Burden on my mind

I don't want to torment myself. It shouldn't even be torment but it is when I look. Your face and everypart of you that i thought i knew but never really did.
You shattered a part of me. But you didn't break me. Which is good... but you broke a part. You really did. I don't know if you know how much you stole and home much I willingly gave your greedy undeserving self.
I shouldn't be mad at you. Part of me knew you weren't worth it. Lie after lie one meaningless promise after another all broken. You always wanting and somehow I just never could deliver.

I have someone so much better to me than you ever were. So why do I sit and look at pictures of you and feel a sick twisted feeling? How is it that you can be in this world and still cause me grief. What part of you haven't I let go? I don't understand one bit.
Or do i? Does it have to deal with the sex? I don't know that it really does because it was horrible and uncomforatble. Is it maybe more the idea that i gave in and knew I shouldn't and then started on a self destructive path after you?
I did not let go of you fast. I moved on but didn't let go. I tried. But always part of me has missed something in you and I have no clue why.

This is torture and yet it is self induced sometimes. I don't hate you as much as i want to. I don't love you anymore thank god. But you do exist and it is pure torture knowing you go about in the world with not a care in the world. That a life you planned with me you are leading with someone else. That you are so devoted and though i have someone for me... he is never mine completely. He is always fleeting in someone and there is always this idea that we may not last. Yes that you ruined for me. There is something i could hate you for... but it was a lesson well learned.

Something changed in me after you. I changed a great deal. I wish I would change to the point in not remembering you. I don't love you... i don't hate you... You exist and for some reason that is a thorn in my side.

Whispering in the wind

I just feel like typing right now.
I just had dinner with two friends who I miss sometimes very much. But then we talk about once a week and that is good. I can't keep up with the drama of their lives but I do enjoy talking to them and I miss them for who they are.

Things in life seem to be flowing with ease. So of course I have the feeling that something bad is going to happen. It is a shitty way to think honestly and I wonder how to de-program myself from it.

Mainly I am thinking a lot about bennie. I have felt really insecure because of my body and what not. But I am working on changing that. I don't know. I have all these insecurities but I don't know why they seem to be attacking at such full force this week. I should really be great because I am so freaking in love and I have somebody that treats me like a total princess. I am lucky. I just wish we had more time together. I really shouldn't keep feeling doomed with him.

Why is it that girls seem to take things for granted? If something is going so well it is like they bicker just for the sake of bickering. That way it is still flawed and the perfection is unatainable and therefore they are less likely to get let down. Stupid brain.