Haven't been around...

I have not felt like writing. Not one little bit this week.
It has been very long. Very drawn out. Today was thursday and i remembered I should have been writing in here. I hardly had the time. I have been doing my 15 hrs of course...the i have had work every night since Wed. Plus HW and making my bf a birthday present. It has been hard to find time to sit down and just "Write". So I better spit out something everyday till saturday I guess.

Hands shaking. Eyes seeing red. Heart beating fast... Wait. Why is it described as "seeing red" when you get mad. I never really see red. Infact colors don't change for me at all. Except for when I got so nervous I pass out. Then everything gets black.
Anger is an interesting emotion to feel and to watch. It can stem from anything for anyone. It just pops up, and sometimes it just disappears. how odd.
For me anger is a bit scary, but also fuel for being determined. I feel angry right now though, and it is more distracting than anything. I usually question my anger...or right now just intence annoyance...and try and see if it is even worth feeling that way. Being angry just feels so negative and clouds the good feelings. I do not like it at all. In less of course it is the fuel part i mentioned.
For example, When I get mad about work or school, I like to come home and organize and sit down and do work. or when i was mad about my living condidtions or the way I looked i would work hard to change where i was or how i looked. But there are other times when i just feel distracted. Like now. Bennie has irratated me. I bust my butt all day doing something for him. He knows how lonely I have been feeling today and then he practially ignores me all freaking day. Then he starts being irratating when it comes to texting me and shit. I just feel mad and want to go to sleep.
Yet at the same time I have that weird sense of calm that i get. kind of where i am observing myself and wondering why the heck do i feel this way.
Why do I feel this way? It is not really logical...Well to some extent it is. I mean he gets all jerky when i don't call him or text him at a time he thinks I will. But that does not justify me acting the same way. I suppose I am just tired of it. He does it less frequently than he used to but the big thing is last night he was such a jerk to me before he went to bed... then today he is jerky. I just feel blah towards him right now. I don't want to talk to him.
Of course I don't have to talk to him. I just needed to write in this blog. this was not what i intended to do. I was hoping to get the creative juices going but it did not work. Oh well.