Sex in the City

The only reason the title is what it is ... I am watching the show. I really like it. Especially the latest ones... not so much the early ones. One of the characters.. Big. I just totally adore his character. Anywho...

This weekend was more than difficult. And now... I just got a punch to the gut. Single...drinking... what next? I don't know that I can take much more of it. No cheating though. He would never. He just had a some thoughts and was open and shared... Now I am waiting to find out about drinking. HE said know of course. He doesn't do that... Something I love. Still it was a dropkick to the stomach. Will it last? His resistance. After all... he is growing and changing. What if he loses that value? I hope not. I really truly do. At least, if he is going to be with me. I think if we broke up that if he started drinking I would be able to get over him faster... What a sad thought. Breaking up. I hate it.
I thought about it yesterday. Like really tried to picture it, and I got sick to my stomach. I didn't tell him of course. But he is so integrated into my life. I can't even... think about what it would be like to really NOT have him. Because it would take a long time to be his friend. A very very long time. Or maybe it would hurt too much for me to be his friend at all... I don't know. I don't want to know ever. He is one... that if we ever do break... and then start talking again I would keep my distance from. I am too in love with him. I think he is it, even though sometimes he pisses me off to no end. I think that if i lose him then I will truly lose a chunk of my heart. Not broken like others... but lose completely. Something that wouldn't heal...no. It would be something lost forever. That is what he means to me. Even if we are young...It never felt like this with the others...
When I thought of being single my world flipped upside down. It got black. very dark... I think I would run. I would be so desperate to escape I think I would even move schools. Not live alone for awhile. Get rid of a lot of stuff. Not listen to music. Change my sheets... my life. All of it would be extremely different. No more harry potter even... Not for awhile. No more movies... no more video games. The only thing I would be able to turn to would be to get so involved in school, work and other people that I couldn't think. The nights would be the worst. Pain tearing through me. So i would result to sleeping pills.
It isn't a pretty picture... Infact it is down right depressing to think I would get that way.
The thing is... i know I will...if it ever does happen. Him... he just... he seems to be it for me. Sure I could fall for another guy at some point. I am sure I will date again and maybe someday marry...
But it will always be him. I wouldn't have kids I don't think. He is the one that made me want them. I would move a lot I think. NO way would I stay in missouri. Or go to nashville ever. Notihng like that. So many things would hurt.

But they don't well at least not that bad. Cause I think I still have him...