Love stories

Why is it that people in books and on the big screen can love each other so so much? How is it they can some how come out of the hardships and love each other more than ever?
How is it that they believe so completely in what they have??

I wish some one would give me the answer. I wish I could find that kind of love.
I thought I had it... I really think I did for awhile. But now it seems to have diminished.
Why is that? Why do we stop trying or doing?

And today I won't have to face it again

One day down... I don't know how many more to go.
I got new pjs and I had gotten them because I thought not only would they be crazy comfy but you would love them. And youwould. I have them on now. And you'd totally be into them. :)

It wasn't an easy day. I kept thinking...maybe you will call. Just maybe. But you didn't and as much as it sucked I was still okay. And i am still somehow going.
I thought back to freshman year. I have been thinking alot about you and me and what we have been through. We have done this one other time... Only it didn't feel so serious and it didn't feel like I actually would lose you forever. I mean i remember being terrified that i would lose you but it wasn't as intense because I mean we were only 6 months in. But now... Oh now honey. I feel like I can see these distant dreams... these thoughts of a future floating closer and closer. You are part of them. I know that is scary but you are and I would beg you on my knees to please not run from me.

You are having a hard time. You need time to figure yourself out... but don't you think that you might want me there? Don't you think know that I would do anything for you? I am not saying that you can just walk all over me or that I can't live with out you. I am saying that I want you and to some extent do need you in my life. You are my best friend and I love you. I know lives can go on without one another... but I don't want it to. And I don't think that it is right. I truly just don't think that it is right to be without you in my world. I am a good girlfriend and I am not saying I am the best ever but for you... i would go to the ends of the earth to try and obtain "best" status.

I am giving you time. And At first I could only think that you wouldn't come back to me... but babe. We love each other. I know it. And I will stand back and let you control your life but I do want to be a part of it. I don't know what else you could want...

A little time...

So he tells me now that he needs time to figure out if he wants the same things as I do.
He needs time to find himself and what he needs for his future and he asks that I please wait... so he can pick me or he can't. He is trying to be nice I know he loves me but why am I being put through this?

I love this boy with all my stupid heart. And now after almost three years he is telling me that he doesn't know if he can do this or if he wants the same thing as me anymore. I am a good girlfriend and I want to take care of him and be what he needs. I also want a boy who will love me as much as i love him. I wish that it didn't feel like my heart was throbbing in tiny places all over my chest. i don't know how I can be whole when i feel like a half of me is being torn away.

Crash and Burn in a flaming bloom

I had a dream about him last night.
It was a blur. There was an apartment... and I walked by another house in my neighborhood... and there was A.J and I called out to him. (he isn't the ex). He was my friend once upon a time, and then he stood me up after I led him on and we ceased to exist anymore.
He was there. And he turned and was like... hey whats up? What are you doing with yourself. I told him I lived really close and I was astounded that he was there. There was another guy in the room... brian. Again not my ex but a close friend of his. I invited them over... it was somewhat of a blur.
We ended up in my apartment. They walked around... it was a studio and blue. A light blue and the couch was dark gray and there was a lot of yellow too. Any way. We walked around. I laughed with them and asked where they had been. Brian kept looking at me in a weird way. Neither of them looked different and for some reason I started feeling panic. Thats when there was a knock. (how cliche i know). And Aj and Brian looked weird again, I asked if they knew who it was. Then it was like slow motion. I reached for the handle as I asked. They both just stared at the door. IT opened. And there he was... my ex. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. He stood there with this smile on his face that broke my heart into the tiny pieces that it had been after him. I felt sick, excited, scared, all at once.
"Can I come in" Thats all he said. Things started to move in regular motion. He said hi to the other guys while I stood their in shock. I started feeling repulsed because the room started filling with a haze, like smoke, and i smelled pot. They were laughing and looking around. I pulled the attention back to me. They all looked at me, Joel smiling still. "Hey guys can you give us a minute?" Aj and brian nodded and walked out.
Then he was standing there holding out his arms like I should hug him or something. "Why are you here?"
"Brian text me. I can't believe you live so close"
"You shouldn't be here. You should be at home with courtney."
"But I am not. Things aren't good"
"So you shouldn't be here"
"You miss me"
"Joel I couldn't miss you less. I have someone who finally healed those wounds"
He smiled again, and literally it was like a light turned on in the room. "Bennie?"
(the dream was vivid. i still feel like it is happening and thats why I can remember this so well).
"Yeah bennie. I am in love with him. We are moving in together?"
He walked towards me laughing in a condesending way.
"I missed you. I have for a long time."
"I don't care" I started crying. And he touched my arm. It felt like fire had licked my flesh and i cried out. But he grabbed me before I could yank away.
"You missed me."
"I stopped that a long time ago."
"You missed me goddamnit."
"I stopped..
"You never stopped. You never will." He touched my chest and the fire licked again and my heart felt like it was on fire.
"Stop" I managaed to choke out.
He smiled again. Then wrapped me in a huge hug. It was warm and comfortalbe, Not like the burning touches... But I felt like I was being drowned in the smell of pot. All I could see was bennie's face. "Let me go joel. Let me go" I yanked and tugged.
He just held on. No matter what i did he wouldn't let go.
"I didn't miss. I don't miss. I hate you" i screamed and went limp. That was it. he pushed me back but still held on, then smacked me, hard and i tasted blood.
"Fine. Lie to yourself. But i broke you, and I will remind you of it now... He reached out again and clutched my throat. "Remember how it felt, when I lied to you over and over again... when I cheated on you with other girls?" Remember how you suffocated in pain...
I couldn't breath. He was smiling. I was dying.

Free Words: For sale?

I suck at economics. I understand it in my head but for some reason something doesn't connect with my fingers and into the quiz formats. IT is hard to stay awake while listening let alone reading it... Lord Help me.

Other than that school seems to be going well. I am enjoying myself for the most part. But I am going to start to have to knuckly down.

So why did I Start writing this? What is the point to this particular expelling of words? Simply that I felt like writing. I haven't been writing as much as I want. I always am like that though. But for the moment I was feeling inspired and a moment of pretty pure pleasure made me feel that tingling in my finger tips that aches to write. And not the type of writing that I should be doing like... oh lets say... Micro econ? No the type that makes those who read this wonder what am I doing with my day?

It feels like fall today. Chilly and bright. I keep thinking about marriage. The thought of what I wanted my wedding to look like cradled my head in a fog of unsurpassed dreamy sleep. I know that if I do get lucky enough to have a wedding then I want it to be in the fall. I just really really do. And then to spend my honey moon in either italy or greece. I wouldn't mind being married in the spring either, but fall just thrills me to no end. And I would love it if my wedding colors were burnt orange and a gorgeous wine red color. I am dreaming...

So why is econ in the dream? It must be a nightmare. *screams* Oh well. Daydreams make the day go faster.

Bennie has a birthday this weekend. 20 years old. Finally. I am doing it with a batman theme and i am so excited for him to get here on friday. We didn't see eachother this past weekend... which had me thinking about Hawaii.

In Hawaii I had a man read my palm. He was old and tan and wrinkly. I sat down on the side of the street on a pretty dirty green and orange pillow and gave him three dollars. He looked at me and smiled. So He took my hands and looked at them both. He traced them and then proceeded to tell me that I had been struggling with sickness since I was young but when I hit the age of 20 I would become much healthier. He told me I am a dreamer and if i chase those dreams I could change the world in unexpected ways. "You are artistic in a way, your mind paints pictures your hands paint healing". That was my favorite thing he told me. It thrilled me. Concentrate more and like anyone else you could be happier than you think. Your life has been hard but you will change it. I asked him of course about love and he frowned. You crave it but you are best when you are left to be independent. That is when you thrive, but you will be fine either way. Love is not as important as being free to you.

I gave him five more dollars and walked away. I have always thought that I needed love, which I do in certain ways. But when left alone I always remember what that man said because i love being by myself or just simply left to do my own thing. It is really fun and productive for me. But it doesn't mean I don't want bennie, just maybe I don't always need him like i thought.

I am sleepy. Econ is so boring. I wish that my brain could drag down the beautiful clouds it is playing in...

Lost in the Moment

School starts in a week from two days ago. Can I believe that my JUNIOR year is about to start?
High school never went this fast... or did it? Things blur in the mind about those years. Not because of drugs, just moments that I didn't enjoy because the bright colors were dotted with gray and black smears of depression.
Now I am waiting on an internship and to hear back from other possible employers. I have already been hired but I would really rather find a job with something else. Telemarketing people get abused all the time, and though I am sure I could take it, I don't think I want to.

I live in a new place with two girls. I like it a lot, well the place that is. One girl and I are a lot alike and the other... well ya know the sayings and what not.

Right now my stomach is dying for some food. I should give in but starving only makes me shake. Eating is a way of life and I don't like it. But i am not doing the starving thing for real. I will eat breakfast soon. And I am working on losing weight the RIGHT way. 5 lbs a month. Woot..

I wish that I was married. And had a job. And just different things.

Don't know what I did

It is summer now. So weird that school is over for a few months. I was happy for the warmer days and the feelings that I associate with summer. I mean I am going to Greece for goodness sake!!
But i am a lil nervous. I get homesick really bad after a couple of weeks in a different country. And I am leaving my cat and bennie behind. I am starting to get the feeling bennie doesn't give a shit but whatever i suppose.
I thought I was in the mood to write... I don't know now. I just want to go to sleep and not feel for awhile. I hate being home. I can't wait to finally move out on my own. Its like I am caged here...

Burden on my mind

I don't want to torment myself. It shouldn't even be torment but it is when I look. Your face and everypart of you that i thought i knew but never really did.
You shattered a part of me. But you didn't break me. Which is good... but you broke a part. You really did. I don't know if you know how much you stole and home much I willingly gave your greedy undeserving self.
I shouldn't be mad at you. Part of me knew you weren't worth it. Lie after lie one meaningless promise after another all broken. You always wanting and somehow I just never could deliver.

I have someone so much better to me than you ever were. So why do I sit and look at pictures of you and feel a sick twisted feeling? How is it that you can be in this world and still cause me grief. What part of you haven't I let go? I don't understand one bit.
Or do i? Does it have to deal with the sex? I don't know that it really does because it was horrible and uncomforatble. Is it maybe more the idea that i gave in and knew I shouldn't and then started on a self destructive path after you?
I did not let go of you fast. I moved on but didn't let go. I tried. But always part of me has missed something in you and I have no clue why.

This is torture and yet it is self induced sometimes. I don't hate you as much as i want to. I don't love you anymore thank god. But you do exist and it is pure torture knowing you go about in the world with not a care in the world. That a life you planned with me you are leading with someone else. That you are so devoted and though i have someone for me... he is never mine completely. He is always fleeting in someone and there is always this idea that we may not last. Yes that you ruined for me. There is something i could hate you for... but it was a lesson well learned.

Something changed in me after you. I changed a great deal. I wish I would change to the point in not remembering you. I don't love you... i don't hate you... You exist and for some reason that is a thorn in my side.

Whispering in the wind

I just feel like typing right now.
I just had dinner with two friends who I miss sometimes very much. But then we talk about once a week and that is good. I can't keep up with the drama of their lives but I do enjoy talking to them and I miss them for who they are.

Things in life seem to be flowing with ease. So of course I have the feeling that something bad is going to happen. It is a shitty way to think honestly and I wonder how to de-program myself from it.

Mainly I am thinking a lot about bennie. I have felt really insecure because of my body and what not. But I am working on changing that. I don't know. I have all these insecurities but I don't know why they seem to be attacking at such full force this week. I should really be great because I am so freaking in love and I have somebody that treats me like a total princess. I am lucky. I just wish we had more time together. I really shouldn't keep feeling doomed with him.

Why is it that girls seem to take things for granted? If something is going so well it is like they bicker just for the sake of bickering. That way it is still flawed and the perfection is unatainable and therefore they are less likely to get let down. Stupid brain.

So gently...

Twisting in the darkness. Her white flesh crawls and scatters into particals that you can't fathom.
Her eyes that couldn't see even if they tried now were a light with something more than pain.
Long black hair hung from her head and she reaches to her side where the belt of metal used to hold her.
Freedom finally from this place.
HEart twisted black and dark. But that light that somehow freed her burns just as brightly as that blackness.

Dust covered

Did you hear? That girl who feel right down deep?
Yea...she fell so fast and so hard that some are talking.
Trash and dirty words. Whispers behind those dust covered hands.
Wow look at here. Just sitting there like she can. In the midst of all that dirt. But she fell.
Down down down. There she sits at the bottom of the well...the abyss and yet she seems to shine.
They can't tell because they are wrapped in that shroud of distinct clouds. The ones that cause tornadoes in the air. She can't catch that wind now because her wings were traded in.
Now at the bottom she holds her hand out to the light. Touching it gently.
Hee hee... she giggles softly and to herself. They just look at her. On the sidewalk she carries her bag and walks in her own land. The dark swirls around her part and caress where she touches.
Those dust covered people laugh at her because there she is so simple minded and given in.
Yet she shines the brightest of them all and the only one to really fall.
If you touch her chest there you will feel the burn of scorn and distaste. But if you look into her eyes there you will see the simple light that stretches through that abyss.
Yes she fell into greatness. She fell because she wasn't afraid to be simple. To jump and let the darkness caress her and then overcome it.
Thats right that vacant smile means she is somewhere brighter from the dust colored hands.

write your heart out

Blue oceans and fiery red sun sets.
Deep breath of salty tinge.
Sand hot and burning in a tingling manner.
Let the skin be caressed by that gentle swell
The moon arises in glorious wonder
Again waves crash and she walks
The sand now cooled with memories of the days past.
Her dress twists around her
Faint humming from her lips
A dream come true as she looks around...
Her heart in bliss.