Trickle down slowly

I do not party. I think it is pointless. Drinking...drugs. Why??? Why should i do that stuff and screw my body up.

Today on the way to class. I kep thinking words that I like together. Thoughts that fit together like really good cake. I love cake, and i haven't had it in too long. Always trying to be healthy.

The soar ate away at her lip. It was like a living thing in her mouth. Sucking away the normalcy of her feeling and making her cringe as a spike of pain shot threw her lip yet again.

The water bottle hung between two fingers. Tightly they held it. Her arm or hand too tired to really hold it. Water. Water water water. That was all she could think. she needed it.

She squirted soap on the patio. She thought that it deserved to feel clean too. She always did this in the rainy days. Orange dish soap met dirty pavement. And she would sit there by the window and watch the rain hit and the pavement foam, like a dog with rabbies. She would smile and then pick up a book. Read a page then look back to the bubbles. They pulled her attention. A string on a puppet head.

Yea I like those.
We are watching global warming in bio. A movie about how we are kiling our planet. It is sad. really sad. Will I get to live ? Will i have children that live?
The beauty of our world is disappearing.
so sad. It makes me want to cry today. I don't know what to do. recycle. Get a hybrid... It hurts to watch. I don't want this to happen to our world.
So sad. we are killing a whole planet.
have we done it before on another planet? Interesting thought isn't it. What if we end up like mercury? What if??? Mars maybe...
I wrote a story about a planet once. I can't remember which one... but i liked it. It is somewhere.
my back hurts. I haven't worked out much this week. that is not good for me. But i feel so tired. TIred tired tired.

What Fairy tale would I be?

I just got back from seeing a movie... I am a total dork and love amanda bynes movies. i just really like her and I kinda relate to her. I like the characters she plays. So yea. I am a dork.
So Tonight I saw Sidney White... And it was about this girl who is kinda like a modern Snow White. It was cute and i loved it. So what would i be?
I kinda think...that the little mermaid fits me really well. for the most part. I mean my dad wasn't around... but I have always struggled for independence and wanted to be different. And yea.. i think that is the big one there... The rest kinda skim over me...
Tonight is hard. I am away from my Prince.... Like usual. I don't know why but it really just gets to me worse on days like this.

My hand reaches out
Only to grasp the empty air beside me
Did he ever stand in this spot
Look at me with so many words

My life waited to begin
Then he came and hit play
Blew my mind with kisses so deep
And nights so long.
Together we could make the world spin
The skys churn.

Movies on the tv
Dinner made together.
Always spending so much time with eachother
These moments seem wasted with out his eyes
These days seem longer with out him
Can not live Can not blink
Not without him to make it matter.

So why us.
Why this struggle
Does it make it all worth while.
Or is it just another point
Less time together

Human Bean

Lingering on the couch with a thought flittering through her mind. Not talking to anyone. Spongebob reruns blast from the tv. Louder than necessary, but soothing enough to sleep to. The purple blanket wrappend securely around her keeps the heat from her body trapped. A greenhouse effect around her own tiny planet. Maybe not so tiny. She hasn't been working out like she should.
Tonight she will go. Feel the sweat drip down her. If only this couch wasn't so comfortable. It would be way easier to function then. What surrounds her? Walls...all different angles. Flower posters on the wall in front of her. Some kind of passion she picked up from her mother. Her mom. What a wonderful human being.
Whenever she thought about the word human being... she thought it sounded like human BEAN. A big lima bean walking around this way and that...lost in a world of things that were fleshy and kept trying to eat it. Was she that bean? Did she relate to it?
Speaking of bean...she was hungry. Not for beans though. She hated eated beans, green beans, refried beans, lima beans, kidney beans... Maybe becase they were all distant relatives of hers...or maybe because she heard they make people fart. She hated farting too.
Her boyfriend would fart a lot. It had been gross at first but now she just laughed. They were just part of who he is. And she loved who he is. Loved...loves. How is it that when thinking she put it into past tense. Maybe because he was gone. Was he a bean? Or was he trying to eat her... A funny sexual image popped into her mind and she giggled to herself.
Maybe she should get up and turn on the light. Do something with herself for a change. She was a bum today. Not like yesterday as much...yesterday she had gone to work and classes. Last night though had not been fun. She hated car alarms sounding constantly. It made her murdereous.
Murder...was she capable? She would like to think NOT. But sometimes she felt like maybe it would be possible to take someone life and be ok with it. She would not want to do it all the time, but sometimes she just wanted to hurt someone. That wasn't right. Lima beans don't hurt people. They feed people.
There with the Lima bean again. Ha ha. It made her giggle. Such a funny image. She should be one for halloween but nope. She was going to go with a sexy baseball player outfit. mmmm Sexy. Something she longed to be and rarely pulled off. Maybe because of the bean status? She was not shaped badly...smaller-ish chest, tall, an hourglass type of figure... but not drastically so.
She needed to work out. She needed to pull herself off this damn couch that held her like a bowl does lima beans and she needed to get out in the world and DO something.
Instead she got her computer and wrote in her blog. Smiling the whole time and thinking about human Beans.

weekends make me wussy

He gets here friday. I go there. One or the other. It never really feels like enough.
That is love for us. During the weekends. Hearts longing for one another all week. 4 days till we get to hold eachother again. It seems to be working thought at times I can't sleep at night with out his warmth to hold me and wrap me up securely.
I am sure somewhere someone else may understand what it is like. we can not be the only two people on this earth to love eachother so much and be stuck like this.
Let me explain though, for those who just do not get us.
He is taller than me by a few inches, about two or so.
Dark hair, brown but i think black now and then. I will settle to say it is a mix.
He brown eyes. Not to big and puppy like but smaller and more intense.
Thick. I do not consider him fat. He wants to lose weight but mainly firm up. I love him regardless.
Warm. So cute. And so warm. At night i can curl up to him and pass out.
His arms. Dear Lord his arms are big and can hold me nice and close. Best feeling ever.
Lips... he is the best kisser I have ever kissed. I do not have a lot of experience. But from what i do have he is amazing.
Weak wrists. :)
His personality...Some strong things he is: Loveing, Caring, Logical, Smart, Cold, Quick temper, Funny. Sweet.
We balance. everyting about us seems to balance the other. Giving another area to vent through and to hold on to. we are the same in a sense. A lot in common.
I wish he didn't have to leave. I love him so much. I wonder how he looks at me. He makes my heart beat faster. Even though right now I am so so so tired.

Our weekend was great. I worked too much. But he made me dinner and we watched house together. What a good show. We laid together. We laughed together. We took ridiculous pictures together. We played with my cat..OUR cat. we slept a lot. Naps on the couch always feel amazing.
We went to walmart and had an hour of our life sucked away... I always get a heachache after being in there for so long. It is like it drains the life out of my body.
I cried when he said he would leave...so he didn't and he stayed. How wonderful for me. Bliss in a blanket.
We didn't sleep great. I did not want him to leave...but he had to. But he picked out my clothes. Now i feel a little warmer than what I would have if he had not.
Jeez he makes me want to pass out with joy. I am tired. I made him eggs this morning and felt him next to me in bed all night. I need a nap now. Trying to think of how to manage my time a little better though. I work too much this week. I need the money to pay for myself but i don't know what to do... I said NO MORE.
So tired. I really need to lay down.

Girls just wanna be whores

She woke up feeling the hangover settling in. "Damnit." She didn't really remember last night at all...
Steps to the bathroom. How did she get here?
Wet face pounding skull. How did she get her face wet?
Stomach rolling. Soft sheets. Big pillows. OH bed... she was in bed now. Did she ever get up?

Loud pounding on the door. Her eyes wrenched open.
"Let me in Delia!"
His voice sounded angry and she didn't know why. She thoughgt for a moment. To let him in or to make him wait. Her head was hurting afterall... He could come in and hold her. Maybe she would try to get up.
"Damnit let me in! You will not avoid me today!!!" He pounded again
oh...oh no. Things from the day before fell back into place. They were broken up now. He had called it quits and she was, well she had been ok with it. In fact that was the result of the massive hangover.
The night flooded back into memory. MAking its way past the alcohol that lingered in her brain. Drink after drink. Boys. New boys, the one she had been wanting for the past week. Now she let him kiss her. And she kissed back. Another boy. More kisses. How delightful to be doing whatever she damn well pleased.
"Please...let me in. I need to talk to you" His voice changed tones completely. Where was the strong asshole that stood at the door just a moment before?
She was happy and he wasn't. He had messed up bad by dumping her. The thing was she was ok with it. She loved it infact. More drama. More freedom. More alcohol. She got out of bed and opened the door.
There he stood. Her lover for more than 9 months. At least he thought he was. Sure she loved him now and then, but he wasn't her type. not now.
"Delia.."
"I made out with two other guys last night Kevin. I loved it. I was drunk and I screwed around with guys. That were NOT you." Each word was meant to feel like a dagger in his heart. She didn't really know why she was being so mean. He had never treated her with anything but love and devotion. Sometimes he reminded her of a puppy. A puppy that she was tired of now...
"I will take you back. We can work through this..."
So puppy boy wanted her back?
"Nope. I don't want you. I had fun last night."
She closed the door in his face. She smiled. She had choosen to be this. She didn't really want him. She couldn't remember when she really had. Did that make her a horrible person?
She called her buddy from last night.
"hey big boy. Want company?"

Girls can be really fucking mean and total whores.

The story will soon have a name... Busy Bee cont.

So she walked out the door. Feeling like she had forgotten something but not really sure why. She tood at the base of the steps for a few moments thinking and then realized what she had fogotten. She sighed heavily and unlocked the door again. Wlaking into the kitchen she reached into the drawer and lifted the bottom part of it up. Underneath was a small dagger the size of her palm. She picked it up and slid it into the wrist band under her hoodie. How she could have forgotten sucha thing made her realize she was more out of it than usual. She thought for a moment said bye to her cat and left for class.
The cat, who she had named anik, sat under the drawer she had just opened. HE shook his his head as if he couldn't get over his human's behavior and then walked over to her desk. He jumped up easily onto highest shelf and knocked down a book that was up there. It was an old looking thing, a red leather cover and a golden ribbon tying it shut. He jumped back down to the floor and opened it with his paw. For a normal looking cat he was anything but. He the book opened and he began to read...
Classes were dragging on today. She could not get a focus on what any of the teachers were saying. She was so tired and she kept feeling the wait of her throwing dagger on her wrist. If only she could slide it out and toss it around. At least that would be good practice and entertainment.
She tried to yank her attention back to the teacher who seemed to have the power of putting 500 college kids to sleep at once. The guy next to her was drooling for god's sake. Screw it... I will just leave. She had come in a bit late and had to sit towards the front but she should be able to easily slip out if you could simply summon up a little energy. She shut her eyes and etched the words in fire in her mind. SEE ME NOT. She had used this very little but it came in really handy today. She focused on the words until they blazed in her mind and just as she was about to apply them to her actual physical body the lights went out. Her body felt like it had been drained of all the power she had just been building. She tried to open her eyes but she felt so tired.

The class gasped as a whole. The guy that had been droooling next to her woke up and reached down to pick her up. The professor came rushing over. "um you Uh. does somebody know this girl?"
The drueling guy next to her reached down and felt for a pulse. She was breathing and functioning it just seems she had passed out. He smiled. I know her. I will take her back to her place. He picked her up and grabbed her back. Where before he had looked like a college student dreaming away in the class now he had a malicious grin on his face as if he had a won a victory. He picked up genieve. His plan had worked, and carried her out of the class room.

Watched me hurt.

Things I always thought...
That you are great and we'd always be together.
I am glad you are my favorite and that I am yours.
No one can make me feel that kind of love that you do.
I just wished I could understand why you dod the stupid shit you do.
You are so smart...why don't you act that way.
You crack me up.
You watch over me even from a distance.
I want you to find a good girl for you.
I just want to hang out with you more....
It is interesting how people seem to attract more and more bad news, or pain, or whatever it is they do. I love my two older cousins very deeply. I have always been very close to my older cousin and now he is in the hospitle and i am really sad about it. I just think about him a lot.

I plan to write more on my story soon.

Haven't been around...

I have not felt like writing. Not one little bit this week.
It has been very long. Very drawn out. Today was thursday and i remembered I should have been writing in here. I hardly had the time. I have been doing my 15 hrs of course...the i have had work every night since Wed. Plus HW and making my bf a birthday present. It has been hard to find time to sit down and just "Write". So I better spit out something everyday till saturday I guess.

Hands shaking. Eyes seeing red. Heart beating fast... Wait. Why is it described as "seeing red" when you get mad. I never really see red. Infact colors don't change for me at all. Except for when I got so nervous I pass out. Then everything gets black.
Anger is an interesting emotion to feel and to watch. It can stem from anything for anyone. It just pops up, and sometimes it just disappears. how odd.
For me anger is a bit scary, but also fuel for being determined. I feel angry right now though, and it is more distracting than anything. I usually question my anger...or right now just intence annoyance...and try and see if it is even worth feeling that way. Being angry just feels so negative and clouds the good feelings. I do not like it at all. In less of course it is the fuel part i mentioned.
For example, When I get mad about work or school, I like to come home and organize and sit down and do work. or when i was mad about my living condidtions or the way I looked i would work hard to change where i was or how i looked. But there are other times when i just feel distracted. Like now. Bennie has irratated me. I bust my butt all day doing something for him. He knows how lonely I have been feeling today and then he practially ignores me all freaking day. Then he starts being irratating when it comes to texting me and shit. I just feel mad and want to go to sleep.
Yet at the same time I have that weird sense of calm that i get. kind of where i am observing myself and wondering why the heck do i feel this way.
Why do I feel this way? It is not really logical...Well to some extent it is. I mean he gets all jerky when i don't call him or text him at a time he thinks I will. But that does not justify me acting the same way. I suppose I am just tired of it. He does it less frequently than he used to but the big thing is last night he was such a jerk to me before he went to bed... then today he is jerky. I just feel blah towards him right now. I don't want to talk to him.
Of course I don't have to talk to him. I just needed to write in this blog. this was not what i intended to do. I was hoping to get the creative juices going but it did not work. Oh well.

the day death happened.

He sat in the hard metal chair. Eyes darting between back and fourth his two hands. A gun in one hand, and knotted rope in the other. His hands trembled. This was a choice that he knew would never be reversed. Which way to die. It was not as easy as he thought it would be.
Last night had been too much. Coming home and finding the bitch sitting on the couch drinking a beer watching some pointless info commercial. She was always doing stupid shit like that. The house was dirty and daniel, his son, was upstairs crying is fat little head off. There the bitch sat ignoring it all. So he gave her what she needed. He took three steps over to her and his fist was flying before he even knew what he meant to really do. It wasn't supposed to go to this immediatly. He meant to go for the beer and start yelling. But his knuckles connected with flesh and cheek bone. She slammed into the couch, thank god it had been something soft.
He remembered saying damnit and how she had sat back up slowly. Her eyes looking at him with nothing but hate. Was it so long ago that they held adoration and love? Yes...Yes it had been that long ago. When she was young and stupid and did not realize the devil she was picking out.
"Fuck you. " That was all she said. Then she went upstairs. He heard daniel stop crying and he heard her voice murmuring to him. Next he was looking in a mirror with the blade in his hand. Coke lines on the bathroom counter. This is what he had resulted to. After his last stint in jail he should ahve learned. Fuck he had turned himself in. But it was apparent he wasn't going to learn. Then there was knocking on the door. He bent down quickly and took a huff. In went the white powder and out went his soul. All feeling were drowned in a high that hit him like a freight train. He wiped his nose and went to get the door.
A fist slammed into him over and over. All he had done was open the door. He hoped they would not go after his bitch and daniel. Poor little daniel. His son deserved better, or did he?
Another fist.
Why should anyone get treated better than he did? Fuck that. His son deserved what he got.
Another punch.
So did the bitch. He hoped they raped her. He hoped they killed her.
Another fury of fists.
it was ok. He couldn't feel a damn thing That line of heaven in his nose was putting him on cloud 9.
"This is for susy you fucking ass. Don't touch her again. Or we will kill you. "
The night flashed in front of his eyes over and over as he stared at the gun and rope. Susy, the bitch, she had called the guys who beat the shit out of him. When he had woken up he was on the living room floor where they had drug him from the doorway. He had gotten up and went to the bathroom. His other line was gone and his razor blade was in the trash. Fuck that bitch. She had finished his hit. Damn her.
He eyes were both black and his cheek had a cut on it from a ring one of the guys had been wearing. His body was sore and bruises were everywhere. When he walked out and into the kitched the bitch was standing there.
"You deserve it you know. I told you to stop hitting me. "
"Fuck off"
"I hope you realize I am not staying. I hate you"
"Fuck off"
"do you even care about me or daniel?!" her voice hit a high pitch that he couldn't stomach this early.
"Fuck off" he roared at her.
She stomped out of the kitchen. He went to the drawer and pulled out the coke. she came back in to grab her purse.
"I hope you die doing that shit. Fucking loser"
Then she was gone. He didn't care where. Daniel was probably still asleep. He went out to the garage. He dropped the coke in the trash can and went to his tool box. He pulled out a rope that he had kept from those days where he had thought about hanging himself. He had never really had the balls. He stared at that rope now. The gun had been in the drawer underneath the rope. He had bought it because he was wasted one night. He had come home to find the bitch cheating on him and he went out and bought a gun to kill the motherfucker. He had passed out in the car on the way home. He had woke up in a ditch the next morning.
Now one would be his demise. He looked at the beem overhead. The rope. The rope was what he had always needed. Just now he was man enough. Slowly he situated it to where it would hold his weight above the ground. He was tall but he measured and made sure his feet wouldn't touch the ground by at least 3 inches. He kept the gun out and loaded just in case he needed it.
His feet pushed him up onto the chair. He was staring at the noose in his hand. He was going to die finally. Finally he was done with this life. He fucking hated this world. He had ever since he was born. Literally. He had cried from day one. Fuck this life.
His thought blanked. All he could do was feel. The rope was tough. It rubbed his neck uncomfortably. The gun was in his hand. He went to make the step. The fatal movement that would choke the life out of him.
"dadddddddy" Daniels voice range through the house.
In a movement so normal he stepped forward. As if he were shocked out of his suicidal thoughts to his son. The only thing that he really gave a shit about. The son he thought honestly deserved more.He wanted to hold his son. To get him away from that bitch.
He fell. The chair fell back as his legs kicked.

The garge door opened. She hit the brakes. There was her husband. Blue. Eyes bulging from his sockets. Looking straight at her with horror. She opened the door and walked slowly to his lifeless form and touched him. He was still warm. A gun lay on the ground.
She reached down and aimed the barrel to his face. "I hate you." She whispered. Then she jamed the barrel to her head and pulled the trigger.
Upstairs the cries of their son went unheeded.


My step brother tim hung himself yesterday.

Not Part of the story...

Keep me in your memory. Why wouldn't you do it? Why would you forget?
There are things I don't want to gorget ever.
When my dad would play video games with me. Diddy kong racing was the best.
Finding my cat Anik with Bennie.
Finding Bennie...The night his wrists were weak. The night of the cast party. The first I love you. 29 days apart only to come back and be closer than ever. A year with him. Hopefully more. Our first time. Every moment that he has held me...
My mom braiding my hair. My mom teaching me to mow. My mom teaching me to cook. My mom calling me T. My mom's hugs. The way my mom tells me she is so proud of me no matter what. The time my mom choked me...
Dancing on stage for hundreds of people. Ballet costumes beautiful without my tiny body making them less.
The moment my grandpa died in my life.
The moment my step-mom died.
The moment my father shot himself.
The moment I came to the decision to die.
Writing poetry and getting it published.
Fishing with my grandpa. Getting the biggest fish.
Sitting on my grandma's lap.
Getting my belly button pierced.
Prom night.
THe year I wasted but learned from a lying jerk...aka joel.
29 days in Europe... crying. Laughter. Emails. Pool. Paris nights...
Shopping with my girls.
Hope...one of my good friends.
Pretending that I am cutting the earth's hair.
Falling in the doorway...and laughing my head off.
Shutting my finger in the bmw door...then having to go to the hospitle and get a hole burned through my nail.
Four amazing years in forensics.
Being in THe Nerd...
Kindergarden. Mrs. Grapes.
My first chiefs game.
So many things. Memories simply slip away too fast. How could I ever hold onto so much at one time? What happens when we die? What happens to these memories. I hope mine live forever in someone...somewhere. they will know these things happened...

What couldn't end

Her hand lingered over a red and blue checked dress. Then it scuttled to the next thing in line. T-shirts lined the wall but she really didn't feel like wearing anything new. Her favorite outfit lay in the dirty clothes. Gray sweats and a black tank top. Not sexy, or stylish, just plain I don't give a shit clothes. What else did a girl need in college?
It wasn't really about boys and people liking you. Not like high school. "HA!" A laugh erupted from her tired lungs. Everything on her was tired. She needed to get through a night of sleep with out interruption. The thought of college not being some judging game just like high school was silly. Sure it was a bit more relaxed here, but eyes still roamed taking in what each person was wearing and what their hair looked like. The guys were still full of themselves like the girls. It was just on a bigger scale.
Her hand landed on her green basket ball shorts and a white hoodie. Not as comfy as her favorite outfit but still it would pass as the I couldn't care less category.
She wriggled and the shorts fell easily from her waste. Something she did care about. It wasn't like back in junior and high school. Now she just wanted to be thin for herself. Not for others. She maintained a good weight for her. 122lbs exactly. It looked good on her 5'5 frame. Even if she didn't give a shit about her clothes she still cared about looking decent. Her hair was going up in a ponytail today though. It was much to messy for her to do a thing with. Not that she would if it wasn't. It was usually in a pony tail or half ass bun.
All the while she stood wriggling out and back into clothes. Thinking her weird inner dialogue and trying not to care. Her cat kept looking at her through one open eye. Staring at her in amazement, as if he could read her thoughts.

Busy Bee

I have 1 million things to do today.
Including but not limited to, reading a book, writing a four page paper, work on finding a monolouge, learn to spell monolouge, call my gma, work on french, read biology, WORK OUT, and work on bennie's present. Writing in this blog is also one thing on my list of TO DO so at least as I sit here i am acomplishing something.
I was too lazy this weekend. A lesson learned for sure. Also I was too eratic with my diet. Another lesson learned. Work a little throught out the weekend and I won't feel so bogged down. Make sure and work out Saturday or sunday so I don't feel like crap physically. Oh. And don't get so outta whack with my sleeping schedule. Lets not forget that HUGE one. What is the cause of my nutzo behavior? Let me think...Oh yes! bennie. That darling of darlings whom I love and adore. He visited this weekend and we just did our own thing. Of course my thing also included work, but it wasn't all that bad. I loved every minute of being with him as usual. Though I felt a tendency to nag a bit. I feel a bit bad about it but lesson learned. I still loved it and it is only three days till I see him again.
Now time for some writing.
She walked to the bathroom counter slowly. Her feet never leaving the floor yet she moved. Her eyes stil half closed as if to hold on to the last moments of sleep. her shorts were too big and they hung losely on her small fram while her tshirt made her look as if she was drowning in material. Finally, across the living room. Into the bathroom she disappears. The door closes and her cat looks at the dangling toy that bobbles on the door handle. A toy she bought him so he would stop eating her bras. The water pours from the sink but she is still gone from view. What is it she is doing? Is she transforming? Washing away the last few moments of sleep and becoming a beautiful alive morning person? Ready for class she throws open the door. A bright sundress clings to her tiny frame and she sings a song she heard at church!
No. That is not who she is. The water is for brushing her teeth. And the toliet flushes for apparent reasons. The door opens slowly and she is still clothed in her oversized pj's. Her eyes a little wider but the same dark circles under them signal another night of restless sleep. If only she could get a handle on her nightmares. The nightmares that tore her limb from limb every night that she slept. Waking up screaming to no one in particular. Her cat staring at her with curiousity and then laying his head back down.
She moved to her closet. Her feet still shuffling across the floor at a deliberate pace.