Today is the day.

I have written a lot in the past few days. I think I should start working on a story soon. Becuase i am getting really tired of talking about myself on and off. It is hard to type 500 words out of my mind. I get to distracted from what I am doing.
I am exhausted right now. Zapped of most of my energy. My body feels restless though. I didn't sleep worth a penny. I am going to run here in about 10 minutes then maybe i will be able to go back and go to sleep for awhile. That would be wonderful. Last night was not good for me. A darker night than normal. Mistakes, hurt, left me with nightmares that ravaged my brain. Not a good way to start of the weekend. Not that today is the weekend but it is friday.
I like to think about the word weekend. I like that it sounds different...like a whole new word when it is really just two words jammed together to make the same meaning they would have meant when they were not together.
Starbucks. It sounds good. I want a glass of ice water so bad.
My brain hurts. My head that is. My hands looks to tiny today. I do not know what the point of any of this is. Just getting my thoughts down on ...screen.
It is good i won't be working today.
Sweet. Sweet! Major Sweet message. Says my teacher in the front of me but in the back of my mind.
Time to leave class i will write more later.

Wanting to choke

I hate nights like this. When I get it rubbed into my face what a shitty person i can be.
How I made a mistake that really wasn't all that huge...at least not in normal life. It was huge in the sense that it hurt him. But it isn't like he hasn't hurt me a few times. Bad times. Times that I shouldn't have forgiven actually.
Ways that he can't understand are a huge deal for me.
But i don't bring those up and rub his face in them. I don't talk about them to him. Because I don't want to torture us both.
It is imbalanced. A mess. I don't think i deserve him. And sometimes i feel like he hasn't deserved me.
This pain is fight to get out.
I won't let it. I won't let it get all the way out and eat me alive.

Don't look don't touch

I wish I didn't feel so alone here.
Anik is a good buddy. He is curled up with me now purring away and watching me type. though he wants me to pet him... cats are great.
I think that maybe I should sleep. It was a hard night at work. I am pretty exhausted. I enjoy working but tonight was a pain. A lot of pain.
Anyway. I had an idea tonight...A picture in my head.
A pale woman. Standing on a cliff's edge. The sky is dark behind her and her long black hair is whipping furiously in the wind. It is like a blanket of tangled silk. Her dress is purple and it is long and a midevil gown. Her eyes glow, but only blackness shines back. Her arms are raised as she looks straight at me. Her nails incredibly long and fierce looking. The rock edge under her feet combined with her long purple dress make it look like she is floating. The stormy sky shudders in thunder and her pale lips move. "Write me" is what she whispers then cackles.
I don't know who she will be but i want her in a story. She was so powerful but there was a desperate edge to her as well. The power though, that is what has caused her desperate edge. Something needs to be done and she has sacrificed all to do it.
My feet are throbbing under the covers. My cat just peed on my door again. Damnit. My hair is a bit tangled and lays across my blue and white owl patterend pillow sham. i can hear the noisy maching in my little storage area. I don't know what it really does, but it is sure annoying when i pay attention to it. My fingers dart across each key with a nintey percent presision.
I am a horrible speller i think to myself then smile. I want to be an english major and i suck at spelling. Does that say anything about who I am? hahaha. Always a quirk to everything i want or do.
Slowly letting the tension release. My cat is in my closet again. wreaking havoc no doubt. I love that cat with a crazy amount of love but he is starting to drive me a little insane. He won't stop messing around with my stuff. I wish i could let him out to do some hunting or something.
What does it feel like to be a cat. So sleek and independent. Hunting rodents.
He is really getting on my nerves right now. He won't stay out of trouble. *sigh* He needs a bigger space. And a friend. But there is noooo way i am getting another cat. I wasn't even ready for anik...
My eyes are starting to feel very heavy. I should go to sleep. Before i pass out typing.

The day of laughter

So here it goes. Writing in a blog for a teacher to see. I suppose I won't change much of what I write. After all that is not the point, the point is to be myself and write my thoughts.
First I would like to just say my cat is hilarious. His name is anik (my boyfriend named him that. It means soldier). We saved him from being a stray back in June. Anyway I am not supposed to have him in my apartment because NO PETS ALLOWED or else my rent goes up $100. Regardless he is here now and I am thrilled. He is adorable and so funny. It is good to have company in my big studio apartment. He is jumping all over the place. For some reason he is hyper tonight. I would like to think it is because he is with me again, but maybe he just inhaled too much catnip. Silly druggy cat.
It has been a great weekend. I had a girls day on saturday with my old roommate and that was really nice. My boyfriend came down saturday after I was off work. That was wonderful. Spending a week apart is not easy when all summer we are constantaly together. I savor his company.
My boyfriend is incredible. Someday I actually hope to write stories with him. He has a great mind for story telling but sometimes lacks the language for it. He has a very cold and crisp way to look at things that I enjoy intensely. He is so right for me in so many ways.
I just got done reading two books in a series and the couple reminds me of us all the time. Which brings me to a new train of thought.
I love vampire stories. If I could be any mythical creature it would be a vampire. The elegance of the characters and the way they live is incredible, at least it is in the stories I have read. I don't know why I have always been fascinated by them but I am. The Historian is a great book. It talkes about dracula and the story of his existence. And a series of six books by christopher pike deals with an amazing vampire character by the name of SIta. Her story is incredible.
I love to read. Reading is a passion for me along with writing. I have not read a lot of classics, though i was in british litereature last semester and I loved it. I am not a big fan of poetry which we read a lot, but some of the other stuff, like james joyce for excample, and beowulf were great. I do like genre fiction though, i think some authors do a great job. I love fantasy fiction stuff a lot. My dad got me into lord of the rings, which i think is a classic.
I am getting really tired. It has felt like a very long day today. I am not looking forward to french tommorrow. I feel so unprepared for it and i have no idea how to prepare. I wish I wasn't so horrible at it.
I hope this is enough for the first post. I am really tired.