dead dead dead

i wish that you and i had never happened. I think you were right when you said that we should have met at a different time.
You wanna know what you could do for me... You could never have happened.
I hate everything about what I am feeling... which must indicate that I have some good feelings left for you...
After all... i remember a few short hours ago claiming to have loved you.
I don't care if this doesn't happen all the time.
You are mean. In your soul you are mean. You say mean things to me that cut deep. And when I hear those things... You pointing out the flaws that I already tear myself up over. THe things I try and change for you...and you just throw them in my face like my efforts are worthles...
My love for you disappears when you do that. Or at least goes into hiding. Cause if i really didn't love you. I am sure I would finally be strong enough to dump your mean degrading self.
You HURT me. You hurt me like no one else has. It would hurt less if you just ditched me. But let me comfort you in saying that if you did ditch me...thinking of this would be something that would help me get through. I won't like... This is that thing about you that I would be thankful for getting rid of if you left.
You are the one closest to me.... so i guess i should expect you to be the one to stab me deepest.
But there is something I tend to do with people like you... I get rid of them before they cut me anymore.
Yea I have threatened that I don't think i can take this anymore. Well does it make you feel better that I sat and stared at a picture of you for a minute before deleting it? Does it make you happy that I have torn pictures of us up because this feeling can only be released by hurting you somehow as much as you hurt me... \
Tell me does it feel good to sit on your throne you goddamn mr. know it all and watch me twist in pain and indecision about you...
You know I love you. If i didn't...well obviously we wouldn't be here now...
But right now... Honestly more than any other time I wish we weren't here now.
Because you can't stop being a cold asshole for one damn minute to care enough to see what you are doing. To see where you are pushing. Because as happy and great as i am really trying to be... the negativity that you despise in me is still there. And the doubts and the pain have been double after your little not serious talk with me...
Before you say anything to me... Know that even though I can't be as cold as you... I can be cold enough. Part of me would die if I broke up with you...or you with me. Have no doubt... but I have felt that kind of shit before. And I would easily slide you into the category of people not worth caring about... You know i am great at delaying my reactions... You wouldn't be any different.
Before you sit there and retort with something cold and indifferent... Just know that I got off the phone without ending it because I looked at anik... And for a moement i glimpsed at something that reminded me why i even take the time to give a damn about someone who delights in hurting me.
Before you sit there and call me a liar...dramatic... or tell me how wrong i am... Just realize I am not going to do this with you. You don't deserve someone who doesn't care enought to try...You deserve better... And I don't deserve someone who treats me like this either... Once in a blue moon or on a weekly basis...
I make mistakes. Its hard to admit sometimes... But that doesn't mean that I don't try and change... but I expect to be with someone who has the same amount of respect to treat me the same. way.
You are mean... I shouldn't give you another damn chance. Cause I am almost sure that you will just do this again...
But that love part of me... that still exists for the moment... is fighting for what i am trying to get rid of...