy and they sound retarded while also being terribly mean to each other. Another woman thinks she can spend all the money she wants and not leave any for her fiance because SHE thinks SHE owns him. What. A. BTICH.
Why do people like this stuff? Why do we watch it? Why is it fun to treat people like doormats? I don't get it. I turned the channel. I want to get married and I will never act like that. I will be happy if I find someone willing to settle down and have a life together, why would I treat him like crap?
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Opportunity Cost a.k.a OC
If I want to do this then what is the opportunity cost of doing This?
Micro econ is so boring but yet, I don't mind it as much in the summer.
Anik has the hiccups. Kitty cat hiccups are one of the cutest things on this planet. As is when he curls up next to me. Right by me in bed and purrs and hiccups at the same time. The Opportunity Cost of having a cat? I can't live with liz because she is allergic.
Today was busy, not like you care. I went shopping. OC: Didn't work out. I got some very cute things and that always puts me in a good mood. I seriously think shopping is like a drug to me. I don't go every week or anything but once a month I od and my credit card needs to be shocked with the paddles.
Shopping wasn't all I did. Working, studying (very little), hanging with Amanda, then Lizagna, class. OC: Didn't work out and ate too freaking much.
Tomorrow I drive... today actually. I am thinking the weekend will be good. I get to mow the lawn. There is no cost, only benefit here. Well okay... OC: Doing hw. But who cares? I love mowing lawns and I haven't gotten to in so long. Let a girl be happy for christ's sake!
Now I am sleepy. OC: studying for the test I have soon... Oh well.
People who talk behind others backs are everyone! We have all done it at some point another but if you wouldn't say it to their face then don't say it. Obviously there are times you vent, but you need to learn to vent to the right people... not to a close friend (am I a close friend? hmm) anyway, not to the friend of the person you are bashing.
A neck rub would make me purr like a kitten. OC: really there isn't one. A neck rub would be heavenly.
Micro econ is so boring but yet, I don't mind it as much in the summer.
Anik has the hiccups. Kitty cat hiccups are one of the cutest things on this planet. As is when he curls up next to me. Right by me in bed and purrs and hiccups at the same time. The Opportunity Cost of having a cat? I can't live with liz because she is allergic.
Today was busy, not like you care. I went shopping. OC: Didn't work out. I got some very cute things and that always puts me in a good mood. I seriously think shopping is like a drug to me. I don't go every week or anything but once a month I od and my credit card needs to be shocked with the paddles.
Shopping wasn't all I did. Working, studying (very little), hanging with Amanda, then Lizagna, class. OC: Didn't work out and ate too freaking much.
Tomorrow I drive... today actually. I am thinking the weekend will be good. I get to mow the lawn. There is no cost, only benefit here. Well okay... OC: Doing hw. But who cares? I love mowing lawns and I haven't gotten to in so long. Let a girl be happy for christ's sake!
Now I am sleepy. OC: studying for the test I have soon... Oh well.
People who talk behind others backs are everyone! We have all done it at some point another but if you wouldn't say it to their face then don't say it. Obviously there are times you vent, but you need to learn to vent to the right people... not to a close friend (am I a close friend? hmm) anyway, not to the friend of the person you are bashing.
A neck rub would make me purr like a kitten. OC: really there isn't one. A neck rub would be heavenly.
Monday, June 15, 2009
If love exists then it is in the rain
There are moments in my life where I have felt truly and totally part of life. Not a moment of excitement or of thrills.
When it rains. "God is in the rain" was said in a wonderful movie.
Only when there is a truly outrageous storm do I feel myself melt with love, with devotion, with utter contentment with life. Captured in each droplet that runs down my face, each bolt of lightening that zaps awareness with its blinding light, each boom that vibrates through my body as the clouds grumble with lust for more.
When the sky, the heavens, the utter beyond opens up and pours the contents down. Each river, lake, stream, puddle, ocean... It touches you in a way you can't be touched by anything else. Each tear that has been spilt comes down again and drowns the grass with sorrows and happiness.
I was in love in the rain once. Easily one of the best nights, so far, of my life. Dancing, running, singing, kissing... Drenched clothes, a small dorm bathroom, washing water with water.
Now those jeans don't fit, that shirt is sold in a garage sale and yet... I still have that moment each time it rains. On replay in my head begging to be felt and touched and heard. My heart beats with longing for something to happen like that again. For that touch that says "forever".
If...when I move away will I see these kinds of storms? I can't imagine anything as perfectly chaotic and peaceful as the storms Missouri offers. It is a soul in torment. A soul in love.
I sit in the rain, especially when it pours at night. I cry with utter joy, literally, from the beauty of perfection. The glow of street lights, the thunder cracking like a whip overhead, the rain soaking me and bringing me to life. It feeds that longing, it shows me that I am not alone when I ache. The Earth aches and groans and lusts for something until it can not bear the weight and so releases on those who would tear her to shreds.
I am not alone the rhythm of a longing heart. We have something in common. We reach, but there is always distance to overcome and obstacles in the way. Let these tears, the drops of pure need rain upon the earth and flow to the heart. The heart that mine beats for. Feed it, sustain it so that when I find it, I too can have a bright sunny moment of clarity.
When it rains. "God is in the rain" was said in a wonderful movie.
Only when there is a truly outrageous storm do I feel myself melt with love, with devotion, with utter contentment with life. Captured in each droplet that runs down my face, each bolt of lightening that zaps awareness with its blinding light, each boom that vibrates through my body as the clouds grumble with lust for more.
When the sky, the heavens, the utter beyond opens up and pours the contents down. Each river, lake, stream, puddle, ocean... It touches you in a way you can't be touched by anything else. Each tear that has been spilt comes down again and drowns the grass with sorrows and happiness.
I was in love in the rain once. Easily one of the best nights, so far, of my life. Dancing, running, singing, kissing... Drenched clothes, a small dorm bathroom, washing water with water.
Now those jeans don't fit, that shirt is sold in a garage sale and yet... I still have that moment each time it rains. On replay in my head begging to be felt and touched and heard. My heart beats with longing for something to happen like that again. For that touch that says "forever".
If...when I move away will I see these kinds of storms? I can't imagine anything as perfectly chaotic and peaceful as the storms Missouri offers. It is a soul in torment. A soul in love.
I sit in the rain, especially when it pours at night. I cry with utter joy, literally, from the beauty of perfection. The glow of street lights, the thunder cracking like a whip overhead, the rain soaking me and bringing me to life. It feeds that longing, it shows me that I am not alone when I ache. The Earth aches and groans and lusts for something until it can not bear the weight and so releases on those who would tear her to shreds.
I am not alone the rhythm of a longing heart. We have something in common. We reach, but there is always distance to overcome and obstacles in the way. Let these tears, the drops of pure need rain upon the earth and flow to the heart. The heart that mine beats for. Feed it, sustain it so that when I find it, I too can have a bright sunny moment of clarity.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Just like Glass
I'll bite you hard without a thought. Just simple minded cold words that fall off this melting icicle.
Don't be under the illusion that I care because that would take effort that just isn't there. Your problems and your thoughts don't have a lot of value and I don't care to be bought with false feelings that you think you have.
One in the same, that is all people are. Just a mess of faces and constant similarity.
I am begging you. Any one. Just stand out to me. Show me something different. Give me a reason to believe in individuality instead of a constant reality of drudgery.
You think being different is easy? That all you have to do is change your clothes? Change your look? Change your actions? To what, I ask. What about each of those actions is different from anything that has come before you.
I am bleeding with boredom. I am gagging on disgust.
And the reason, That face that stares out at me. All of them.
Damn the mirror that shows me nothing new, but simply the hateful image of dying flesh and nothing unique.
Don't be under the illusion that I care because that would take effort that just isn't there. Your problems and your thoughts don't have a lot of value and I don't care to be bought with false feelings that you think you have.
One in the same, that is all people are. Just a mess of faces and constant similarity.
I am begging you. Any one. Just stand out to me. Show me something different. Give me a reason to believe in individuality instead of a constant reality of drudgery.
You think being different is easy? That all you have to do is change your clothes? Change your look? Change your actions? To what, I ask. What about each of those actions is different from anything that has come before you.
I am bleeding with boredom. I am gagging on disgust.
And the reason, That face that stares out at me. All of them.
Damn the mirror that shows me nothing new, but simply the hateful image of dying flesh and nothing unique.
Head Full of Lead
I wake up and there is no one here beside me...
There, playing in the background, the music talking about falling in love. "Take my hand" it begs.
Mine is empty, I could reach, I could fall in with you but I will withdraw. Because I don't think it is possible to love fully with the head I have. The replacement I received six months ago cancels out the heart almost every time. And I wake up from nightmares of cold eyes, violent hands, and "I can't do this anymore..."
Was it just a dream? And if so was it my nightmare, a dream, a moment in time yet to happen? All I know is my pulse rushed and everything hurt till I slept again.
Then another. Repeat of the first. My escape became a hell and now torments me silly today.
I slept but my head feels full of lead and I just want to be held and drift away where those things don't happen. But even in the darkness of night, in the comfort of sleep, whispers of a dark moment surface and steal away my breath.
The laundry needs done, a lot of reading awaits me, pages of economics, poetry, fiction, and literary journals; all of them begging for a moment of time. Then there are the shelves that need building, the workout that needs doing, the room that still needs cleaning, the internship that needs interned, the car that needs cleaned... I want it done today but there is simply no way it will be.
Ingrid Michaelson's Can't Help Falling In Love With You:
Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you
Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
So take my hand, and take my whole life too
Cause I can't help falling in love with you
Like a river flows so surely to the sea
Oh my darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
So won't you please take my hand, and take my whole life too
Cause I can't help falling in love, in love with you
Cause I can't help falling in love, falling in love,
I keep falling in love with you
There, playing in the background, the music talking about falling in love. "Take my hand" it begs.
Mine is empty, I could reach, I could fall in with you but I will withdraw. Because I don't think it is possible to love fully with the head I have. The replacement I received six months ago cancels out the heart almost every time. And I wake up from nightmares of cold eyes, violent hands, and "I can't do this anymore..."
Was it just a dream? And if so was it my nightmare, a dream, a moment in time yet to happen? All I know is my pulse rushed and everything hurt till I slept again.
Then another. Repeat of the first. My escape became a hell and now torments me silly today.
I slept but my head feels full of lead and I just want to be held and drift away where those things don't happen. But even in the darkness of night, in the comfort of sleep, whispers of a dark moment surface and steal away my breath.
The laundry needs done, a lot of reading awaits me, pages of economics, poetry, fiction, and literary journals; all of them begging for a moment of time. Then there are the shelves that need building, the workout that needs doing, the room that still needs cleaning, the internship that needs interned, the car that needs cleaned... I want it done today but there is simply no way it will be.
Ingrid Michaelson's Can't Help Falling In Love With You:
Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you
Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
So take my hand, and take my whole life too
Cause I can't help falling in love with you
Like a river flows so surely to the sea
Oh my darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
So won't you please take my hand, and take my whole life too
Cause I can't help falling in love, in love with you
Cause I can't help falling in love, falling in love,
I keep falling in love with you
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Penguin Bumps
I am not a goose but I am cold
Always a river of freezing blood
Dousing the fire in my eyes
But never what lays below clothes.
My heart is a stone wall
But the sun heats it up
It can't melt like penguin's icy homes
But it gets hot and burns through logic.
Icicles develop on my frigid mind
Toes tingle as feeling flees from the body
and puffs of white hot steam escape
My shrinking lungs
But that stone heart is hot to the touch
And it heats the blood slightly
each Rush of blue it turns red
Boiling me like the lobsters that envy the penguins freedom.
It heats and withstands
The rays from the sun
And gives hope
To those my dreams dressed in black tuxedos.
I waddle my way
Through thoughts slowly melting
Turning into puddles
Meant to be splashed away.
Always a river of freezing blood
Dousing the fire in my eyes
But never what lays below clothes.
My heart is a stone wall
But the sun heats it up
It can't melt like penguin's icy homes
But it gets hot and burns through logic.
Icicles develop on my frigid mind
Toes tingle as feeling flees from the body
and puffs of white hot steam escape
My shrinking lungs
But that stone heart is hot to the touch
And it heats the blood slightly
each Rush of blue it turns red
Boiling me like the lobsters that envy the penguins freedom.
It heats and withstands
The rays from the sun
And gives hope
To those my dreams dressed in black tuxedos.
I waddle my way
Through thoughts slowly melting
Turning into puddles
Meant to be splashed away.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Come Back To Me Now
Goodbye Florida. I won't miss you. With your roller coasters and humidity, there is nothing to truly love except the fish that swim from your sea into my tummy.
But I didn't eat much of that so it doesn't really matter a significant amount.
Back to KC then to Columiba, where people are waiting to see me and hang out. People who won't cross boundaries and upset me. People that I really care about even if there are times I get annoyed by them.
I said good bye to bad for me food today with a bang. Bigmacs are really so good. But I feel a bit sick now. Again. Oh well. Flying gives me the jitters and bigmcs make me fat. I am saying goodbye to both for awhile. Reforming my tastes and eating well while including 2 hours of working out eventually. Gotta work my way to it.
I will long for the ocean soon. There wasn't much time with it; just the one day is all we had. I didn't swim much but the waves were soothing to listen to and the sand was soft to the touch.
The Rosetta Stone is offered in a machine, like a snack machine, only this one is for your brain and costs $200.00. Expensive snack brain food.
I taste the stale taste of McDonalds in my mouth. Unappealing. Grease, salt, and fake burger patties. I am not so sad to see it go.
IF murder wasn't illegal I think I might try it. There is a feeling that I get from a certain someone that pushes my very limits of self control.
Misquitos suck. Obviously.
But I didn't eat much of that so it doesn't really matter a significant amount.
Back to KC then to Columiba, where people are waiting to see me and hang out. People who won't cross boundaries and upset me. People that I really care about even if there are times I get annoyed by them.
I said good bye to bad for me food today with a bang. Bigmacs are really so good. But I feel a bit sick now. Again. Oh well. Flying gives me the jitters and bigmcs make me fat. I am saying goodbye to both for awhile. Reforming my tastes and eating well while including 2 hours of working out eventually. Gotta work my way to it.
I will long for the ocean soon. There wasn't much time with it; just the one day is all we had. I didn't swim much but the waves were soothing to listen to and the sand was soft to the touch.
The Rosetta Stone is offered in a machine, like a snack machine, only this one is for your brain and costs $200.00. Expensive snack brain food.
I taste the stale taste of McDonalds in my mouth. Unappealing. Grease, salt, and fake burger patties. I am not so sad to see it go.
IF murder wasn't illegal I think I might try it. There is a feeling that I get from a certain someone that pushes my very limits of self control.
Misquitos suck. Obviously.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Beach Blistering Baggage
A beach is someplace to dig holes
in the mind, full of creatures below
Sifting and changing with the tides.
The sun bears down upon my brow
Flesh is tingling in the sun
Seagulls are skimming the shallows waters
For dead bodies.
Here I am for you
Fly down upon me annoying berating birds
My blistered body is the vessel
Served up on a plate of sand
Thinking while digging my own grave
deep in the sand
Salt water washes upon me
The tide pulls me out
~Tressa Canaday~
in the mind, full of creatures below
Sifting and changing with the tides.
The sun bears down upon my brow
Flesh is tingling in the sun
Seagulls are skimming the shallows waters
For dead bodies.
Here I am for you
Fly down upon me annoying berating birds
My blistered body is the vessel
Served up on a plate of sand
Thinking while digging my own grave
deep in the sand
Salt water washes upon me
The tide pulls me out
~Tressa Canaday~
Saturday, May 30, 2009
A carnal finish (part 3)
Her hand slid up and he opened his eyes. She tugged at his shirt and he pulled it off with out thinking twice. Everything he was doing was almost automatic. His body had wanted her even if his mind was saying they really shouldn't. If she was going to have this happen, he had already lost his chance to say no. Now he only wanted to get out of these clothes and give her whatever she wanted.
She grabbed his chin and told him to look at her. He saw that same terrifying lust that he felt wasn't entirely human, but then again she had always joked about her origins. He tried to smile but with more force than even before, she kissed him. Her teeth grazed over his bottom lip, biting a little too hard and he jerked. Her reaction was to simply push hard and pin him against the door again. Her nails were digging into his arms, drawing blood again.
She smelled it it on his arms, his lips, his neck. That intoxicating scent. His smell. She pulled back from him and stretched her hands over her head. He lifted her shirt up, revealing a lacy black bra and her untanned skin. Instead of going back to kissing him she reached behind and with a deft movement unhooked the bra and dropped it to the floor. "Scratchy fabric" Was the only explanation she gave before she started raining kisses and bites on his chest and arms.
The bites hurt but what she did with her tongue didn't "s-s-stopppp" He couldn't believe his mouth had just uttered that word. He had no need to worry because she only bit harder and then unzipped his jeans. She slid them down and focused on his legs. She knew it must feel better for him to get the harsh, heat trapping material off his legs and with her lips causing new sensations she could feel his body get hotter.
It was like a sauna in his house. The only thing that was relieving the unbearable heat was her mouth everywhere, and her cool hands massaging his thighs while she bite and kissed his lower legs making her way up till she was at his last piece of clothing. She slid off his boxers reveling in the sight of him fully nude and hers for the taking.
He felt her lips wrap around him and he moaned again. What he expected to be warm and wet was actually like a cool wave wrapped around him. He felt like lava was running through his veins and her sweet, cool tongue was the ultimate relief.
She didn't bite here. Here she only treated with gentle sucking and a steady rhythm that he thrust his hips eagerly to meet. She wanted to bring him close, but didn't want to finish him with her mouth. That would let out the heat that she had built up in him and then he would pass out. She she sucked gently and moved her hands across his fevered skin.
Every swirl of her tongue, every tightening of her lips as it ran down his shaft, and each moment that she sucked at the tip made him hotter and hotter. But he never wanted it to end because her mouth was all that existed in that moment.
He was feeling pleasure in every cell of his body but she felt the thirst taking over again. The nips she had made all over his body were already clotted and she needed something more quenching. She could feel his body becoming rigid and feel the blood race through his body and new he was close to orgasming. As much as she didn't want to stop and she knew he wouldn't be happy for a moment she had to drink. She slowed considerable and in a bold uncontrolled move his hand shoved her hard back down. Making her swallow him fully again. She allowed it because it was arousing to her as well, but she needed more from him.
Her mouth was gone. The unbearable heat became his only sensation. He moaned and dropped to the floor. "Water.."
She let him stay on the ground, it put him in a favorite position of hers. She hadn't worn underwear because she knew by the time she would have taken them off he would be in this state. All he felt was heat so intense he could barely keep from passing out. She lowered herself quickly.
HE felt her cool hand around him and then there was only her again. This time it wasn't her mouth but something even better. Her legs wrapped around him and she pressed her small white breasts into his chest and put her lips against his. He was wrapped up in the coolness of her skin and the tight wet that was now moving up and down as she began to ride him.
She felt him rewaken at her chilling touch and is hot arms wrap around her and pull her as close as they could get. She pushed his head sideways making his neck pop with the force, but he didn't notice. She started slowly trying to let them both savor the moment, as soon as she bit him she would loose her own control until it was done. As she bent to take that final drink...
He couldn't take the slow ride. He needed her now and he wanted nothing more than to ride her himself.
She found herself pinned against the stairs with him on top of her thrusting and grabbing her hips harder. A bold move and one that brought her to her own edge. "Paul, kiss me"
This time he did it and didn't say no. This wasn't a joke. But instead of kissing him she tilted his head and bit, hard, and reopened the first wound. She sucked and made moans of her own. Her legs went tighter around him and she matched each frenzied thrust with her own. He tasted so good, warm and edgy. He was something she had never had before. Something different. Every drop that touched her tongue made her wish it wouldn't stop, but she couldn't suck him dry if she planned on having him again. And that moment he started coming. As she tightened around him and licked the last drop from his neck, she knew she would want him again and again.
The heat left his body, but he didn't notice. He was passed out. She lay there in the awkward position on the stairs amazed with herself. No attachment, she had promised herself and yet, here she was already thinking about the next few months and what she would do.
She grabbed his chin and told him to look at her. He saw that same terrifying lust that he felt wasn't entirely human, but then again she had always joked about her origins. He tried to smile but with more force than even before, she kissed him. Her teeth grazed over his bottom lip, biting a little too hard and he jerked. Her reaction was to simply push hard and pin him against the door again. Her nails were digging into his arms, drawing blood again.
She smelled it it on his arms, his lips, his neck. That intoxicating scent. His smell. She pulled back from him and stretched her hands over her head. He lifted her shirt up, revealing a lacy black bra and her untanned skin. Instead of going back to kissing him she reached behind and with a deft movement unhooked the bra and dropped it to the floor. "Scratchy fabric" Was the only explanation she gave before she started raining kisses and bites on his chest and arms.
The bites hurt but what she did with her tongue didn't "s-s-stopppp" He couldn't believe his mouth had just uttered that word. He had no need to worry because she only bit harder and then unzipped his jeans. She slid them down and focused on his legs. She knew it must feel better for him to get the harsh, heat trapping material off his legs and with her lips causing new sensations she could feel his body get hotter.
It was like a sauna in his house. The only thing that was relieving the unbearable heat was her mouth everywhere, and her cool hands massaging his thighs while she bite and kissed his lower legs making her way up till she was at his last piece of clothing. She slid off his boxers reveling in the sight of him fully nude and hers for the taking.
He felt her lips wrap around him and he moaned again. What he expected to be warm and wet was actually like a cool wave wrapped around him. He felt like lava was running through his veins and her sweet, cool tongue was the ultimate relief.
She didn't bite here. Here she only treated with gentle sucking and a steady rhythm that he thrust his hips eagerly to meet. She wanted to bring him close, but didn't want to finish him with her mouth. That would let out the heat that she had built up in him and then he would pass out. She she sucked gently and moved her hands across his fevered skin.
Every swirl of her tongue, every tightening of her lips as it ran down his shaft, and each moment that she sucked at the tip made him hotter and hotter. But he never wanted it to end because her mouth was all that existed in that moment.
He was feeling pleasure in every cell of his body but she felt the thirst taking over again. The nips she had made all over his body were already clotted and she needed something more quenching. She could feel his body becoming rigid and feel the blood race through his body and new he was close to orgasming. As much as she didn't want to stop and she knew he wouldn't be happy for a moment she had to drink. She slowed considerable and in a bold uncontrolled move his hand shoved her hard back down. Making her swallow him fully again. She allowed it because it was arousing to her as well, but she needed more from him.
Her mouth was gone. The unbearable heat became his only sensation. He moaned and dropped to the floor. "Water.."
She let him stay on the ground, it put him in a favorite position of hers. She hadn't worn underwear because she knew by the time she would have taken them off he would be in this state. All he felt was heat so intense he could barely keep from passing out. She lowered herself quickly.
HE felt her cool hand around him and then there was only her again. This time it wasn't her mouth but something even better. Her legs wrapped around him and she pressed her small white breasts into his chest and put her lips against his. He was wrapped up in the coolness of her skin and the tight wet that was now moving up and down as she began to ride him.
She felt him rewaken at her chilling touch and is hot arms wrap around her and pull her as close as they could get. She pushed his head sideways making his neck pop with the force, but he didn't notice. She started slowly trying to let them both savor the moment, as soon as she bit him she would loose her own control until it was done. As she bent to take that final drink...
He couldn't take the slow ride. He needed her now and he wanted nothing more than to ride her himself.
She found herself pinned against the stairs with him on top of her thrusting and grabbing her hips harder. A bold move and one that brought her to her own edge. "Paul, kiss me"
This time he did it and didn't say no. This wasn't a joke. But instead of kissing him she tilted his head and bit, hard, and reopened the first wound. She sucked and made moans of her own. Her legs went tighter around him and she matched each frenzied thrust with her own. He tasted so good, warm and edgy. He was something she had never had before. Something different. Every drop that touched her tongue made her wish it wouldn't stop, but she couldn't suck him dry if she planned on having him again. And that moment he started coming. As she tightened around him and licked the last drop from his neck, she knew she would want him again and again.
The heat left his body, but he didn't notice. He was passed out. She lay there in the awkward position on the stairs amazed with herself. No attachment, she had promised herself and yet, here she was already thinking about the next few months and what she would do.
Friday, May 29, 2009
It hurt less than a lot, more than a little. (Part 2)
I gazed into those eyes. "What is going to hurt"
"Everything, and nothing" A hint of her smile. She adored that he wasn't really pinned, yet, and yet he stood there with his back against the wall staring at her like he couldn't move.
"Maybe you should leave"
"You don't want me?" She wasn't flirting. It was simply a question. To the point and blunt. He didn't answer.
She went on her tip toes to whisper in his ear, "I won't stop when I start, now is your only chance to say no" She felt him react to the whispers on his earlobe. A sensitive spot. His muscles go slightly rigid and another internal battle begins.
NOT her. Off limits. This was just supposed to be hanging out and eating mac and cheese. What was she doing. He hasn't even known she could be like this. Did she expect him to just let this happen?
"I do expect it" She kissed him hard again.
"How'd you know? What the hell are you?"
"A wild guess... Or maybe, just maybe, I can read your mind" A giggle that sounds like glass breaking. She wasn't being seductive or even charming. Everything about her attitude was cold and jagged, and somehow she seemed to want him in a way she never had. Was this some kind of dream? He felt her teeth on his neck, if it was it felt good...
She bit him. Hard. No sweet nibbling, she wanted blood. This was going in a whole different direction from what he ever imagined but he couldn't help feeling aroused as her tongue swirled across the bleeding mark.
"You taste good" And he did. Sweet, coppery, and his own smell tainted every sense she had. His hands still hung at his sides, but his eyes were closed and he wasn't stopping her. His skin was getting hot underneath her cool hands. Her ears tuned into the sound of his heart beat next to hear head. Taller men were so much more attractive then those denied the gift of height. "Try and stop me now"
He heard her from a long ways away. He was lost in some sensual stupor. He had felt her bite him and almost shoved her away, but then he felt her sucking and every vein in his body started to throb with desire and heat. HE felt the beads of sweat dripping down his back at this moment, but his arms were heavy and all he wanted was to keep feeling her lips, her tongue, her mouth kissing and sucking at every available spot. A flitting thought passed that maybe this wasn't right, but at that moment he felt her unbutton his jeans and slide a cool hand into his boxers.
"Try and stop me Paul"
His name. That was his name... some one stupid was telling him to stop her. But feeling her hand wrap around his erection made it impossible to feel or think about anything else.
His moan seeped into her pours like air fueling a fire. He wasn't even trying to stop her and that made it all the more arousing. She was so tired of being good, so tired of being a friend. After months of playful banter and looks that heated her insides she wanted to let go of self control and be what she truly was.
He was hard in her hand. Ready for anything she wanted to use him for, but both of them still had entirely too much clothing on. He would burn up with extra fabric, and while she devoured his heat it was best to be able to offer her cool body to soothe the fire that would rage inside of him. The ultimate experience for both, passion and lust, mixed with an unquenchable need to take him into her in any way she could.
"Everything, and nothing" A hint of her smile. She adored that he wasn't really pinned, yet, and yet he stood there with his back against the wall staring at her like he couldn't move.
"Maybe you should leave"
"You don't want me?" She wasn't flirting. It was simply a question. To the point and blunt. He didn't answer.
She went on her tip toes to whisper in his ear, "I won't stop when I start, now is your only chance to say no" She felt him react to the whispers on his earlobe. A sensitive spot. His muscles go slightly rigid and another internal battle begins.
NOT her. Off limits. This was just supposed to be hanging out and eating mac and cheese. What was she doing. He hasn't even known she could be like this. Did she expect him to just let this happen?
"I do expect it" She kissed him hard again.
"How'd you know? What the hell are you?"
"A wild guess... Or maybe, just maybe, I can read your mind" A giggle that sounds like glass breaking. She wasn't being seductive or even charming. Everything about her attitude was cold and jagged, and somehow she seemed to want him in a way she never had. Was this some kind of dream? He felt her teeth on his neck, if it was it felt good...
She bit him. Hard. No sweet nibbling, she wanted blood. This was going in a whole different direction from what he ever imagined but he couldn't help feeling aroused as her tongue swirled across the bleeding mark.
"You taste good" And he did. Sweet, coppery, and his own smell tainted every sense she had. His hands still hung at his sides, but his eyes were closed and he wasn't stopping her. His skin was getting hot underneath her cool hands. Her ears tuned into the sound of his heart beat next to hear head. Taller men were so much more attractive then those denied the gift of height. "Try and stop me now"
He heard her from a long ways away. He was lost in some sensual stupor. He had felt her bite him and almost shoved her away, but then he felt her sucking and every vein in his body started to throb with desire and heat. HE felt the beads of sweat dripping down his back at this moment, but his arms were heavy and all he wanted was to keep feeling her lips, her tongue, her mouth kissing and sucking at every available spot. A flitting thought passed that maybe this wasn't right, but at that moment he felt her unbutton his jeans and slide a cool hand into his boxers.
"Try and stop me Paul"
His name. That was his name... some one stupid was telling him to stop her. But feeling her hand wrap around his erection made it impossible to feel or think about anything else.
His moan seeped into her pours like air fueling a fire. He wasn't even trying to stop her and that made it all the more arousing. She was so tired of being good, so tired of being a friend. After months of playful banter and looks that heated her insides she wanted to let go of self control and be what she truly was.
He was hard in her hand. Ready for anything she wanted to use him for, but both of them still had entirely too much clothing on. He would burn up with extra fabric, and while she devoured his heat it was best to be able to offer her cool body to soothe the fire that would rage inside of him. The ultimate experience for both, passion and lust, mixed with an unquenchable need to take him into her in any way she could.
Tasting You (part 1)
She knocks on his door, timidly. "Come in" She waits.
"Come In!" She is patient, then he opens the door. "I told you to come in".
"Walking into houses isn't something I do. The door has to be opened".
"A little snobby don't you think?"
A grin graces her lips. She has had her back to him while the conversation happened. He has been taking in the sight of her shoulders covered in smooth white fabric of a plain long sleeved shirt. Underneath is a black bra, unusual for her to be dressed in something that actually reveals underneath her shirt. Her skirt is is knee length and simple brown. Her favorite. Strawberry blond hair is free falling, she prefers to have it so. Pony tails and buns give her headaches.
She is aware he is looking. She can almost feel his eyes carefully skimming her body and her skin gets goose bumps. "Kiss me please"
He laughs. "No" He moves away from the door and moves to walk around her but she turns and shoves hard. The only reason he falls back is because she caught him off guard. "What the..."
She has him pushed against the door. Her smile is gone. "I said please"
"You are joking"
She lets go of her grip on his arms, which if he wanted he would have easily broken out of, but he was still reeling from the surprise. Her hands touch his face, they are cold like usual, and then her lips are on his. She isn't kissing gently. She is forcing herself on him. Her lips are demanding that he reciprocate the action.
He pushes her back, gently. Not wanting to seriously upset her quietly asking, "What the hell...?"
She shrugs and instead of answering or even acting embarrassed she leans in again. This time she kisses his cheek, softer than she did his mouth then pulls back.
"I...I-I think I'm confused"
Another shrug and her hands press him back against the door. No shoving but she isn't being gentle either. He doesn't resist. He is flat against the door looking into gray eyes that look totally demon like. The innocence is gone, and instead there is a fiery, passionate, lusting girl who looks like she is going to eat him alive.
"Hey, stop with.."
Her mouth is on his again, her tongue gently running across the part in his lips. He reacts automatically and lets her in. His eyes close, but his mind doesn't shut off. What the hell is she doing. A different voice now comes in, who cares. Let it happen. NO! This isn't like her... Is it?
Her cool hands slide under his shirt. They move across his skin, freezing and melting everything they touch. His chest, right above his heart is where one hand settles. She pulls back.
"This is going to hurt, but only for a moment." She looks at him seriously. Everything about her is muted and cool, except her eyes and the way she is kissing him.
"Come In!" She is patient, then he opens the door. "I told you to come in".
"Walking into houses isn't something I do. The door has to be opened".
"A little snobby don't you think?"
A grin graces her lips. She has had her back to him while the conversation happened. He has been taking in the sight of her shoulders covered in smooth white fabric of a plain long sleeved shirt. Underneath is a black bra, unusual for her to be dressed in something that actually reveals underneath her shirt. Her skirt is is knee length and simple brown. Her favorite. Strawberry blond hair is free falling, she prefers to have it so. Pony tails and buns give her headaches.
She is aware he is looking. She can almost feel his eyes carefully skimming her body and her skin gets goose bumps. "Kiss me please"
He laughs. "No" He moves away from the door and moves to walk around her but she turns and shoves hard. The only reason he falls back is because she caught him off guard. "What the..."
She has him pushed against the door. Her smile is gone. "I said please"
"You are joking"
She lets go of her grip on his arms, which if he wanted he would have easily broken out of, but he was still reeling from the surprise. Her hands touch his face, they are cold like usual, and then her lips are on his. She isn't kissing gently. She is forcing herself on him. Her lips are demanding that he reciprocate the action.
He pushes her back, gently. Not wanting to seriously upset her quietly asking, "What the hell...?"
She shrugs and instead of answering or even acting embarrassed she leans in again. This time she kisses his cheek, softer than she did his mouth then pulls back.
"I...I-I think I'm confused"
Another shrug and her hands press him back against the door. No shoving but she isn't being gentle either. He doesn't resist. He is flat against the door looking into gray eyes that look totally demon like. The innocence is gone, and instead there is a fiery, passionate, lusting girl who looks like she is going to eat him alive.
"Hey, stop with.."
Her mouth is on his again, her tongue gently running across the part in his lips. He reacts automatically and lets her in. His eyes close, but his mind doesn't shut off. What the hell is she doing. A different voice now comes in, who cares. Let it happen. NO! This isn't like her... Is it?
Her cool hands slide under his shirt. They move across his skin, freezing and melting everything they touch. His chest, right above his heart is where one hand settles. She pulls back.
"This is going to hurt, but only for a moment." She looks at him seriously. Everything about her is muted and cool, except her eyes and the way she is kissing him.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Pop goes my anger
I HATE HATE HATE cell phones. I hate being attached to something waiting and waiting and never getting a fucking answer. I can't stand when it doesn't work. Even after taking it to get worked on. I miss my old phone.
I hate being around my grandmother and her trying to kill me in the car. She is a terrible driver. Some day I will die in the car and she will be the reason. Stupid bitch. And she is always nosy. Always touching me. Always bossing me around.
My cat is meowing.
I hate when i get pushed to the side. I hate when I want to be alone and there is always someone wanting something done. Why can't I get a minute to think?
I hate traffic. And my cat getting on my shelf and knocking stuff off. Why can't my life and my stuff just go untouched by others controlling, greedy, oily hands. And filthy words of gossip and advice. Its always oozing into every pour of my body. Suffocating me. Choking me. I want to get away from this place. Now.
I hate being around my grandmother and her trying to kill me in the car. She is a terrible driver. Some day I will die in the car and she will be the reason. Stupid bitch. And she is always nosy. Always touching me. Always bossing me around.
My cat is meowing.
I hate when i get pushed to the side. I hate when I want to be alone and there is always someone wanting something done. Why can't I get a minute to think?
I hate traffic. And my cat getting on my shelf and knocking stuff off. Why can't my life and my stuff just go untouched by others controlling, greedy, oily hands. And filthy words of gossip and advice. Its always oozing into every pour of my body. Suffocating me. Choking me. I want to get away from this place. Now.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
My brain chews
Angry. Lost feeling. Empty and sincerely unsure of what is happening to my heart.
I hate when my phone doesn't work. Stupid puddles and the power to fuck up my keyboard.
Anger is always bubbling below my skin. I used to be a cool ocean wave. Relaxed, happy, gentle. Now I feel explosive and heated. I feel passionate and lost in moments with lust, then annoyance, followed by self loathing.
Checklists help a day go by quicker. Check, check, CHECK!
My list isn't even near complete. How frustrating. There it is... frustrated.
Lost poetry is always and interesting read. Especially when you realize that it still applies. A lesson between the lines perhaps? I think so. Something I learned before and now I am forcing myself into it again. Because a cycle is how humans work. Soon I will get out of mine and live in a square. Asquare. Some one made that word for me. I like it.
I realized while reading that sometimes I write things that aren't even mine. I watch people on tv or just people in every day public then I write about the emotion I see crossing Their faces or in their words. Not mine at all. I steal it. That is why they come and go. I fill my self and portfolio up with other people's hearts since I seem to be lacking one.
The heart doesn't really feel. It feels pain if you have a heart attack and the like, but not that real emotional pain we attribute to it. I think... Sometimes when someone is leaving me I can feel my chest ache. What is that? Does that mean the heart is the center of emotion? Or is it just your brain torturing me, you?
I want to feel like I have accomplished more, so I have to do more. Write, read, go to the bank. So trivial, and yet it gives me the time I need to think and digest.
I hate when my phone doesn't work. Stupid puddles and the power to fuck up my keyboard.
Anger is always bubbling below my skin. I used to be a cool ocean wave. Relaxed, happy, gentle. Now I feel explosive and heated. I feel passionate and lost in moments with lust, then annoyance, followed by self loathing.
Checklists help a day go by quicker. Check, check, CHECK!
My list isn't even near complete. How frustrating. There it is... frustrated.
Lost poetry is always and interesting read. Especially when you realize that it still applies. A lesson between the lines perhaps? I think so. Something I learned before and now I am forcing myself into it again. Because a cycle is how humans work. Soon I will get out of mine and live in a square. Asquare. Some one made that word for me. I like it.
I realized while reading that sometimes I write things that aren't even mine. I watch people on tv or just people in every day public then I write about the emotion I see crossing Their faces or in their words. Not mine at all. I steal it. That is why they come and go. I fill my self and portfolio up with other people's hearts since I seem to be lacking one.
The heart doesn't really feel. It feels pain if you have a heart attack and the like, but not that real emotional pain we attribute to it. I think... Sometimes when someone is leaving me I can feel my chest ache. What is that? Does that mean the heart is the center of emotion? Or is it just your brain torturing me, you?
I want to feel like I have accomplished more, so I have to do more. Write, read, go to the bank. So trivial, and yet it gives me the time I need to think and digest.
Let me stutter over the word Love.
Lets say... Just for a moment, that this isn't as hard as it is.
There the moment is past. Now back to the present.
I feel torn. Not that you care, but its true. Never have i been so out of sync with myself. Fun, easy going, silly, lovey me and Chill, party, school, adventure, change, pessimistic me are at a battle that would blow WW2 out of the park. Actually, I am not so self centered as to believe my own issues compare to that of the world's but it was a visual.
"Live in the moment. Focus on the positives. It may be good for us to just do some things on our own". Okay then. But when? What if I get sick of trying so hard all the time? I can't picture myself with out you, but I can't with you anymore either. And what about the ocean and all that jazz? The fishes... Halibut is my favorite but I enjoy crab, lobster, swordfish...
What has happened to my heart? There is a change. I understand life is full of lessons, so what is this one... Do i stay with what is familiar, or is this the time to grow and expand and focus on me without feeling so wrapped up in panic about something I feel could fall to pieces any moment?
But why do I feel crushed at the thought of not having you to talk to, do crafts with, be that side of me no one else gets? Never have I been so intimate and I don't want that with anyone else.
Love isn't something that I feel I always want. Or if it is, it is story book love. That love where he looks at me and smiles because he is so happy I am there. The love where I can't wait to cook dinner for him and then afterwards roll around in our bed laughing and being in love. I don't want what fades, I want what lasts. And sometimes I think I have it... other times I feel like I am pushing away from it because I know there are things that won't ever be given to me.
I cry when I see people get proposed to... Today at the baseball game... Because I want someone to love me that much. But I don't think that is there for me. And its sad, and I get it. Because I love freedom and movement and change.
But the other side wants to be tied down and loved so much that he would fight to the death just for me.
What is more important? How do I clear my head and listen to my heart? What if I am sick of what my heart has to say because it is so unrealistic?
There the moment is past. Now back to the present.
I feel torn. Not that you care, but its true. Never have i been so out of sync with myself. Fun, easy going, silly, lovey me and Chill, party, school, adventure, change, pessimistic me are at a battle that would blow WW2 out of the park. Actually, I am not so self centered as to believe my own issues compare to that of the world's but it was a visual.
"Live in the moment. Focus on the positives. It may be good for us to just do some things on our own". Okay then. But when? What if I get sick of trying so hard all the time? I can't picture myself with out you, but I can't with you anymore either. And what about the ocean and all that jazz? The fishes... Halibut is my favorite but I enjoy crab, lobster, swordfish...
What has happened to my heart? There is a change. I understand life is full of lessons, so what is this one... Do i stay with what is familiar, or is this the time to grow and expand and focus on me without feeling so wrapped up in panic about something I feel could fall to pieces any moment?
But why do I feel crushed at the thought of not having you to talk to, do crafts with, be that side of me no one else gets? Never have I been so intimate and I don't want that with anyone else.
Love isn't something that I feel I always want. Or if it is, it is story book love. That love where he looks at me and smiles because he is so happy I am there. The love where I can't wait to cook dinner for him and then afterwards roll around in our bed laughing and being in love. I don't want what fades, I want what lasts. And sometimes I think I have it... other times I feel like I am pushing away from it because I know there are things that won't ever be given to me.
I cry when I see people get proposed to... Today at the baseball game... Because I want someone to love me that much. But I don't think that is there for me. And its sad, and I get it. Because I love freedom and movement and change.
But the other side wants to be tied down and loved so much that he would fight to the death just for me.
What is more important? How do I clear my head and listen to my heart? What if I am sick of what my heart has to say because it is so unrealistic?
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Spilling my guts
I dropped a dumb bell on my head. And now my guts won't stop falling out.
Something got shaken loose when that weight knocked me so sweetly, as if to say, "You don't deserve to be awake any longer". Maybe I am still passed out in the gym and people are around me... probing and calling my name. Or maybe I am in the hospital hooked to tubes and IVs.
In this dream, I am miserable. I keep saying what I shouldn't. No one wants to hear that, not even a wonderful dream person. It isn't interesting. Nothing you have to say is interesting sweetheart. The already have told you that in the real world.
"Nothing is ever good or worthy. Nothing you do is better than the gum stuck to a shoe. Hahaha. Lets laugh at the girl whose own thoughts would disown her. Poke her with a stick, only after we light it on fire. Lets make her burn. "
My hate burns inside my flesh. The anger joins it and its like putting a barrel of gunpowder into a fireplace. A fire place without a key that rages without anyone to put it out. Those that could, aren't around to do so. So it is a spectacle to be watched.
"Torture her. Thats it! Make her regret! Let everyone watch and throw stones and crush her!!!"
The weight of those stares, those people listening to me scream. Watching me tearing at my flesh and peel it off. No one will help. They haven't before. only him and oh look. He isn't here! Its fine though, my heart is cracked and shattering into tiny pieces every bit more tiny than the last. Making it impossible to even be alive or much longer.
"Make her want to die. Make those tears drown her. Make her pay for continuing to hope. "
I'll make a spectacle, then crawl away. Into a hole far far away. In Greece, and the old buildings there can have my soul. i leave it there. I will it there. If I was to go anywhere else, I'd haunt the world till I was at peace. I deserve peace when I die. That is really all I want.
Something got shaken loose when that weight knocked me so sweetly, as if to say, "You don't deserve to be awake any longer". Maybe I am still passed out in the gym and people are around me... probing and calling my name. Or maybe I am in the hospital hooked to tubes and IVs.
In this dream, I am miserable. I keep saying what I shouldn't. No one wants to hear that, not even a wonderful dream person. It isn't interesting. Nothing you have to say is interesting sweetheart. The already have told you that in the real world.
"Nothing is ever good or worthy. Nothing you do is better than the gum stuck to a shoe. Hahaha. Lets laugh at the girl whose own thoughts would disown her. Poke her with a stick, only after we light it on fire. Lets make her burn. "
My hate burns inside my flesh. The anger joins it and its like putting a barrel of gunpowder into a fireplace. A fire place without a key that rages without anyone to put it out. Those that could, aren't around to do so. So it is a spectacle to be watched.
"Torture her. Thats it! Make her regret! Let everyone watch and throw stones and crush her!!!"
The weight of those stares, those people listening to me scream. Watching me tearing at my flesh and peel it off. No one will help. They haven't before. only him and oh look. He isn't here! Its fine though, my heart is cracked and shattering into tiny pieces every bit more tiny than the last. Making it impossible to even be alive or much longer.
"Make her want to die. Make those tears drown her. Make her pay for continuing to hope. "
I'll make a spectacle, then crawl away. Into a hole far far away. In Greece, and the old buildings there can have my soul. i leave it there. I will it there. If I was to go anywhere else, I'd haunt the world till I was at peace. I deserve peace when I die. That is really all I want.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Trace the moment for Forever
She breaths in deeply and takes the plunge.
The air is cold and wraps around her like a suffocating blanket, but she refuses to choke in this moment.
The stars glitter, the world revolves, and her hair whips around her face.
Each moment the concrete gets closer, and each moment she cares less.
Does her life flash before her eyes?
~ Sucking on a pacifier with water on it. Because she wouldn't have it other wise. BBQ burgers on a grill and beer in the fridge for the days when her father stayed home. Icing on cookies so thick that sugar coma was induced upon one bite. Screaming, blood, and calling the police after her parents fought. Her father's sad, apologetic eyes and promising he would never do this again. Walking out, turning her back on those who called her family...forever. Falling in love. Falling out. The time she thought she would hang herself, but didn't want her eyes to pop out. Losing her virginity to someone who didn't care. Going to college, graduating without Anyone who matters being there... They all died, and so was she~
There wasn't much of a life to flash.
The air is cold and wraps around her like a suffocating blanket, but she refuses to choke in this moment.
The stars glitter, the world revolves, and her hair whips around her face.
Each moment the concrete gets closer, and each moment she cares less.
Does her life flash before her eyes?
~ Sucking on a pacifier with water on it. Because she wouldn't have it other wise. BBQ burgers on a grill and beer in the fridge for the days when her father stayed home. Icing on cookies so thick that sugar coma was induced upon one bite. Screaming, blood, and calling the police after her parents fought. Her father's sad, apologetic eyes and promising he would never do this again. Walking out, turning her back on those who called her family...forever. Falling in love. Falling out. The time she thought she would hang herself, but didn't want her eyes to pop out. Losing her virginity to someone who didn't care. Going to college, graduating without Anyone who matters being there... They all died, and so was she~
There wasn't much of a life to flash.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
The Horror
Everything in this body is on fire. I am aglow like millions of fireflies.
Passion and desire. Hate and longing. It mingles into a strong potion.
Begging to be drank. Begging to be ingested and mingle with this dying soul.
Don't let the dank smell suffocate you with its pungent aroma.
Let the mists wash upon you and blow you away.
Don't think just eat with a fierce hunger.
To complete your hole, that torn open chamber where once a heart used to fill you.
Bleed on my lips so I can feel the way you feel.
Cannablism never looked so tasty until I saw your shining flesh.
Passion and desire. Hate and longing. It mingles into a strong potion.
Begging to be drank. Begging to be ingested and mingle with this dying soul.
Don't let the dank smell suffocate you with its pungent aroma.
Let the mists wash upon you and blow you away.
Don't think just eat with a fierce hunger.
To complete your hole, that torn open chamber where once a heart used to fill you.
Bleed on my lips so I can feel the way you feel.
Cannablism never looked so tasty until I saw your shining flesh.
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