Then there was french.

I hate french. It drives me insane. it has kept me on edge all semester and I can't wait to be DONE with it. I just thought I would let you know cause I have a quiz in there today and I just don't want to do it.
My cat just fell over a lid. It was hilarious because he tried to act like he didn't. Haha. What an adorable creature he is. I almost said what an adorable creature... I own. But do we really own our pets? We take care of them and we love on them and feed them and house them... Sounds like parenthood to me! But can you really own another creature? Maybe "legally" but I don't think you can spiritually. That doesn't seem right at all. I don't own anik. He came o me, if anything he owns my heart. I think some of me would be lost without him. The sweet lil/fat guy.
I worked out this morning and I feel wonderful about it. And I talked to bennie's mom, and I don't feel wonderful about that. She thinks we are going to come see her once a month. I don't think so. Nope nope nope. My home is not in St. Louis. Neither is bennie's so why should we go there all the time. Talk about needing to let go. Now that I have met bennie's mom, and lived with my gma, I have come to appreciate my parents a great deal. Yes, there are things that Were very messed up in my household. Groundings for stupid things. Never getting to talk to my friends, and therefore develop some better social skills, yadadadadada. But look at me now. Yea I have issues, who doesn't? Not to write them off or anything... but i mean seriously we all grow up with crap don't we? Something that should have been changed cause we all know better than our parents did. Yea sure whatever. I have learned a lot from my parents. What not to do- Kill spouse, ground excessivly, hit too hard, marry a jerk... Ya know basic stuff. But I learned a lot from their mistakes because I am who I am. Which leads me to wondering... Were they mistakes. If I like myself and I feel proud of who I have become, does that make the way I was raised wrong... or right? It is twisted and the abuse I took taught a lot but I still turned out for the most part pretty damn okay.
I want my kids to be happy but also know there are consequences for actions not thought out. I want my kids to grow up and be happy and come see me, but at the same time have their own lives. (My gma and bennie's mom don't get that. Kids leave home so stop pushing for them to come home all the damn time!!!!!) I know i will screw up because I am human, but i hope my kid looks back and thinks of me the way i think of my mom. I love her to death. My dad as well...though he is in prison he hasn't raised me much.
Another rant. Bennie's mom drives me insane sometimes. I feel like the only reason I exist is so she can get to bennie through me. I hate it. And she demands we come to st. louis. There is nothing in St. Louis for me. If she doesn't like it there she should move back to kc. She was complaining to me that she misses all the people she had come to know... well not my fault. And Bennie and I are growing up. I don't even go home once a month so I am sure as hell not going there. I don't know why I feel so mean about this. I guess i Have parents who don't expect me home all the time. I know my mom misses me and what not but she knows i am a growing adult and that I don't have time to come home all the time.
Bennie and I want to go to Nashville... that is where we are thinking about living. What will his mom do then? Cause I get tired of it.
I feel so mean now. Yuck. Time for noodles and cheese!

No I won't do lines!

I am putting off doing lines because I don't want to deal with it. I am sitting on my couch right now watching tv. So far today I have written a four page paper, gone to the writing center, gotten my hair cut and eyebrows waxed, and eaten dinner, OH and cleaned my apartment to some extent. NO NAP! Thats right I managed to get through the whole day while NOT napping, at least so far. I still need to edit my paper and go do lines, and work out, and french stuff. So I guess I should get up and get to it. But I am in need of writing this as well. Don't want to fall apart on this just because I have a million things to do.
I love my hair by the way. It is great. I got a head massage and my hair feels wonderful.
Wow I feel my eyes closing right now. I am finally feeling worn out. How annoying. It is probably better... wow i totally forgot where I was going with that though. How funny. haha.
My kitty is curled up to me right now. He is all warm and fuzzy and adorable. OOOOHHH. I remember. I am feeling sleepy because I ate! Yea that is right. When I eat a big meal it makes me sleepy, and even though I just ate pringles and a 6inch from subway now I am so so sleepy.
I want to do a room in purple in my house. I think that it would be my library... a light purple. And dark purple too and have dark wood shelves and lots and lots of books. I can't wait to have my own place, even if i have to live with Bennie. Bennie and me!!! I like that idea a lot. I miss him right now a little. This weekend I am going to stay in columbia and do some christmas shopping. Also I want to bake cookies. I love making cookies and I haven't had time to in a long time. Cookies are great therapy and they taste yummy!!!!
I am not really in the mood to write. I am forcing everything out that I am talking.
I hope I stay in love. I hope I get a new tv for christmas. That is the main thing that I want, even though I hate asking for stuff like that. I feel like a beggar when i do. I hope this is reaching the word limit thing. I am so so tired.
I want a yummy sandwich. I want to hang christmas lights. Snow is good tree. I want to sleep. Now I am tired.

Nobody puts baby in the corner

Haha. How teenage of me to title something with a Fallout boy song title. That isn't even the name of the song I am listening to right now. But yea I like Fallout Boy. I was thinking about music the other day. Ya know... I wonder what people will think of music in ten years. What will I listen to when I am in my thirties. Will I still listen to this stuff, like my parents listen to their music or will i grow and develop and like new music. Will music really change that much?
I feel like our world is hitting a stopping point when it comes to creativity in the arts. The same songs are playing on the radio just different backgroud music. Different styles. But same stuff. Clothes are vintage, trendy, relaxed... they don't change much either. Yea we expose a little more skin then regress to what people were wearing thirty years ago. My mom tells me she wishes she would have saved her clothes so she would be able to give them to me. not just a wedding dresses anymore but actual wardrobes. If i could make something come back into fashion it would be the beautiful gowns that existed for princesses and queens. Ladies in waiting, court folk. It would be beautiful. I wish I could have lived during that time, but I didn't.
Or did I?

I was part of a discussion on whether we go to heaven hell reincarnate, or who knows what else. I wish I knew, but I suppose that privledge doesn't come along until it is too late to realize it. It would be awesome if we did reincarnate and then... If we could remember our lives before us. I think that I may write a story about that. Not like it hasn't been written before but my version hasn't been told. Maybe that is why we keep creating. Because there are so many ways to say the same thing. That would make sense. I love you. I adore you. I would die for you. I am devoted to you... All the same thing. They all illustrate the same concept that you care for someone deeply. Just like my words have been written before, the songs have been sung. Maybe our lives have been lived.
Do you think it is possible to have lived the same experiences as someone else. What if when we die we are reincarnated till we learn and evolve into something past this world. An old soul has seen a lot and maybe they stayed behind to help. I want to write a story about this now. I think it would be interesting and a fun idea. I love fantasy and this goes very well with something i have brewing...

gently cascading into darkness

As I sit here staring out the window thoughts of never being good enough. Too fat, too skinny, to this to that, not enough too much... they all run through my head making it hard to deal with who and what i am at times.
I like school. I enjoy learning and what not. However since college I feel like I enjoy it less and less. The teachers at school don't seem to give a damn anymore. something I have noticed is I haven't made one friend that is a teacher, and that saddens me a great deal. I used to be friends with almost all of my teachers, especially my English teachers. It helped me try even harder to impress and to do my best because i diddn't want to let a friend down. My english 1000 teacher this semester... well i thought we could be friends. I see that is not to be. He is kind of a jerk sometimes. ANd i feel like he gets sick of his students. I will say that YOU Lania have been very nice now that i feel comfortable to talk to you. But you are the first...
I don't like impersonal teachers. I understand in BIG classes being that way, but most of my classes ARE NOT. Why is there such a distance? I miss having more adult friends, it helped me understand things a bit better and i looked forward to classes... Now I don't so much. My gpa last year was horrible for me... below 3.0... that is sad. In my book. I could beat myself up...After all it was my fault. I stopped going to classes as much. It didn't matter becuase i missed home and i felt like no one gave a damn about my grade any way. I was just another failure. Sad isn't it? To look at things that way... But I do sometimes. A lot actually.
Maybe I didn't pick the right school. Not as personal big ol' Mizzou as say... UCM. My boyfriend has become close to a few teachers and he loves his classes... But i wanted a challenge. I wanted to wake up a nd have the glory of being a tiger. Now I find I am just one in thousands of faces... No one really cares about me or what I am interested in. Even my advisor seemed a bit short with me at first. Sorry I hate french and math.. .I love English...hint my major.!! Why don't we care anymore? where did the caring go....

Thriller

LAst night I felt great. My outfit felt good, my boyfriend came in town, and I read a story that I wrote with my own ideas and people clapped. I don't know if anyone enjoyed it, but bennie told me I was great. My father who I read to on the phone told me i brought tears to his eyes, and two friends told me I had a great but dark imagination. I felt like I was on a cloud. Then my night was amazing, but details aren't aloud there...

Now I am at home. My home in lee's summit that is. I came home to start my break, but I will be going back to columbia tomorrow. I am working and I have a lot of homework to take care of. YUCK!!!! Tonight we celebrated my little brother's birthday, two weeks early. I got him some MU stuff and we had an amazing dinner. Then we watched Master of Disguise which is a favorite for us and now I am on here writing to get it done. Titanic is on and everyone is dying while I sit here. I never really got that movie. Maybe I watched it too young but I just thought it was really funny when she lets go of jack because it is soo heartless. And everyone who falls is screaming and looks desperate. They just watch everyone going down. It is sad but way to dramatic. Something else is I remember watching it for the first time at the age of 11 and my little brother was six and while I giggled and the horror of it all he bawled.
The only thing good from the movie was the song My Heart Will GO on. Now there is a tear jerker. I danced to that song for ballet when I was twelve, the last recital I got to be in. My costume was so so so pretty and the song really touched me, even at a young age. But for some reason the story it is attached to did nothing for me.

I suppose now that I am thinking about it, it would be horrifying for anyone who found all those dead frozen bodies. And those dying...freezing to death. Or what about the ones who survived. Wow what a weird feeling. I am not sure which one would be worse... But i think the one dying would be the easiest... No more feeling.

wasting away in custard

I am at work right now. I have about a billion things to do, and no time for them. Well I have time, but I had been hoping tha ttime would be spent relaxing, reading, with family, and what not. But instead I have a 4 page paper to write. A french composition to compose, a review over that interview to write, and who knows what else may pop up before it is all said and done... OH WAIT. I forgot I also need to memorize all my lines for a duo I am in. So there goes my break. I may not be in class, but I will be busting my butt doing work for them.

I am angry right now. This week has been jammed with hurried homework lectures, and stressful last minute needs. I want a day for myself, but it is looking like I won't find that until Sometime in December...
My boyfriend and I won't get to spend holidays together. That downs me a great deal because I rely on him so much for support. December is the worst month for me to handle. Death seems to stalk me with misery and grief in its wake. I am faced with the death of my grandpa, stepmother, and the imprisonment of my father. I have to deal with my grandmother being depressed and lashing out at me.
My father gets depressed because he is behind bars and cannot join our family.
And finally because of everything, I too get down. How could I avoid it? Wait, Bennie! I am not saying I didn't get down last year, but he was able to lift me up a little more. He made me smile and feel good and we had our own special christmas. It was amazing and I finally felt like things would get better year to year. Now we won't get to see eachother like i was hoping. We will be on two seperate sides of missouri. Damnit

Other stuff that is on my mind. My story has come a long nicely. I feel that it is longer than the required amount, but for now I am just getting it down till i have what is needed. I actually hit 6 pages and 1700 words a few min ago. I have had so much to do that I have been out of a creative mood and now that I could let it flow a little better it wasn't so hard to do.
Now I feel like I have taken my time and let something come and it is working. I really am happy well at least I am happier than I was with my assg. two story. This one is so much better and interesting. I have to make custard now. Ugh. I can't wait to find a new job.

Maybe it goes like this

I hate tuesdays.

damnit

my computer has not been able to get internet. I have been having some serious problems. I am getting mediacom to fix it today. then i will write like crazy in this thing :)

Playing with the blinds

My cat keeps playng with the blinds. Silly silly kitty cat.

I should be studying but this is important too is it not? I guess for now I am simply just being distracted.
Today I had to see my advisor, which was helpful and yet frustrating. I have to take a math class I don't want to do and I have to and must get a C or above in french or I won't be on good standing. I hate french. It messes up my life.

I want to sleep. I am sick and it is difficult. Family guy cracks me up.

I am really sick as of now. I hurt all over and nothing feels good. My cat is not being funny now. just irratating. I am alone. Always very much alone.

If time bleeds for those who are lonely
It bleeds for me all the time
When i lay in bed and reach for you
The only dust i gather leaves the air without substance
The pillow holds me close while you lay far away
The days the drip by slowly
Imprint deep in my soul
The heart can't keep beating if the source won't come closer.
Yea this is what you do.
The doubt comes from this place.
When all I hear is purring and the dry hack of my own coughing
The others didn't leave me feeling like this.
The river didn't run this deep.
How steep the hill is to climb...
Will it be worth it in time?
I can't help but doubt you now.
The way we talk and lay together, will it last forever...
How can i be strong enough to care
When i am choking in the darkness
And you are never there.

Blue iced Mittens

I love to eat cookies. I love to eat cookies with icing. Yesterday I got a cookie in the shape of a mitten.
I have had a great day. Sleeping eleven hours then playing pokemon for a ridiculous amount of hours. My eye is twitching right now and it is driving me insane. Robert DeNaro is incredible. So incredible I am pretty sure I messed that up. I am watching sleepers with Bennie and his roommate Kent. It is a great mvoie. If you havne't seen it you really should watch it.
So what should I write about.? How great I feel right now? How wonderful it is to just sit around and enjoy my life for a weekend? Tomorrow I will be back in columbia, facing real life. Classes, assignments, work. All of it burning me away into a tiny crisp. Why will it be burning me? It will be burning me because I can't take it anymore. I am so tired of school. Just burnt out to the point of not caring enough.
My eye keeps twitching. I do not know what the heck is going on. I really want to sit back down and waste my brain power on a game that does not matter. Why is it that I want to just play? Is it that the idea of growing up and being more responsible does not appeal to me? NO. I want to grow up . I like to be older and I can not believe that I will be twenty this year. It is insane to me. But anywho I am just rambling. I don't know that any of this matters but here i write it. I don't know what to do with my life. Except move forward. But that can be hard when I want to stay young.

Bubble bubble

Anger boiled within her breat. She stared hard at the little screen and felt the rage build. Her finger tapped on the A button over and over again just trying to through this last battle. This was it... The final hit, if the stupid thing wouldn't recover. The final moment when she would finally be able to claim victory as her own! Her tonge poked out from her lips that were stretched into a grimace. There were wrinkles in her forehead from the hard look of concentration she gave that dame little screen. Agian her finger hit the A button. Sleep powder then tackle. This was it. The challengers movements came in tiny white letters across the bottom of the screen. There was a moment of silence and then she burst out yelling. A howl of victory echoed in her apartment as she danced around holding the tiny maching.
"I won! I won! I won i won i won!!!!" She jumped, she hooted, she wiggled around for about a minute then abruptly she sat on the edge of the tan couch. Her attention totally focused back in on the tiny pink nintendo ds in her hands. The lines gone from her forehead a hint of a smile touched her lips as she read what she had won. A badge, and the ability to use Cut for small trees that stood in her bath. Her body was still tense. After three hours of play she had finally reached her goal. TI fet good. It felt very good for her. Her tiny character made its way to the health center to heal. A catch tune emitted from the little speakers and she fianly slid back into her position on the couch. She hit a few buttons and then turned it off.

Yea, That was me last night. I had been fighting a Trainer named misty on my nintendo ds. I am a 19 year girl and I still love pokemon games. :) They are so much fun, plus it is something I can do and talk about with bennie (my boyfriend). It is something we have to keep us going and relieve some stress. I enjoy it a lot.
That is the first time I have really gotten into something I was writing since about the beginning of October. Since my computer was stolen I have just not been in the mood for writing. I have not felt very inspired. I feel really burnt out and as if I am going through the motions of the days. Well speaking of motions, Spongebob is on and being the dork i am i love that too.