The best movie ever. I don't like love stories... but this..this was incredible. This was real. If i could feel what was shown in that movie i think that I might be the happiest girl a live...
So why have i not been?
Why?
I have a love like that... not the exact same but so close.. it is amazing how i could not realize it before.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Saturday, December 22, 2007
How is it that we love? Where does it come from and what does it mean?
Can anyone out there really define love?
Passion, Happy, Joy, Elation, Friendship... Falling, pain, confusion, frustration...
"I don't even know what love is." I heard that from him. Yet, he has said he loves me. Does that mean he doesn't? Someone else out there has had to have heard that from the person they care about most. The person they love.
Well I know what love is for me. I don't feel like describing it though. Just suffice to say that I feel it in different forms. Each for a different person, family, lover, friends... They are just different feelings. But when you mix those levels of love... You have what I feel for that one special person.
To love someone means you are willing to grow and change for and with them. In some type of way. Whether you do it for the rest of your lives... or if you do it for a month. A relationship that holds some kind of love is a learning experience in loves to come later.
I have the love that I want. I don't think it could go deeper. But what to do when things are unsure... What to do when our minds stray and we think about other possible routes.
After all we are young...
But so what I say! Yes we are. So we are lucky to be able to have found we what we have now. I sit here and think... what if our future doesn't involve eachother. And the whole balance of my world shifts. Not in a bad way... but in way that doesn't seem possible.
What if we stay together today... and tomorrow. The we have last two more days. Just because we did it doesn't mean we are signing a marriage license. All of you out there who fear what you have... Why do you do that?
Because we are young? Because we are supposed to be acting a certain way? Being in a mature relationship is a step towards maturity. So if you don't want that be honest.
If fresh and total indepence from anyone is what you want... well you will never obtain it. You will always have others to consider, unless you are that cold hearted. You will never keep things fresh. This is life. We age and learn from the fresh so we can develop into the knowing and wise.
What do you care? Fuck if you do. Fuck if you don't.
I was thinking... maybe we let it get settled but that doesn't mean it is just me who is doing it...
Love... it can lead to pain. It always does in some way. But is the love worth saving in order to grow and mature?
Fuck.
Can anyone out there really define love?
Passion, Happy, Joy, Elation, Friendship... Falling, pain, confusion, frustration...
"I don't even know what love is." I heard that from him. Yet, he has said he loves me. Does that mean he doesn't? Someone else out there has had to have heard that from the person they care about most. The person they love.
Well I know what love is for me. I don't feel like describing it though. Just suffice to say that I feel it in different forms. Each for a different person, family, lover, friends... They are just different feelings. But when you mix those levels of love... You have what I feel for that one special person.
To love someone means you are willing to grow and change for and with them. In some type of way. Whether you do it for the rest of your lives... or if you do it for a month. A relationship that holds some kind of love is a learning experience in loves to come later.
I have the love that I want. I don't think it could go deeper. But what to do when things are unsure... What to do when our minds stray and we think about other possible routes.
After all we are young...
But so what I say! Yes we are. So we are lucky to be able to have found we what we have now. I sit here and think... what if our future doesn't involve eachother. And the whole balance of my world shifts. Not in a bad way... but in way that doesn't seem possible.
What if we stay together today... and tomorrow. The we have last two more days. Just because we did it doesn't mean we are signing a marriage license. All of you out there who fear what you have... Why do you do that?
Because we are young? Because we are supposed to be acting a certain way? Being in a mature relationship is a step towards maturity. So if you don't want that be honest.
If fresh and total indepence from anyone is what you want... well you will never obtain it. You will always have others to consider, unless you are that cold hearted. You will never keep things fresh. This is life. We age and learn from the fresh so we can develop into the knowing and wise.
What do you care? Fuck if you do. Fuck if you don't.
I was thinking... maybe we let it get settled but that doesn't mean it is just me who is doing it...
Love... it can lead to pain. It always does in some way. But is the love worth saving in order to grow and mature?
Fuck.
Monday, December 17, 2007
heart ache
yea... i think that needed to be said and to get it off my chest. Not sure what to do now...cause the anger and pain is gone in the few moments of sleep i procured. The few moments when i was numb to everything.
Silence... sweet beauty and redemption in the two hours of sleep I managed. Only to see my phone and realize...my eyes were open not shut and I was just so shut down...
I love you...
For all that it means. Right or wrong. I do. And i wanted you to hold me and soothe those pains that you caused. And right now I want to grasp onto you desperately and never let go or look back...
So tired.
Silence... sweet beauty and redemption in the two hours of sleep I managed. Only to see my phone and realize...my eyes were open not shut and I was just so shut down...
I love you...
For all that it means. Right or wrong. I do. And i wanted you to hold me and soothe those pains that you caused. And right now I want to grasp onto you desperately and never let go or look back...
So tired.
dead dead dead
i wish that you and i had never happened. I think you were right when you said that we should have met at a different time.
You wanna know what you could do for me... You could never have happened.
I hate everything about what I am feeling... which must indicate that I have some good feelings left for you...
After all... i remember a few short hours ago claiming to have loved you.
I don't care if this doesn't happen all the time.
You are mean. In your soul you are mean. You say mean things to me that cut deep. And when I hear those things... You pointing out the flaws that I already tear myself up over. THe things I try and change for you...and you just throw them in my face like my efforts are worthles...
My love for you disappears when you do that. Or at least goes into hiding. Cause if i really didn't love you. I am sure I would finally be strong enough to dump your mean degrading self.
You HURT me. You hurt me like no one else has. It would hurt less if you just ditched me. But let me comfort you in saying that if you did ditch me...thinking of this would be something that would help me get through. I won't like... This is that thing about you that I would be thankful for getting rid of if you left.
You are the one closest to me.... so i guess i should expect you to be the one to stab me deepest.
But there is something I tend to do with people like you... I get rid of them before they cut me anymore.
Yea I have threatened that I don't think i can take this anymore. Well does it make you feel better that I sat and stared at a picture of you for a minute before deleting it? Does it make you happy that I have torn pictures of us up because this feeling can only be released by hurting you somehow as much as you hurt me... \
Tell me does it feel good to sit on your throne you goddamn mr. know it all and watch me twist in pain and indecision about you...
You know I love you. If i didn't...well obviously we wouldn't be here now...
But right now... Honestly more than any other time I wish we weren't here now.
Because you can't stop being a cold asshole for one damn minute to care enough to see what you are doing. To see where you are pushing. Because as happy and great as i am really trying to be... the negativity that you despise in me is still there. And the doubts and the pain have been double after your little not serious talk with me...
Before you say anything to me... Know that even though I can't be as cold as you... I can be cold enough. Part of me would die if I broke up with you...or you with me. Have no doubt... but I have felt that kind of shit before. And I would easily slide you into the category of people not worth caring about... You know i am great at delaying my reactions... You wouldn't be any different.
Before you sit there and retort with something cold and indifferent... Just know that I got off the phone without ending it because I looked at anik... And for a moement i glimpsed at something that reminded me why i even take the time to give a damn about someone who delights in hurting me.
Before you sit there and call me a liar...dramatic... or tell me how wrong i am... Just realize I am not going to do this with you. You don't deserve someone who doesn't care enought to try...You deserve better... And I don't deserve someone who treats me like this either... Once in a blue moon or on a weekly basis...
I make mistakes. Its hard to admit sometimes... But that doesn't mean that I don't try and change... but I expect to be with someone who has the same amount of respect to treat me the same. way.
You are mean... I shouldn't give you another damn chance. Cause I am almost sure that you will just do this again...
But that love part of me... that still exists for the moment... is fighting for what i am trying to get rid of...
You wanna know what you could do for me... You could never have happened.
I hate everything about what I am feeling... which must indicate that I have some good feelings left for you...
After all... i remember a few short hours ago claiming to have loved you.
I don't care if this doesn't happen all the time.
You are mean. In your soul you are mean. You say mean things to me that cut deep. And when I hear those things... You pointing out the flaws that I already tear myself up over. THe things I try and change for you...and you just throw them in my face like my efforts are worthles...
My love for you disappears when you do that. Or at least goes into hiding. Cause if i really didn't love you. I am sure I would finally be strong enough to dump your mean degrading self.
You HURT me. You hurt me like no one else has. It would hurt less if you just ditched me. But let me comfort you in saying that if you did ditch me...thinking of this would be something that would help me get through. I won't like... This is that thing about you that I would be thankful for getting rid of if you left.
You are the one closest to me.... so i guess i should expect you to be the one to stab me deepest.
But there is something I tend to do with people like you... I get rid of them before they cut me anymore.
Yea I have threatened that I don't think i can take this anymore. Well does it make you feel better that I sat and stared at a picture of you for a minute before deleting it? Does it make you happy that I have torn pictures of us up because this feeling can only be released by hurting you somehow as much as you hurt me... \
Tell me does it feel good to sit on your throne you goddamn mr. know it all and watch me twist in pain and indecision about you...
You know I love you. If i didn't...well obviously we wouldn't be here now...
But right now... Honestly more than any other time I wish we weren't here now.
Because you can't stop being a cold asshole for one damn minute to care enough to see what you are doing. To see where you are pushing. Because as happy and great as i am really trying to be... the negativity that you despise in me is still there. And the doubts and the pain have been double after your little not serious talk with me...
Before you say anything to me... Know that even though I can't be as cold as you... I can be cold enough. Part of me would die if I broke up with you...or you with me. Have no doubt... but I have felt that kind of shit before. And I would easily slide you into the category of people not worth caring about... You know i am great at delaying my reactions... You wouldn't be any different.
Before you sit there and retort with something cold and indifferent... Just know that I got off the phone without ending it because I looked at anik... And for a moement i glimpsed at something that reminded me why i even take the time to give a damn about someone who delights in hurting me.
Before you sit there and call me a liar...dramatic... or tell me how wrong i am... Just realize I am not going to do this with you. You don't deserve someone who doesn't care enought to try...You deserve better... And I don't deserve someone who treats me like this either... Once in a blue moon or on a weekly basis...
I make mistakes. Its hard to admit sometimes... But that doesn't mean that I don't try and change... but I expect to be with someone who has the same amount of respect to treat me the same. way.
You are mean... I shouldn't give you another damn chance. Cause I am almost sure that you will just do this again...
But that love part of me... that still exists for the moment... is fighting for what i am trying to get rid of...
Friday, December 7, 2007
I am alone... no one here for me
What do you do when someone you love wants you closer? Well if you are unhappy with where you are it should be obvious to go there so that you can both be happy. But what if... there are two people who want you closer? You like one place more than the other but one place holds the love of your life...the place you don't like as much.
What if you pick to be with your bestfriend at a college that holds more opportunity and chances to develop more on your own, but in payment...you lose Him. the one you want more than anything?
Then vice versa... You go to his school and you are with him and together, but your friend feels hurt you didn't pick her (she has been around 8 years where he has been around 1.7) and you are happy with him...but you lose out on some really good college experiences?
What is worth more... a good resume or a good relationship...
Let's add more into the mix. Say you have to choose with in the next few months. Your friend wants you there he wants you with him... You already know that if you pick your friends college you will be happier in the area, but that if you go to there you most likely won't last with him... But at least you will have your friend, your great college experience and all that...
Say you pick him... The college isn't as good, doesn't hold as much in the market as going to a different school does. You are with him and that is great. But then you break up and you deeply regret wasting your college life on being at a school that wasn't as good as you could have been at.
What do you do... OF course there is the option you stay together with said love...and grow old and happily in love together. But money wise and job wise it doesn't work out as well... There is so much and no one knows the future.
How am i supposed to make this choice. I am so sick of mizzou... I am not happy with the experience... So I have been thinking about moving to ucm or to missouri state... Ucm hold bennie and ms holds erin... I think that if i move to erin's school over all I would be happier but if i lost bennie it would crush me.
If i am with bennie...and I still lose him I will have NOTHING to show for it but going with erin i would...
So what do i do?
Just stay where I am? Halfway to miserable and happy... Just stuck in the middle?
I hate not knowing what to do...
What if you pick to be with your bestfriend at a college that holds more opportunity and chances to develop more on your own, but in payment...you lose Him. the one you want more than anything?
Then vice versa... You go to his school and you are with him and together, but your friend feels hurt you didn't pick her (she has been around 8 years where he has been around 1.7) and you are happy with him...but you lose out on some really good college experiences?
What is worth more... a good resume or a good relationship...
Let's add more into the mix. Say you have to choose with in the next few months. Your friend wants you there he wants you with him... You already know that if you pick your friends college you will be happier in the area, but that if you go to there you most likely won't last with him... But at least you will have your friend, your great college experience and all that...
Say you pick him... The college isn't as good, doesn't hold as much in the market as going to a different school does. You are with him and that is great. But then you break up and you deeply regret wasting your college life on being at a school that wasn't as good as you could have been at.
What do you do... OF course there is the option you stay together with said love...and grow old and happily in love together. But money wise and job wise it doesn't work out as well... There is so much and no one knows the future.
How am i supposed to make this choice. I am so sick of mizzou... I am not happy with the experience... So I have been thinking about moving to ucm or to missouri state... Ucm hold bennie and ms holds erin... I think that if i move to erin's school over all I would be happier but if i lost bennie it would crush me.
If i am with bennie...and I still lose him I will have NOTHING to show for it but going with erin i would...
So what do i do?
Just stay where I am? Halfway to miserable and happy... Just stuck in the middle?
I hate not knowing what to do...
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Gagging on the morning.
I feel so crappy right now. I keep gagging, which I think is my body saying...go back to bead. Seeing as how you didn't sleep much at all. You woke up when i was finally happy. GO BACK TO SLEEP!
I wonder what my body would really say if it could talk for why it feels certain ways... Is it just me destroying it, or is it truly sick? Prolly a bit of both to be honest with you.
I am in Biology again, fyi. This is why my body feels the way it does. Other than having about 3 hours of sleep, being up to listen to this makes me kinda quesy. My heart beats a lil faster. Eyes feeling heavy. Today could last forever. I still have a lot to do. I am so so so tired.
Taking a new pill that is with diet stuff. I have already dropped about 3 lbs. That excites me. Even if my body is having a hard time adjusting to it. It has just been awhile since I have dropped weight fast. I won't lie, I could take this super far but Bennie makes me want to stay a lil curvy, just wanted to lost about 10lbs which would make me 130lb... if not lost 15 and be nice and 125lbs. that would be perfect for me!!! But gotta be careful. I need to be in bed.
Thats all I can think about. Bed bed bed. And bennie cause I want to hold him and cuddle.
I am even too sleepy to feel or care what has happened or been said. I just know right now all I want to do is collapse in his arms and feel his heart beat under my hand and feel my whole body relax and just absorb the feel of him. I have never known the feeling of being lost in someones arms until him.
Box turtles get hit by cars. How sad. Stupid geographical barrier.
I am shaking. There was a half eaten chocolate chocolate muffin in the dirt the other day. I had all these thoughts that rotated around it and wondering why it was just dropped there... Or maybe it was thrown. Poor poor muffin. No one even cared enough to finish what they started. I like mine with milk if I ever eat one. Blueberry and poppyseed tend to be my muffin of choice. But this poor chocolate muffin looked so sad.
My teacher just admited to theft. umumumumumum. I just told!!! Haha. See if you ever steal again. She stole a bad animation from another teacher. TEll thee world.
I am so tired. I am just amazingly tired right now. And I feel sick to my tummy. 20 min and then i am free of this class room forever. Then a nap and then a day full of more crap. Jitter pills.
I wonder what my body would really say if it could talk for why it feels certain ways... Is it just me destroying it, or is it truly sick? Prolly a bit of both to be honest with you.
I am in Biology again, fyi. This is why my body feels the way it does. Other than having about 3 hours of sleep, being up to listen to this makes me kinda quesy. My heart beats a lil faster. Eyes feeling heavy. Today could last forever. I still have a lot to do. I am so so so tired.
Taking a new pill that is with diet stuff. I have already dropped about 3 lbs. That excites me. Even if my body is having a hard time adjusting to it. It has just been awhile since I have dropped weight fast. I won't lie, I could take this super far but Bennie makes me want to stay a lil curvy, just wanted to lost about 10lbs which would make me 130lb... if not lost 15 and be nice and 125lbs. that would be perfect for me!!! But gotta be careful. I need to be in bed.
Thats all I can think about. Bed bed bed. And bennie cause I want to hold him and cuddle.
I am even too sleepy to feel or care what has happened or been said. I just know right now all I want to do is collapse in his arms and feel his heart beat under my hand and feel my whole body relax and just absorb the feel of him. I have never known the feeling of being lost in someones arms until him.
Box turtles get hit by cars. How sad. Stupid geographical barrier.
I am shaking. There was a half eaten chocolate chocolate muffin in the dirt the other day. I had all these thoughts that rotated around it and wondering why it was just dropped there... Or maybe it was thrown. Poor poor muffin. No one even cared enough to finish what they started. I like mine with milk if I ever eat one. Blueberry and poppyseed tend to be my muffin of choice. But this poor chocolate muffin looked so sad.
My teacher just admited to theft. umumumumumum. I just told!!! Haha. See if you ever steal again. She stole a bad animation from another teacher. TEll thee world.
I am so tired. I am just amazingly tired right now. And I feel sick to my tummy. 20 min and then i am free of this class room forever. Then a nap and then a day full of more crap. Jitter pills.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Lost,
Just don't know what to do. I don't want to be here anymore. I am not looking forward to the next few weeks. Just December 31st... if we are still chugging along. If not... well the there goes the black hole.
2 hrs and 25 min. I am not counting or anything... Not at all... Please don't wrap. Please don't call and say nevermind.
Gotta get my mind off this. Wanna read a song I wrote?
Falling Star
Bleeding on the floor
Staring at the ceiling and wondering where the light is
But its all burnt out
Like the shooting star you once were.
Now the other stars twinkle around you
The sun shines in the day
And the moon glows at night
But you lay there bleeding and trying to fight.
Your heart throbs with the pain of something lost
The sparkle you once were
Sucked away by a meteor shower of pain.
Just wish it wasn’t so. Just wish they didn’t go.
They always do. Nothing ever rearranges in the sky
No matter how much you cry to your god.
The sky shimmers blue.
The night sky that holds you is a black hole
So shallow and so alone.
All the other stars shimmer as you fade away
So slowly comes another day.
No one will notice your gone
They will only remember because of this song
If anyone ever tells your story
The falling star with out a wish.
Just wish it wasn’t so. Just wish they didn’t go.
They always do. Nothing ever rearranges in the sky
No matter how much you cry to your god.
I like it. It is something I haven't written in awhile. I usually write when I have been wounded.
I want a man that means the things Michael Buble sings... I just don't want to doubt or hurt. I just want to go back to being comfortable and not feeling worried every second. I just want so many things...
Stronger than I think some say. Jittery with pills... not bad ones. Health ones i am taking to help out my body.
Am I lost... Baby your not lost the lyrics reach out to me. But there is no one to mean them.
French is looming. Gotta finish my work. But to hyped up. 2 hrs and 28 min now. ...29 then 30.
My phone just buzzed. I hopped up so fast... not what I wanted to read.
So damn jittery right now. Can't settle the hell down. Can't settle my mind. Can't get it under control.
I wanna fly. Sometimes I wish it was different. I don't want to feel like this. STop stop stop.
We'll get lost together... Where is he? To get lost with... no where. He isn't with me anymore... or is he. So lost.
2 hrs and 25 min. I am not counting or anything... Not at all... Please don't wrap. Please don't call and say nevermind.
Gotta get my mind off this. Wanna read a song I wrote?
Falling Star
Bleeding on the floor
Staring at the ceiling and wondering where the light is
But its all burnt out
Like the shooting star you once were.
Now the other stars twinkle around you
The sun shines in the day
And the moon glows at night
But you lay there bleeding and trying to fight.
Your heart throbs with the pain of something lost
The sparkle you once were
Sucked away by a meteor shower of pain.
Just wish it wasn’t so. Just wish they didn’t go.
They always do. Nothing ever rearranges in the sky
No matter how much you cry to your god.
The sky shimmers blue.
The night sky that holds you is a black hole
So shallow and so alone.
All the other stars shimmer as you fade away
So slowly comes another day.
No one will notice your gone
They will only remember because of this song
If anyone ever tells your story
The falling star with out a wish.
Just wish it wasn’t so. Just wish they didn’t go.
They always do. Nothing ever rearranges in the sky
No matter how much you cry to your god.
I like it. It is something I haven't written in awhile. I usually write when I have been wounded.
I want a man that means the things Michael Buble sings... I just don't want to doubt or hurt. I just want to go back to being comfortable and not feeling worried every second. I just want so many things...
Stronger than I think some say. Jittery with pills... not bad ones. Health ones i am taking to help out my body.
Am I lost... Baby your not lost the lyrics reach out to me. But there is no one to mean them.
French is looming. Gotta finish my work. But to hyped up. 2 hrs and 28 min now. ...29 then 30.
My phone just buzzed. I hopped up so fast... not what I wanted to read.
So damn jittery right now. Can't settle the hell down. Can't settle my mind. Can't get it under control.
I wanna fly. Sometimes I wish it was different. I don't want to feel like this. STop stop stop.
We'll get lost together... Where is he? To get lost with... no where. He isn't with me anymore... or is he. So lost.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Sex in the City
The only reason the title is what it is ... I am watching the show. I really like it. Especially the latest ones... not so much the early ones. One of the characters.. Big. I just totally adore his character. Anywho...
This weekend was more than difficult. And now... I just got a punch to the gut. Single...drinking... what next? I don't know that I can take much more of it. No cheating though. He would never. He just had a some thoughts and was open and shared... Now I am waiting to find out about drinking. HE said know of course. He doesn't do that... Something I love. Still it was a dropkick to the stomach. Will it last? His resistance. After all... he is growing and changing. What if he loses that value? I hope not. I really truly do. At least, if he is going to be with me. I think if we broke up that if he started drinking I would be able to get over him faster... What a sad thought. Breaking up. I hate it.
I thought about it yesterday. Like really tried to picture it, and I got sick to my stomach. I didn't tell him of course. But he is so integrated into my life. I can't even... think about what it would be like to really NOT have him. Because it would take a long time to be his friend. A very very long time. Or maybe it would hurt too much for me to be his friend at all... I don't know. I don't want to know ever. He is one... that if we ever do break... and then start talking again I would keep my distance from. I am too in love with him. I think he is it, even though sometimes he pisses me off to no end. I think that if i lose him then I will truly lose a chunk of my heart. Not broken like others... but lose completely. Something that wouldn't heal...no. It would be something lost forever. That is what he means to me. Even if we are young...It never felt like this with the others...
When I thought of being single my world flipped upside down. It got black. very dark... I think I would run. I would be so desperate to escape I think I would even move schools. Not live alone for awhile. Get rid of a lot of stuff. Not listen to music. Change my sheets... my life. All of it would be extremely different. No more harry potter even... Not for awhile. No more movies... no more video games. The only thing I would be able to turn to would be to get so involved in school, work and other people that I couldn't think. The nights would be the worst. Pain tearing through me. So i would result to sleeping pills.
It isn't a pretty picture... Infact it is down right depressing to think I would get that way.
The thing is... i know I will...if it ever does happen. Him... he just... he seems to be it for me. Sure I could fall for another guy at some point. I am sure I will date again and maybe someday marry...
But it will always be him. I wouldn't have kids I don't think. He is the one that made me want them. I would move a lot I think. NO way would I stay in missouri. Or go to nashville ever. Notihng like that. So many things would hurt.
But they don't well at least not that bad. Cause I think I still have him...
This weekend was more than difficult. And now... I just got a punch to the gut. Single...drinking... what next? I don't know that I can take much more of it. No cheating though. He would never. He just had a some thoughts and was open and shared... Now I am waiting to find out about drinking. HE said know of course. He doesn't do that... Something I love. Still it was a dropkick to the stomach. Will it last? His resistance. After all... he is growing and changing. What if he loses that value? I hope not. I really truly do. At least, if he is going to be with me. I think if we broke up that if he started drinking I would be able to get over him faster... What a sad thought. Breaking up. I hate it.
I thought about it yesterday. Like really tried to picture it, and I got sick to my stomach. I didn't tell him of course. But he is so integrated into my life. I can't even... think about what it would be like to really NOT have him. Because it would take a long time to be his friend. A very very long time. Or maybe it would hurt too much for me to be his friend at all... I don't know. I don't want to know ever. He is one... that if we ever do break... and then start talking again I would keep my distance from. I am too in love with him. I think he is it, even though sometimes he pisses me off to no end. I think that if i lose him then I will truly lose a chunk of my heart. Not broken like others... but lose completely. Something that wouldn't heal...no. It would be something lost forever. That is what he means to me. Even if we are young...It never felt like this with the others...
When I thought of being single my world flipped upside down. It got black. very dark... I think I would run. I would be so desperate to escape I think I would even move schools. Not live alone for awhile. Get rid of a lot of stuff. Not listen to music. Change my sheets... my life. All of it would be extremely different. No more harry potter even... Not for awhile. No more movies... no more video games. The only thing I would be able to turn to would be to get so involved in school, work and other people that I couldn't think. The nights would be the worst. Pain tearing through me. So i would result to sleeping pills.
It isn't a pretty picture... Infact it is down right depressing to think I would get that way.
The thing is... i know I will...if it ever does happen. Him... he just... he seems to be it for me. Sure I could fall for another guy at some point. I am sure I will date again and maybe someday marry...
But it will always be him. I wouldn't have kids I don't think. He is the one that made me want them. I would move a lot I think. NO way would I stay in missouri. Or go to nashville ever. Notihng like that. So many things would hurt.
But they don't well at least not that bad. Cause I think I still have him...
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