I hate nights like this. When I get it rubbed into my face what a shitty person i can be.
How I made a mistake that really wasn't all that huge...at least not in normal life. It was huge in the sense that it hurt him. But it isn't like he hasn't hurt me a few times. Bad times. Times that I shouldn't have forgiven actually.
Ways that he can't understand are a huge deal for me.
But i don't bring those up and rub his face in them. I don't talk about them to him. Because I don't want to torture us both.
It is imbalanced. A mess. I don't think i deserve him. And sometimes i feel like he hasn't deserved me.
This pain is fight to get out.
I won't let it. I won't let it get all the way out and eat me alive.
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