Fighting for the right.

What does that mean. Fighting for the write.

When It rains it pours

When it rains it pours... I have always loved that statement. THis week has trickled by. It has seemed so long and stretched out. The drizzle is delightful today because that hopefully means people will NOT want to come to shakes and annoy me. I am not in a mood to deal with customers. Plus I have about ten million things to do. 3 papers actually.
I hated my story that I wrote for class. It isn't my style so it was hard to write. I am trying to expand but I hate writing about real people kind of stuff. I like what is termed as genre fiction I guess. I like to write about fantasy fiction. Things that involve vampires, wizards, elves, warriors. That is the type of stuff i grew up reading because it helped me escape the dull reality that is our world. I could drift into a world with princes and wizards. Kindoms and fairies. I could watch, I could mentally be someone who held the dangerous powers of magic in my hands. But i feel restricted at Mizzou. I feel like it isn't acceptable to write that way. Even though some great authors have written about that stuff. My favorite being J. R Tolkien. Wow. Now there are some stories full of magic and literary merit. Did you know some of his characters are named after characters in Beowulf? Oh and he is the one who brough Beowulf to the attention of scholars and its importance. I idolize that man.
I want to go on the trip to Greece. Infact I am planning on it. I need to get another brochure.... Going to Greece has always been a dream of mine. Seriously I have always wanted to go and spend a year and just write. I do not think that I will support myself on my writing career but I do hope to publish one day. And for that matter to work/be a publisher. It works well for me. I want to have alibrary in my house and all my books. I want my kids to love and appreciate books like i do. The written word is so valuable to us. The dusty pages that hold secrets into another realm.
The hiding place for a young girl in the midst of all the turmoil and chaos in the world. I want my children to feel the way I do about books. Hopefully they will. I won't force it on them, but I do hope they find the pleasures from words to be part of their daily experience.
My boyfriend started reading more because of me. Just like I got into movies because of him. I think that someday we will have great kids... Hoepfully we last till then. Hopefully the world lasts...

Something I wrote

She stared at him with the passion of a lover. Her eyes glistening with tears and her body trembling.
"Please...don't do it..." his voice came out halted. He kept staring at the knife in her hand. They had been fighting for the past hour and things had reached a peak. He wasn't scared of what she would do to him... it was her own self that he was terrified for.
"I don't know what you want from me. I can't stop this. All these voices..." her voice broke off again and the tears started to pour. He made a step towards her. Then another... then she started screaming.
It was a piercing noise. He stepped back in shock and covered his ears.
Her throat felt like it was being torn in to pieces. As the last note slipped from her throat she fell against the counter. The silence that followed was suffocating. He tried to make a step towards her again but the look she gave him made him stop. The fire in her eyes scared him. It was as if she was possesed.
"Please..." he tried to plead to her one last time. He wanted this to work but with the way this was going she should have a one way ticket to the loony bin.
As he had been thinking this she had stablized her self. She stood up and looked at the knife in her hand.
"You asked... I will deliver. i won't be locked away again. I won't cause you anymore pain..." And with that he watched her raise the blade. He made the move to reach out to stop her but something held him back. Her hair started to glow and her eyes looked as if they were filled with fire.
He watched the knife cut the the air slowly. He tried to break free of what was holding him but the knife slipped into her chest. She didn't even flinch as the blood shot our from her chest and her knees hit the floor.
A crimison river flowed from her heart and suddenly the power that was built in the room released him. He ran over to her and touched her skin. It was already chilled, but of course she was always cold.
"Why?" He stared to cry. His hot tears touching the wound in her chest. The blood dripped on to the floor and steam rose. He was caught off guard...
"What are you?" he whispered.
" Me? Oh honey...I am your worst nightmare. Your demon in dress..." and with that she died in his arms. He had killed her with out even understanding how

Warensburg Update

Well I missed class today. I kinda feel bad to be really honest. I hate missing class.
On the other hand I must say I have enjoyed my day a lot. Though I have not gotten a lot accomplished. I came down here to surprise my boyfriend. I haven't had time to come see him since September and so here I am. Tonight I make the drive back which I am not looking forward to.
Today I slept while he went to a morning class. Then we wrestled around went to walmart (where i was a big baby) and then walked around downtown. That was awesome. He has never taken me down there and even though this place is kinda boring i really enjoyed myself. He bough me a comic :). We can be nerds together. And here in a little bit I think we may eat dinner and watch a movie. How wonderful for me. Then back to the real world with school homework and work in general. But there is something I really want. A Board Game. A cool Board Game.

Which reminds me. I want to write more fantasy fiction stuff. It is just the way I enjoy writing. I am fine with writing like people like Brett Lott or other amazing writers that are not genre type fiction. But I have always enjoyed writing and reading more fantasy based stuff. It lets me into a realm that doesn't exist here. It is where i escaped to for those long hours of being grounded and hearing so much yucky stuff in my house.

Thing I found interesting flowing through my thoughts today are...
Mexican food is good but it makes me feel huge.
I want to live with bennie, but I don't know how I am supposed to accomplish that Because of Mizzou.
I like to wear pink. But I rarely look good in it.
I love fall. Horraaaay!
My mom is coming this weekend. That totally thrills me.
I have a hole in my belly button.
I wonder what my children will look like???
I love who I am sometimes. But i don't like to nag.

get me out

I do not want to be here. I hate sitting in this class and just feeling like time only drips by. I haven’t been writing a lot. I have not felt like delving very deep into my thoughts. Too much mess inside.
I still feel like a mess so I guarentee nothing. I feel so ick and lost. So I do not want to be here. Lonely. I get lonely. I get stood up. Not by boys… girls. Girls I work with and are my friends stand me up. Not always though just sometimes.
You said my story was a little dramatic. It is just a scene. All of that is expressed before and after in the story. It is a work in progress. Not finished.
Today is Friday and I hate it. I hate it soooo bad. Hate! Fridays are long and lonely then I have to drive till 3 am. With no break because I work and I have to go see my dad.
I am a bad daughter but I don’t want to. I don’t want to go sit in a jail and talk. I just want to stay at school in my room. My apartment actually. Did you know that I live alone? That I whine about loneliness but really I choose that path. Like the girls in out book of birds. I need to fill up space.
Do you enjoy reading this crap? Do you really sit and look at our blogs and find out thoughts interesting? Just wondering. I get bored reading what other people write. A girl yesterday said she thinks I have ADHD. Hahahahaha. That was funny.
I do NOT want to be here!!!! I hate this 8am class. It is interesting but I just don’t care much. Biology is nothing to me. I will never use it again in my life except to tell people that splenda is 600 times sweeter than sugar but not fat. I know how too but I do not feel like telling you. Any of you. Not now. You got through the torture of bio for non majors. The dumbed down path… I do not want to be here.
I hate when word underlines in red. Green is okay. NOT RED.
GET ME OUT OF HERE. I am so tired. I do not want to be here. Only two classes today though. I am going to make myself go work out today. This morning. For awhile. Cardio and what not. I just don’t want to. But I won’t this weekend. And I sucked this week. I need to do better. MUST WORKOUT.
My best friend is frustrated. We both are. Get us out of here. Stop showing me blood. I will stay skinny. Because if I don’t I won’t be pretty. That is what I heard from my step mom when she lived…. From my grandmother until she dies. Same with my dad. Don’t e above a Tressa!!!
Well I have a big but and long legs. I am an 8 now. Gotta get back down. Let me out of this hell. Anytime now would be great.

So this is now

She lays in the dark watching the shadows flicker on the wall. She remembers a movie that she snuck out of her room to watch. HEr father had told her No that she couldn't, she would be scared. Well she had rebelled...in the movie the shadows flickered and came to life. One like a snake killed a woman. That is when she started to cry. Her father picked her up and held her. He laughed, apparently her terror was funny.
Now a shadow had attacked her. She had lived but she didn't know what she would do. Violated and feeling like eyes were everywhere. Her body's flesh crawled. She was so tired. It was exhausting to be awake so much. To be scared so much. The knife under her pillow had already stabbed her once, not on purpose.
What is the point in all of this. Protection? Not really. Security? Not much of it. All she wants is a donut and peace.
What if i told you it was too full of pain
To sit and be silent for your simple game
The things that are bursting withing
Would make the devil cry out in delight with the sin.
Sometimes I am not the angel.
Once some thought me to be
Now I delight in the fiery passing doomed by all to see.
My tears don't stain
But my screams won't die
Until you find me with your wandering eye
If only If only you had stopped what you started
then maybe right now I would still have a heart.
This doom that was brought down upon me
Brings me to salvation full of sinful glee
No longer held down
Ignored by all who watch
Now I will stand adored
by the loathing and the pure.
Now my transformation is complete
into a lost world.

This is why...

So I was unable to complete my blog entries this past week because my computer was stolen and I was not able to get to a computer during the weekend.
It makes me mad. It pisses me off. It makes me want to hurt someone. Someone busted out my car window and took MY stuff.
i will add more to this later when i don't feel like shit.

A night to forget

Yesterday was an amazing day. Just day though. Shopping nap food excitement... Just fun stuff that I did. I even did research for a paper I am writing...though it is not going so well.
It is great outside. Cool and autume. I love it. I want to get married in fall.
I have nothing to say.
bennie is here now. I was so excited because we were going to go out and dance and be together.

Raccoons Are the Fluff

Today walking to class I went past memorial union. Do you know what I saw? A raccoon! Gray, black and fuzzy. It was so cute and adorable and so just... perfect.
Raccoons are my boyfriend's favorite animal. Since we became friends and even more I have thought it was adorable that he loved raccoons. So when it ran across my path I thought, I love that boy. Man. He is a man. I just really love him.
He spent the weekend with me. He just makes me happy. It is 140 am. That is why my thoughts are so messed up. So random. that is Why raccoons are the topic and i like them. Fuzzy and cute lil guys.
Family guy is on the tv. I have seen this episode a lot. About having better communication with your spuse. HAHAHA. so funny.

What should I say? I was not really into writing as much last week. Kind of poetic I was. I don't write poetry very much anymore. Used to but not as much now. I like to say more. My poetic rythym seems to be lost. I can't find the lil guy.
Monkeys are on tve. Riverdancing. AHAHAH. It is an Arbys commercial. Dangit now I want a sandwich at 143 am.

I work a lot this week. Not overly much but i just have a lot to do. I need to do research for a paper. I don't really like Ellis library. Librarys are not really my favorite place... I don't like the idea that the books have been used and abused. Touched by snot nosed kids and men who cheat on their wives. And women who are the other woman. Wow. I don't know where that thought came from.

I love the lizard from the geico commercial. A Gecko i guess. He is so cute. And his accent is awesome. Though more austrailian the more i listen to it. Which is fine. I want to go there. In New Zealand they filmed lord of the rings. I love that series. I need to reread it.
I should lay down and read some more. I want to finish a books. But you see... i have soo much to do.

My tummy is grumbling. I have orange cream oreos. YUMMMMMMY!

Apoem

Do you see me here
Failing without despair
I accept that I wont ever meet your standards
I can’t ever be good enough in eyes that are clouded with hate
Fuck you and all you’ve ever thought about me
Can you see what you did
Do you care what you set in motion.
What is it that makes you hate me so
I know that I hate you with every part of my soul
If we were by a cliff I would push you…
Could you imagine that I would turn out to be the best
Did you think that when you were stepping all over me
You were only pushing me harder towards proving you
WRONG
My hate is thriving with in me now.
This rage I will unleash in full scale
Putting you through the hell that you forced me into
I want to feel your bones break in my hands
Watch as you die slowly
Knowing that I am the one who did it to you.
How does that feel you fucking know it all?
Does it make you feel better know that I have failed
There have been plans upon plans that fell into the abyss
But now as I am standing here looking at you
And your eyes are boring into mine
I don’t feel hesitation
Just freedom as you realize I am not the weakling you thought I was
This isn’t a poem of much value.
No rhythm and no real meaning
Only just the absolute entirety of the way you have made me feel
Until now
Look at me. Look at what I am becoming
Your very own demon
The one that will plague you throughout time
I won’t kill you now.
I want to watch you suffer the way I did.
Tell me
Can you wait?
Fuck you and your feelings.
I just want you to bleed for what you have done.

Cassandra

Her brush meets canvas. The stroke is hard and heartfelt. All her emotion drains out her arm, through her hand and onto the canvas. She takes a step back, closes her eyes and opens them again. The black blob of paint is oozing like a puss filled wound down the middle of her yellow canvas.
“My God Cassandra. What have you done?” Mrs. Peters, her art teacher walks by her once sunny piece of artwork, staring in horror at the black puss.
“I finished it.” She stated and walked over the sink. Her heart was rapidly beating. The eyes of the class stared at the back of her head. She refused to blush. She refused to even give a damn at this moment. She rinsed her brushes and walked them over to the plastic bin where they belonged. There she turned back to face the class, only to find a few still staring out her furtively. Mrs. Peters still stood in front of her canvas and was waiting for an explanation. So Cassandra slipped out of her blue painting apron and dropped it on the floor.
“I hate you.” Another simple statement but the class studdered to a halt again so they could all turn and face her. She only had eyes for Mrs. Peters. “I hate you.” She repeated, making sure her wicked words were heard.
Mrs. Peters looked back at her, unsure of what to do in this moment. If she was not careful things could get out of hand and escalate quickly and needlessly. “Cassandra, please leave the class room now. Go the principles office and wait for me there. I will come after class is let out.”
“Ok. I will leave. But I am leaving this school. I am getting the hell out of here. Away from SLUTS LIKE YOU!” Her voice cresendoed and echoed through the room. A girl in the back gasped, and another student dropped their brush. No one had ever spoken to a teacher like that in this high school. That was something that was not allowed.
Mrs. Peters felt blood rushing to her face. This was out of hand and Cassandra had to be reigned in at some point. “Leave my classroom young lady. Now.” Firm seemed to be the best way to go right now, but still let the girl leave. If only she would leave.
“You look nervous Mrs. Peters.” Cassandra saw the woman struggling for a grip on the situation. “Don’t you want the whole school to know? I think in fact, that they have the right to know that you are a father stealing…”
“That is quite enough. Leave immediately. I will call the principle now.”

Cassandra walked down the hallway. Her ballet slippers padded on the linoleam. She felt her whole body shaking. Her mind raced. How could she let this happen? Art was her only way into the future and now she had just unmasked her art teacher for the whore she was. But she hadn’t done it privately like she planned. She had done it at school, and before she graduated. “Stupid stupid!!!” she hit her hand to her forehead. You are so stupid.