Burden on my mind

I don't want to torment myself. It shouldn't even be torment but it is when I look. Your face and everypart of you that i thought i knew but never really did.
You shattered a part of me. But you didn't break me. Which is good... but you broke a part. You really did. I don't know if you know how much you stole and home much I willingly gave your greedy undeserving self.
I shouldn't be mad at you. Part of me knew you weren't worth it. Lie after lie one meaningless promise after another all broken. You always wanting and somehow I just never could deliver.

I have someone so much better to me than you ever were. So why do I sit and look at pictures of you and feel a sick twisted feeling? How is it that you can be in this world and still cause me grief. What part of you haven't I let go? I don't understand one bit.
Or do i? Does it have to deal with the sex? I don't know that it really does because it was horrible and uncomforatble. Is it maybe more the idea that i gave in and knew I shouldn't and then started on a self destructive path after you?
I did not let go of you fast. I moved on but didn't let go. I tried. But always part of me has missed something in you and I have no clue why.

This is torture and yet it is self induced sometimes. I don't hate you as much as i want to. I don't love you anymore thank god. But you do exist and it is pure torture knowing you go about in the world with not a care in the world. That a life you planned with me you are leading with someone else. That you are so devoted and though i have someone for me... he is never mine completely. He is always fleeting in someone and there is always this idea that we may not last. Yes that you ruined for me. There is something i could hate you for... but it was a lesson well learned.

Something changed in me after you. I changed a great deal. I wish I would change to the point in not remembering you. I don't love you... i don't hate you... You exist and for some reason that is a thorn in my side.