gently cascading into darkness

As I sit here staring out the window thoughts of never being good enough. Too fat, too skinny, to this to that, not enough too much... they all run through my head making it hard to deal with who and what i am at times.
I like school. I enjoy learning and what not. However since college I feel like I enjoy it less and less. The teachers at school don't seem to give a damn anymore. something I have noticed is I haven't made one friend that is a teacher, and that saddens me a great deal. I used to be friends with almost all of my teachers, especially my English teachers. It helped me try even harder to impress and to do my best because i diddn't want to let a friend down. My english 1000 teacher this semester... well i thought we could be friends. I see that is not to be. He is kind of a jerk sometimes. ANd i feel like he gets sick of his students. I will say that YOU Lania have been very nice now that i feel comfortable to talk to you. But you are the first...
I don't like impersonal teachers. I understand in BIG classes being that way, but most of my classes ARE NOT. Why is there such a distance? I miss having more adult friends, it helped me understand things a bit better and i looked forward to classes... Now I don't so much. My gpa last year was horrible for me... below 3.0... that is sad. In my book. I could beat myself up...After all it was my fault. I stopped going to classes as much. It didn't matter becuase i missed home and i felt like no one gave a damn about my grade any way. I was just another failure. Sad isn't it? To look at things that way... But I do sometimes. A lot actually.
Maybe I didn't pick the right school. Not as personal big ol' Mizzou as say... UCM. My boyfriend has become close to a few teachers and he loves his classes... But i wanted a challenge. I wanted to wake up a nd have the glory of being a tiger. Now I find I am just one in thousands of faces... No one really cares about me or what I am interested in. Even my advisor seemed a bit short with me at first. Sorry I hate french and math.. .I love English...hint my major.!! Why don't we care anymore? where did the caring go....